[shakespeare47]

I was wondering why I have struggled so much in psychotherapy over the years, and I think I found a reason.

Frequently, in therapy, one is challenged to question one's own thoughts about some matter. This always sounded to me like I was being accused of not thinking correctly.

Unfortunately, I grew up in a home where I saw my dad blatantly calling my mother "crazy" (and I don't mean light-heartedly, I mean, you're a psycho crazy, you should be in a psych ward crazy) because of some thought she had. My brother and dad would also use the same line of reasoning when dealing with me. If virtually anyone did something they didn't like, then they would just mess with heads.

Anyone else been there? Have you reacted to therapy because of some past experiences?

It's still difficult to both take my thoughts seriously, and also question their validity. I'm getting better. It works best when I can see myself getting upset over some situation, and then ask, "is this really worth getting upset over", or "how much will this situation mean to anyone 100 years from now?"

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I know the kind of mind games you are talking about, I experienced them with my siblings too, also saw my father turn my mother's reasoning around to get His control.

It is good that you are recognizing this problem. And what is even worse is that a "lot" of people will play little mind games, and what will help you is to learn how to identify them, how you react to them, and how you can learn how to "not" react when they are presented to you.

More than ever before society has been inundated with "manipulations", by politicians, and the media and people who are trying to market anything from soup to nuts too. A lot of people are on the defensive now, because people in society are actually "afraid" because there really has been a great deal of change taking place.

Being more successful as a person means you need to slowly learn how to not feel so on the defensive, a lot of people are feeling that way. Sometimes just focusing on something someone says that you can agree with is better than seeing the things you don't like and discrediting everything the individual says so you walk away the winner, but are the loser because you needed to have "all" of the opinion or interaction, leaving the other person with nothing and no desire to interact with you again.

Here is a good article for you to read Shakesphere, I do remember you like to read and learn and ponder.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tra...usaolp00000592

[Frankbtl]

Hi shakespeare, I'd say that it sounds like you've made a bit of a breakthrough there which may be really helpful to you, congrats
But if I can just throw something else out there, maybe it can help, maybe it won't but.......I don't think you necessarily have to always question the validity of your thoughts.
If you have painful, hurtful, "unproductive", "damaging" thoughts/thought processes in relation to a bad experience.........just because they're all that doesn't make them invalid, absolutely they're valid, they're understandable, they're "reasonable", you have a right to feel/think that way, it makes complete sense, and those feelings thoughts should be respected...........but I think that's what you're saying in taking them seriously anyway??
So it's not so much as questioning their validity, it's more in trying to find other (still understandable) thoughts/thought processes more helpful, to you, you might be able to implement.
So if you do feel........in relation to something, it's not wrong, it's not a "weakness", it's not you over-reacting, but if you can find an alternative in all of that........something that might be more "beneficial" to you............doesn't even have to be straight away, sometimes it just can't happen straight away and sometimes it might take years and years and...........
And gradually if your thoughts, then your thought patterns can change at your own pace, in your own way..........it can become more "natural"...........I'm not saying everyone can completely change their thought processes........some can, some can't depending on lots of factors, but you're right there can be hope out there.
Just some thoughts.........
And, I'm sorry you had to endure that with your family
It's natural that you must have felt negatively "judged" in therapy........as if you were at fault, as if your feelings were invalidated considering what you'd been through. But you, your thoughts/your feelings were not at fault, it was the way you were treated that was at fault
Just really good that you seem to be making progress now.

Alison

[Thunder Bow]

You father was controlling with various accusations made on every one. It was all about his need for control. Not about what you were doing, or your thinking abilities. I honor your determination in your therapy, good work.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi shakespeare, I'd say that it sounds like you've made a bit of a breakthrough there which may be really helpful to you, congrats
But if I can just throw something else out there, maybe it can help, maybe it won't but.......I don't think you necessarily have to always question the validity of your thoughts.
If you have painful, hurtful, "unproductive", "damaging" thoughts/thought processes in relation to a bad experience.........just because they're all that doesn't make them invalid, absolutely they're valid, they're understandable, they're "reasonable", you have a right to feel/think that way, it makes complete sense, and those feelings thoughts should be respected...........but I think that's what you're saying in taking them seriously anyway??
So it's not so much as questioning their validity, it's more in trying to find other (still understandable) thoughts/thought processes more helpful, to you, you might be able to implement.
So if you do feel........in relation to something, it's not wrong, it's not a "weakness", it's not you over-reacting, but if you can find an alternative in all of that........something that might be more "beneficial" to you............doesn't even have to be straight away, sometimes it just can't happen straight away and sometimes it might take years and years and...........
And gradually if your thoughts, then your thought patterns can change at your own pace, in your own way..........it can become more "natural"...........I'm not saying everyone can completely change their thought processes........some can, some can't depending on lots of factors, but you're right there can be hope out there.
Just some thoughts.........
And, I'm sorry you had to endure that with your family
It's natural that you must have felt negatively "judged" in therapy........as if you were at fault, as if your feelings were invalidated considering what you'd been through. But you, your thoughts/your feelings were not at fault, it was the way you were treated that was at fault
Just really good that you seem to be making progress now.

Alison

Thanks Alison,
Unfortunately, not all therapists realize that some of us didn't have the best childhood. Some of us remember our fathers getting drunk and physically abusing our mothers, some us remember our fathers kicking our mothers while she was in a fetal position. Some of remember our fathers slowly torturing our mothers verbally until they collapsed into mental illness. Some of us remember that our parents expressed their hatred of each other.

Some therapists literally cannot deal with those facts, and try to convince some of their clients that things weren't really as bad as they seemed.

I turned to MH professionals in my time of need, and they let me down. All I wanted was some acknowledgment of how terrible life can be.

It's hard for me to forgive the profession for that failure.

P.S. I did get some acknowledgement of how terrible life can be as I was also sexually abused as a child because my parents let me spend the night with a stranger. I first started therapy when I was in my 20's and that first therapist did comfort me in some ways, but then tried to convince me that there were other things that I had forgotten (it was the late 80's, and repressed memories were in vogue), and that really messed me up, that trying to remember things she suggested I probably forgot (like other abuse, maybe I just forgot?) So, even she failed me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi shakespeare, it sounds like some professionals probably made things worse for you rather than better, I'm sorry
People trying to "downplay" very real, vivid experiences/memories/feelings can not only come off as so patronising or devaluing and be so damaging, it can also make you lose hope/faith in the very places you should be able to at least find hope/feel understood.
And you're right, being able to acknowledge your experiences and feelings and having someone else acknowledge/understand them/be there for you in a non-judgemental way is so important.......I mean what are the alternatives.......denying them, pretending things didn't happen quite like the memories say they did, pretending they really shouldn't matter as much, trying to "cover them up" with........just doesn't work does it??!! Just makes it ultimately worse, right??!!

And for the first T to lead you into possibly starting to believe things that weren't true.......well that's abuse in itself!!! As if things weren't bad enough!!! I know it happened a lot then, and sadly/amazingly still happens now.......but whatever reasons they had/have still doesn't make it right

But hopefully you've found, or find, some professionals who are more "helpful", although hopefully at the very least you know there are people here who will listen, hear you, understand, right??!!



Alison