[agatha9]

A few months ago I wrote here about my furbrother's death and how it was the cherry on top of a very awful year. Well, now it seems it all is getting better. Conflicts are ending, problems are being solved and I feel like there is some stability. But I constantly feel the need to cry. Maybe I'm just tired, but I still feel so lonely.

I thought I had found the perfect guy for me. He suddenly stopped texting. I don't have the slightest clue why, but I talked to his brother who happens to be a friend of mine, he was the one who introduced us in the first place. My friend didn't tell me why his brother stopped texting, but he told me that my crush has sister-issues. I learned that the guy I liked so much is being controlled by his younger sister who happens to be married and living far far away from here, literally in the other side of the world. Still, I connected the dots and I remembered how this guy kept talking about his sister and even told me a few things about her that made me realize he does have sister-issues. But the worst part is that he dared to call me by his sister's name once or twice, allegedly joking, but he kept comparing me to his sister. So... I guess it was for the best that he just stopped texting me.

Then I reconnected with a guy I've liked ever since I met him and that was a long time ago. 15 years, to tell the truth. He texted me a few times and then he vanished. I was not sure if I wanted things to go further with him, so I let it pass. No hard feelings. He's more than welcome to text me anytime, cause I don't care that much. I believe I really fell in love with the other guy and I have to face the pain and frustration before dating someone new.

All this story just to explain why I feel like I will never find the right man for me. But at the same time I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that there is some kind of force keeping me away from all the wrong guys. Still, I'm frustrated. I feel terribly alone. I have lost a lot of things in the past six months: my job, my furbrother, the guy I fell in love with (after a really long time of avoiding opening myself to anyone) and apparently a bit of hope.

It's being hard for me to be in touch with my family. I have mixed feelings towards some of them. But I have been so much in touch with my nieces and nephews, that it just makes me realize that time has passed too quickly. I remember when my cousin bought me a lego set. She's 10 years older than me. Now I am the one buying clothes and toys for her children. So many mixed feelings. I love those little guys. I love my cousin. But I keep wondering when I grew older, what happened to that little girl I was. Maybe I'm just too depressed or too bored, but I look at them and I wonder if I will ever have a good job and if I will ever find the right man for me to raise a family with. And then again I comfort myself telling me that God or life or the universe work in different ways and that I have to stop questioning myself such things, that everything will fall into place when the time is right.

I don't know if I'm finally growing up or if I'm too tired to try and make something happen. I was the kind of girl who used to text the guys until they texted back. Not this time. I used to go looking for a replacement when the man I liked disappeared. Not this time. I'd normally be looking for any job, but now I want to find something that will make me happy instead of just giving me some money. I had a rant at God a few weeks ago, because I was so angry... I blamed him for taking my furbrother away from me. As an only child he meant the world to me. Now I understand that he was a dog and that it means that his time on Earth was limited, as much as I would have wanted to believe otherwise. So... I don't know.

I'm not fighting anymore, I'm not forcing things. But I still feel the urge to cry, though I can't. Anyone with any clues of what is happening to me?

[sideblinded]

(((agatha9)))

I can relate very much in one way. I lost my dog a year ago and I just cried my eyes out yesterday as I miss him so much. Sometimes it takes a long time to accept such a loss. I still haven't. I am so sorry that you feel so lonely and lost. I feel this way too when I miss my little schnauzer.

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by sideblinded

(((agatha9)))

I can relate very much in one way. I lost my dog a year ago and I just cried my eyes out yesterday as I miss him so much. Sometimes it takes a long time to accept such a loss. I still haven't. I am so sorry that you feel so lonely and lost. I feel this way too when I miss my little schnauzer.

As my best friend says "they are so kind, beautiful and loving we easily forget they are not eternal".

My furbrother was my reason not to freak out now that I'm unemployed. He was my reason to get out of bed every morning, my reason to eat and prepare meals. I believe I tried to replace him with a lover because he left such an empty space, not only in my life, but in my heart.

Well, maybe that's why nothing else really matters to me. Maybe I'm just masking the feelings of loneliness and sadness about that loss. And it's confusing, because I sometimes dreamt of him as a little boy and I imagined him a little like my eldest nephew. My furbrother was a white poodle, with brown ears and patches on his back. My nephew has very white skin, curly brown hair and the most beautiful character I've ever seen in a boy. My mom and I agree that if our furry baby had been a human, he would have been like my nephew... Yeah, we're a little crazy, but that's just how much we loved him...

Thanks for your words. I needed to be reminded of what's really hurting.

[avlady]

it is very hard to get over the death of a fur friend. When we lost our dog, our vet told us it was a blessing for the dog because she was 20 years old and senile. i wouldn't want to have the poor dog suffer any more with it so we had to have her put down after one of her last seizures. What a beautiful dog she was. it was getting harder for me to take care of her as she also couldn't control her bowels. other health problems to made it hard to take care of her. sometimes when i am sleeping on my bed i'll have the feeling she is laying down on my leggs, but i know it is her and she's gone now. God bless!!