[VRichards9612]

This is what is actually happening in my life so don't think that this is fabricated and hopefully you will all be understanding of my situation. I am a male reaching his 20th birthday and I've had countless moments where I have wanted to die. I've gone through most of my public school life as a shy and quiet boy who couldn't care less about other people. When I reached my late high school years I had my head filled up with notions that I was very handsome, had everything I could want financially and that I would soon find a female to connect with. All of these things have reached a very cold reality to drag them from the clouds. I've had opportunities in high school to mingle with girls and even had ones that I wasn't attracted to hit on me. The thing is that I ruined each and every opportunity with them because of my quiet, awkward and anxious nature.

Around my senior year I felt depressed because I felt my options were running short and I had to resort to going to prom alone. Left high school still emotionally stuck on some girl who rejected me when I was a Sophomore because she still just wanted to be friends. Along the way I realized that I started to develop feelings for my first cousin who's younger than me. Feelings I know are there only because I feel so rejected by everyone else and she being the only one willing to show me attention. Still knowing why the feelings are there isn't the same as knowing how to get rid of them. My father died during my time at college and this greatly expanded my sorrow, forcing me to go to a counselor to seek therapy. The Sophomore girl, despite her claims to want to be friends, doesn't contact me anymore though we were close friends before I admitted my feelings to her. I feel hurt that she doesn't talk to me or invite me to do things anymore because I haven't tried to take a pass at her since the first time. This hurt made me want to express those same feelings to my cousin and I almost did. I called her and got into a personal conversation that I chose not to let finish. Now I no longer talk with my cousin (which I prefer than to ruin our relationship by telling her my feelings for her).

I am now alone and trying to find ways to **** my sadness by trying to put effort into my school studies (because I had been failing miserably because of my depression) and trying to pick up piano lessons to occupy my mind.

It's always good to try and focus on your studies and any interests you may have, they keep you busy, and you won't have too much time to dwell on the the disappointments you've had with girls. Personally speaking, music is a nice way to channel your emotions, it can be positive too.

You're only 20, there's still a lot of time, you will find someone sooner or later, I know how it feels to be ignored or forgotten, but you have to keep going.

Do you need a close emotional relationship with a female or do you want a girlfriend? Maybe you want to be close to your cousin in a brother/sister kind of way and you're just confused?

[VRichards9612]

I think me being close to her is the issue. I want someone to have a close intimate relationship with. So me talking with my cousin, hanging around her are things that play on that wanting I have especially since we are so close. She's very playful with me and we have very personal talks at times. Our family noticed and they started talking to us about how we are not supposed to have a relationship even though I don't think any of us thought about it until they brought it up. Now that that seed is planted into my head I find myself struggling greatly with my feelings towards her.

I've come to realize that I can't really have girls as just friends around me too often. Any girl that I've been friends with in some way I've wanted to take a pass at them because in my mind I'm confused of whether or not they are just being friendly or are actually into me and I want to test it, problem is usually when you let them know how you feel then you've betrayed all trust in their friendship and they create some sort of divide between us. I really believe guys and girls become 'friends' for two different reasons (but this is just my perspective so I could be wrong) but as a guy I want to friend women to slowly build a relationship with them and as for a girl they friend me because in some way I entertain them and that's where it ends.