[Steiner of Thule]

I feel very confused with myself. I find it hard to grasp, my feelings and thoughts. I'm angry and then sad. I like the melancholy a bit because I get a deeper feeling but it's also sort of sad.

I can't wait to be sad.

It's like I prefer to be sad than I guess manic? Not sure if it's mania really. More like a more irritated mood. I become more aggressive and put up less with people. At work multiple people have complained about me being rude. It might be a problem I don't know. I try my hardest to be nice yet people are actually complaining about me being rude to my boss. I got this job about a month ago back at the beginning of February. I tend to feel easily agitated against people who don't show my effort with anything. Like those I say I hi to saying nothing back.

It's not like I am saying anything but I guess my negative thoughts show through.

I hate them.

If those are your two choices, then I see what you mean. The irritated mood sounds uncomfortable.

[RisuNeko]

I've had such long depressions (up to 2 years long, then a short mania then back to depression for a year and a half etc.) that it can start to feel comfortable. So I kind of get what you mean. When you're depressed you're more reflective, and you tend to become entrenched in at least some sort of routine even if it's not productive or healthy. I can see how that would be better than aggression, irritability.

I guess I'm lucky, the only times I get irritable are during mixed episodes. My manias are typically on the happy/euphoric side.

I was talking to my boyfriend about this the other day. It's like when something bothers me, I tell myself to just let it go, but I can't because it feels better to go through this whole rollercoster. You'd think I'd hate doing it, being mad, then sad, then defeated, then mad again. But if I don't do it, if I just "let it go", I feel like I didn't work hard enough to figure it out? Like I have to do all of this to feel better even though it hurts. It's very confusing.

[floridaman38]

It may be a defense mechanism to something that has happened to you. I too prefer to be alone a lot of the time. I know that I will not hurt me as far as words go. Others always hurt me and I guess I prefer to destroy most friendships before they take off so that I won't be hurt later. You are not alone in this. I hope this helps and I hope you feel better, which ever you choose to be. I do not believe in making someone feel a certain way, if you want to feel a way and it makes you happy then you should follow your heart. Good luck.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by floridaman38

It may be a defense mechanism to something that has happened to you. I too prefer to be alone a lot of the time. I know that I will not hurt me as far as words go. Others always hurt me and I guess I prefer to destroy most friendships before they take off so that I won't be hurt later. You are not alone in this. I hope this helps and I hope you feel better, which ever you choose to be. I do not believe in making someone feel a certain way, if you want to feel a way and it makes you happy then you should follow your heart. Good luck.

Yeah pretty much. I don't really want to let others in. I feel a fear inside when I think of trying to be close to others.

[connect.the.stars]

I get that same feeling with being sad. I sometimes want to be sad. But then when I realize what I am thinking, I get mad at myself for even thinking it. Which makes me more sad. Before you know it, it's comfortable sad land.

I like what I'm familiar with.