[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Still trying to recover since I'm almost 2 years off klonopin now but a wrench thrown in my day, like today, just always brings forth the nasty demon of self hatred. I guess demon is a good way to describe the self hatred. I am struggling so hard to be normal. I am 59 and started trying to help out with my grandkids by getting them off the school bus every day and watching them until their parents get home.

This has been very difficult for me, as simple as it sounds. Yesterday it went fine. Today, I needed them to obey me in a simple task. Their mom had house cleaners come over and asked me to have the kids stay upstairs out of the way while they worked downstairs. I asked them nicely to do so but they said no. One of the workers said, no they are fine here. When I kept urging the kids to go upstairs with me, they quoted the "nice lady"...she said it was ok. Argh! The kids are only 6 and don't understand of course but I am the 'nice' grandma and don't yell or discipline like the other one. When they would not cooperate, I got very embarrassed and frustrated. Finally after 45 minutes, I got both of them upstairs and had a talk with them. Not before shedding a few tears. What kind of adult cannot get 6 year olds to mind?

Of course with me, the anxiety and distress escalated, I felt like crying and thought all kinds of terrible things and that I would just tell my son that I just could not watch the kids anymore. I cried a little while the kids were not looking. A "normal" person would not have such a strong reaction to such a normal situation in my view. By the time my son got home, I was very upset. I proceeded to tell him what happened and of course he was not too happy. I just had to leave abruptly because I felt like I was about to burst in tears. Had a miserable, anxiety and panic ridden drive home. Most of my thoughts were about how much I hate myself now and what I have become. I cannot seem to do normal things that people do without screwing it up.

I feel like true and complete healing is never going to come. I've talked with my daughter in law, I guess keeping the kids tomorrow is up in the air. My son had apologized that the kids gave me trouble. I have not heard from him now, guess he is put out with me too. He told my daughter in law that I said that I was done keeping the kids anymore, that it was not working out! I never said any such thing! Makes me wonder what else my family has quoted me on wrong...I am sure that has happened now that I think about it. What a mess I am. Cannot even get a simple thing like sitting with grandkids right. Wow.

By the way, I do not have a therapist right now but I am in process of trying to find one. I wonder if a therapist could convince me to stop hating myself so much? Also, my older son tells me that he does not think that I am so mentally ill as I feel that I am since going off klonopin. I do seem to think much clearer and am more rational. However what I can see clearly now is how awful everything seems to be.

[Griff2015]

Hey there--I am sorry you had such a rough time yesterday. I deal with self-hatred issues too and know how overwhelming it can be. Maybe try to give yourself a break--dealing with 6 year olds is hard for lots of people! And sometimes as the "nice grandma" it can be hard to also be the disciplinarian. Could you call your son and just have a chat? Maybe he can talk to his kids about minding you and you all can discuss boundaries for disciplining them together. You can reiterate that you want to watch them (if you do) but that there just needs to be some sort of system in place. If you don't do this, it is likely the kids will keep pushing the limits to see what they can get away with-- leading to more stress and anxiety for you. Hope you are feeling better today. Hugs to you

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thanks Griff. My son and daughter in law had a talk sort of. They did talk to the kids a lot. I just have to be more firm with them. Yesterday was just a bad day all the way around...I just wish that I could handle upheavals better and without immediately wanting to literally kill myself over any emotional stress. I even came home and drank a glass of wine. Oh well, today is another day to conquer.