I don't know how to feel

When I'm sad or depressed, I never can tell. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm tired, but I never accept the fact that I'm sad or anything. I get confused about it sometimes because others around me keep telling me I look sad or I look like somethings on my mind but I completely don't feel that way. I feel nothing for that fact, I keep thinking over and over that I'm probably not sad, I'm just feeling in another sense that would seem like it.

Sometimes when I really do feel depressed and at times cry, I end up with weird intermissions during the period where I feel absolute nothing.

For example I'd think of something sad or I become sad, so I cry, but then after a few seconds of breaking down I stop and feel nothing. I stop crying completely and stay like that with blank face with my mind literally blank before I break down again and much more harder. I generally end up doing that a few times throughout the episode for at least 10-15 minutes. Afterwards I stop feeling sad or borderline and go back to do my normal activities.

It's like I can't emotionally or mental stabilize myself in certain situations like that. I do it more than once with other kinds of emotion situations, like when I have episode with hypomania. At times I'll feel excited or euphoric, but suddenly I start to feel sad or become bitter. I switch out so fast I become panicked and I'll soon want nothing to do with anything and have bad anxiety.

Another example, I hang out with a friend or close family member and at first I feel happy about going out to see a movie or meet with other people for a get together and then after a few minutes of thinking so much about it or making action about it, I get suddenly really nervous. Next thing is I get bad anxiety and I quite all connections with the plans.

What's bad is I do that for every thought out plan I make with people, I end up disappointing someone or leave them upset because I can't stop getting mixed emotions out of no where over everything. I want to hang out with friends and family, but at the same time I don't want anything to do with them. My friends are distant, my family ignores my problems. I don't know what to do or more importantly how to feel.

I can't afford medication for any type of mood stabilizer or to even go to the doctor. I don't have support from anyone like, friends, family.

I feel like a wreck and I'm becoming suicidal again for it....

Hi there. I'm no genius... and I can't fix all your struggles. However I can tell you that I love you. And that I found much help through stabilizing my emotions through some biblical counseling. And that if you're looking for any tips just send me a message. For now though just know that I love you.. me.. just a 19 year old girl from Florida... but I do. And I know you can make it through.

Thanks

A therapist can help you with mood swings and anxiety. The situations you were in, does not sound that great, thus your feelings about them may be true.

Mood swing is my dilemma too - i refuse to take medication but someone did this to me and i wish and pray to get out of it soon. best of luck

I think what you're feeling is the same as I get during my depressive episodes. I just feel blank. Numb and frozen. Like I can't cry but I'm too immobilized to act other than to lay there with the negative thoughts rolling through my head. I usually only cry when I feel so hopeless and the frustration of it all overwhelms me. I'm on effexor and still get this way. Most of my depression, right now, stems from my long term struggle with being underemployed. I work in a call center making $10 an hour but I was laid off a job making 55k a year. My whole self esteem way wrapped up in that job and now I feel like crap because I can't find a job in my field.
I also struggle with being in social situations because I don't want to be there having to fake bring 'up' or risk the 'what's wrong?' Questions. I usually leave early due to anxiety buildup claiming I've got to let the dog out etc.

When I find myself like that, and I do quite frequently, I come here. I just start reading what other people are experiencing in their lives and try to avoid my own. It seems that I am kinda good at giving advice to others, but when it comes to my situations I draw a blank. It's very discouraging. Others problems make me think about what actions could correct their problems, but when I try to sort mine it's all a jumbled mess in my mind. I lose train of thought, become depressed and question my own personal worth. Repeat. It's a circle to me, but at least when I'm focusing on others problems I don't have the depression beating me down and having suicidal thoughts. There's so many here I can relate to and I try... It's a temporary diversion of sorts, but it's helped me to mask many times. Best of luck to you.