[mommaxo]

I seriously hate how I have been feeling lately.
i get so upset. my heart races, and my hands shake.
It doesn't take much for me to get overwhelmed.
I sometimes just sit in my room, and stare off in to space.
I was crying the other day because I was going to be late for an appointment, and couldn't find a lighter for my smoke. I know, I know, I know. I couldn't get any more pathetic than I already am.
It doesn't help that I don't get a long with two of the girls I live with at the moment.
I guess I came on here to vent tonight, because I've been trying so hard not to snap.
because a) that's not what a mature responsible adult/soon to be mom would do
B) none of these girls are worth losing a place to stay/going to jail/or having my child taken away from me.

things that are currently upsetting me/stressing me out.
- my sleep. I have not been able to get enough sleep lately. i wake up in the middle of the night having to pee. and i have been having the craziest dreams lately. some have been triggering and upsetting. It doesn't help that I have to get up early almost everyday. I get that they are trying to keep me busy with a routine. But i have the next 18 years to be busy. (raising a child and all) I need the sleep while I can still get it lol.

- I'm really starting to resent the fact that I managed to get fired at my last job. I had a great job, and I screwed it all up for booze, and a guy who ended up robbing me for 200 dollars after getting him drunk all night, and apperantly he started this nasty rumour about me.

- my smoking. i hate that i smoke. I really do I managed to go a full day without one (although I tore my room apart looking for one lol, but that's a different story), However this morning i was in a terrible mood. I went and caved in and bought a pack of smokes with my last 10 dollars.. I couldn't relax, and felt like ripping someone's head off (and yes I had someone in mind at the time) I seriously need to quit, it's hurting my baby, and it's just a gross unhealthy addiction in general.
- having to live with people I don't get a long with. I hate that I'm one of the older girls here. Because I have to listen to so much immature crap. It's not like I can avoid it, because I share common living areas with these girls, and have to go to groups with them. It's all highschool crap. One of the girls who lives here is honestly just ghetto trash. She has a boyfriend sitting behind bars she's walking around swearing at this guy on the phone infront of her newborn smoking pacing back and forth. She's just rude to me, and thinks she's the queen of fking everything. Like seriously who tries to run a residence for young moms. She should be more worried about her kid, and less worried about what everyone else is doing. The other girl is just annoying. She always has some snarky comment to add, rolls her eyes, she's just a spoiled brat, who thinks her poop don't stink. *This is where Outkast-Roses Song Comes On In the background lol.

- I feel so.... lonely. I wish I could just spend christmas with my family, they haven't even seen me since I've been pregnant. I really hope my mom comes up after I have the baby. I'm kind of worried about having to go through this labor alone.
seriously though my whole lifestyle has changed. I know it's for the best, but I can't help but feel isolated. I can't go out and party like I used to. I have been butting heads with some of the girls here at the residence which has made me feel even more isolated. I have been feeling so numb lately, and disconnected. I haven't had physical contact with a male in what feels like forever. I haven't been laid since the dinosaur age. okay I may be over exaggerating a bit lol. But I hate sleeping alone, I hate not having someone to cuddle with, and be comfortable around. I just hate being single, and being pregnant makes it so much worse. But at the same time I don't want just anybody. I want the next person to be the right person for me and my baby.

- being broke. I seriously hate the income here. they actually expect me live off 60 dollars a month? Most of my belongings have been stolen/lost from living in shelters/jerkoff ex boyfriends. I literally could fit all the things I owned in to a
small travel bag before I came here. I had to start from scratch AGAIN.

- i seen my ex downtown the other day. he was with a friend of mine. I started talking to my friend. he didn't even look at me. I said hello, he didn't even acknowledge me. Which is odd because he was calling me beautiful over facebook messenger, trying to seem all supportive "if you need anything for the baby just let me know" after telling him I don't think he's the father. urgh. I don't understand men at all.

- this pregnancy has made me feel disgusting. itchy dry skin, I'm starting to wear my stress on my face. breaking out, gaining weight, dry hair, my teeth feel gross, and are starting to bleed after I brush them.

- worrying about trial. The crown wants jail time + probation. I have laid awake all night with axienty and fear thinking about the worst outcome. I guess that's just my way of mentally preparing myself for the worst outcome. I don't even know what I would do. How I would deal with being behind bars pregnant? or having my child taken away from me while I served my time? It's horrible to even think about. but I can't just avoid it. I mean eventually I will be standing in that court room waiting to be sentenced. The worst part Is all I can do is pray everything goes smoothly. there's really nothing else I can do.

things i'm looking forward to/happy about. (i guess I could try to be positive for once)
- my next ultrasound at the end of the month. I find out what I'm having hopefully. and I hope I can get a picture, since my first ultrasound picture got lost I get to see my baby look more like a baby and less like a peanut :') I already have a name picked out for a girl. Ariel Marie Mac Donald

- the fact that I have my OWN room, my OWN bed for the first time in years.
I'm starting to get more belongings. and i have an actual wardrobe now. It feels nice to be couch surfing, and wearing the same damn clothes every day lol.

- I have a better relationship with my mother, and she seems like she's exicted now for the baby. considering our first conversation was her planning for me to get an abortion, trying to convince me that it was the right thing to do. I'm so happy I decided to keep my little peanut

- I'm proud of myself from staying away from alcohol, and remaining sober. It's been really hard lately. I'm so used to turning to alchool when I feel crappy about myself. I've been trying to find new ways to deal with stress. I got a foot massager, I take a hot bath, read, listen to music, write on here. As much as I'm not proud of myself for smoking. I have cut back a lot, and it does help me cope mentally at times when I'm really overwhelmed, or stressed out.

[healingme4me]

Thing is though, you are trying. If you can find it in you, to stop before that ultrasound, baby's lungs should be fine. Some women who have smoked, find themselves physically unable, to smoke during because maternal instinct kicks in and mentally somehow, someway, nature kicks in.

It's good your mom is taking an interest in her little' gran'-peanut. That's a positive bonding experience, for sure.

Maybe just being around all these other women will help solidify what values you want to bring to your lil one.

How long before court? Are there other options than jail time? Such as counseling, probation or community service?

I suggest, you should sit down and breathe...
Just try to get the situations/people away from you who cause you so much pain and trouble. Sometimes, being selfish is the right way. Also you are a human and you have every right to demand/receive your share of happiness and peace. So be more vocal of your needs in front of others.
And lastly, expectations lead to pain, try not to develop expectations especially from people and things not in your control, things in which you could not make much effort. It will help you relax and feel better.

All the best!