[XxxkittykatxxX]

I had been feeling pretty good until a little while ago--haven't self-harmed in weeks. And then I started thinking about college.

I have always had bad trouble with math to the point that I feel like I should possibly be tested for a learning disorder but I'm not sure where to start, and I also don't know who to talk to. However...there are certain things that I've worked through that make me think maybe I'm just lazy...maybe I didn't work hard enough. I'd start off the year excited for math and hoping it would be different but it never was and I always ended up putting my head down to nap instead because the class didn't make sense. The teachers also rarely explained anything to where I could understand it. My only GOOD math grade was from a project where I worked super hard to the point that even though I wasn't completely right about what I was teaching back to the class, my teacher was proud of me for trying so she gave me extra points. (Or, at least, that's what I gathered from it...I got a "good job" anyways, so I was happy :/ )

So then I got even more down. And why was I even searching for why I'm messed up anyways? And then I realized maybe it was just because I wanted pity...or maybe because I could get extra help and overcome it even though it's hard... But it didn't work for all of school, so...then I got mad at myself and started telling myself how worthless and insignificant I am, like that would maybe make me stop. And how I know that even if someone hates me, they at least think about me, and that's my entire problem. I want attention. And why do I want attention--I'm not deficient in it. My mom loved me and all that good stuff... And then it occurred to me that if someone hates me, I feel bad about it and want to show them in not really that bad of a person and that I can have good qualities and I just want them to like me and I feel like crap realizing that I don't even understand what people mean when they say I do a certain thing that pissed them off and I feel bad if I piss anyone off...

And sometimes I get mad at myself when I say something stupid and think about how I should go and punish myself for it later on but lately I've been really lax about it... My roommate is just as much as a homebody as I am and I don't want her to notice anything weird...

I also want to talk to my friend about how I feel and my concerns, but then I feel as if maybe I'm emotionally manipulating him and I feel terrible. So I've just not been talking to him at all about how I feel...

[Thunder Bow]

I had people hate me for no reason. All they are doing is trying to control you, and put their anger on you. It is not you fault. Don't worry about them. Thee will all ways be controlling angry people who will hate others for no reason.