[xEllieKx]

Hello, I'm new here so please bare with me if I am posting in the wrong place. I just want some opinions or insight from people who may be familiar or have experience with similar situations.
I will start with what has been bothering me the most lately and that is my lack of empathy for others. My sister has been mentally unwell for about 4 years now (She has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder). It's been hard on her. Our mother has been very upset with all the things which have occurred since, as has my other sister and father. My sister, who is Ill cut us all out of her life for about 6 months, spread awful lies and has said many hurtful things to my family over the past few years and this has visibly taken it's toll on them all, especially my mum. But all this time I have felt nothing, apart from occasional bouts of anger or frustration. I know I should feel empathy for them and feel sad about the situation itself but I don't. I know this isn't normal. I want to feel for them. I do attempt to comfort them and say the right things but it's hollow and empty and I will admit that many times I have found their emotional state to be 'inconvenient' for me. That is a horrible, awful thing to say, I know that in my head yet I am unable to feel real guilt for feeling that way. I don't resent any of them and I love them, they are my family and I don't understand why I can't empathise or feel sadness for them.
Could my lack of feeling for others be something more or, in honest opinions please, does this mean I am just selfish and cold? I used to be so sensitive and caring and I was a very empathetic person. I would feel pain for anyone or anything who was suffering but now nothing. It's almost like I just switched it off. If anyone who is familiar with this kind of situation could give their opinion It would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi xEllieKx

Thank you for introducing yourself to us.

I am glad that you are here at Psych Central.

This is a great place to be for online support.

It always helps to speak to others who share the same thoughts and feelings as we do.

I hear you when you say that you feel that you have lack of empathy for your mother.

And I am sorry to hear that your sister has been unwell.

I am sure this has been a challenging time for you, your mother, father and sister.

I am sorry to hear that your sister has been spreading lies and impacting on your family.

This is a very difficult situation to live with.

Maybe you feel "nothing" as a means of protecting yourself from emotional pain?

I am unsure.

But if you allow yourself this little bit of space then perhaps it is less damaging to you because some of her behaviours sound destructive?

I think that the way that we learn to process situations emotionally is quite individual.

Yes, you have felt some bouts of anger and frustration.

But there is no real guideline on how our feelings are meant to be in these types of situations.

I don't like feeling angry and frustrated.

So I wonder if you've developed a copying mechanism to block the potential pain or discomfort feeling out? Like a defense mechanism?

Well yes, if you are protecting yourself emotionally then your families reactions can appear inconvenient. You're trying to distance yourself and they're being reeled in.

I don't really think that you are selfish.

I don't believe that you are cold either.

This is my opinion.

I believe that you are protecting yourself.

You are the sister.

You are not there to "manage" this situation, this is not your responsbility to have this burden.

I really do think that in certain situations you can be empathetic and caring, but my honest opinon is well if she is being this disruptive to your family environment you may have been hurt by this behaviour in the past and need to protect yourself from further harm.

Have you ever considered discussing this defense mechanism with a therapist?

Hang in there.

We are here for you.

[RedDot]

Hi Ellie, and welcome to the forum. I can really relate to how you are feeling as I have much the same experience. I have a half brother with some serious issues. He's had them as long as I can remember, and I've grown up watching my parents struggle to care for him and compensate his life for the things he cannot seem to do for himself. I have the same lack of empathy, and a hint of resentment over it. Maybe deep down the feeling that his situation somehow detracted from our childhood and left my sister and I with a constant need for attention, is behind this. I defend myself with the same feeling you're experiencing... Apathy. I just don't allow myself to be bothered with it anymore. I keep a protective cushion of space between him and myself to keep myself safe. I don't see it as cold though, it's just the reality of what I need to do. I can't help him... I have nothing to offer. I can't fix whatever is wrong, and if I don't keep my defenses up his problems will become my problems.