[annoyedgrunt84]

This is hard to explain but I'll try. Sometimes when I look inside myself I see things I don't like. It's just vague impulses that seem evil. I wish I could be more specific but I always get scared when I see them and stop looking. I kind of seal it off as a defense mechanism and can feel very shaken for hours even days afterward. I'm afraid there might be some things I just don't want to know about myself.

[Baizyl]

Honestly, everyone has less-than-pure impulses. That's not shameful - it's human. No one is perfect. It might help to have more context. How do you feel about yourself and your life?

[annoyedgrunt84]

I think I dwell to much on my imperfections and failures. I'm always falling into the trap of comparing myself to others almost always unfavorably. But it often happens after I meditate. I've tried to develop a meditation habit for awhile now but this always pops up and I give up on it. I can't be very specific about it because it's just a vague feeling that starts to come over me but it's upsetting and breaks my concentration.

[Baizyl]

I used to be the same way, so I get what you're saying. There are positive things about yourself, and you can't compare them to others. Honestly, we're all handed different circumstances right when we're born.

I lived an abusive and unstable life, where I had to grow up before I turned 10 years old. I've been so consumed with keeping myself alive and sane that I don't have a resume at 26 years old. It doesn't mean I'm less than someone at my age who's done everything. They probably had an easier time doing it.

Self-talk might help, and making a list of things you like about yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

[annoyedgrunt84]

I recently read that this is actually a fairly common phenomenon. That makes me feel better that's why they say it's best to get a meditation coach or teacher.

[CosmicRose]

You are feeding the fire by not looking and therefore magnifying it, because you refuse to acknowledge that human beings hold both good and bad, yin and yang. No one is born evil. We all have a capacity to be evil but most of us choose not to be, neither one is more powerful than the other, they are equal choices. Human beings are dark and light, metaphorically speaking. It's easier to walk in the light.

[Verity81]

Yep everyone has these thoughts, urges, feelings...

Remember thoughts are just thoughts, electrical impulses firing in the brain. You can chose not to cling to them and let them float by without judgement (which I know is easier said than done) but with practise you can master it.
Also acceptance, like has been said before, all humans have both kind and unkind thoughts and impulses. You can chose whether or not to act on them but its important to accept you will ALWAYS have unkind, angry or just random thoughts.
There is no need to fight, you have nothing to fight against let these feelings etc come and go....

[Crazy Hitch]

(((annoyedgrunt)))

Sometimes my intrusive thoughts tell me this too

I think that we're better than this though, no matter how much our intrusive thoughts tell us this, in the moment.

We are all worthwhile.

[Dog on a Tree]

Sorry that these things are causing you peronal discomfort. Your not an evil people. It may just be intrusive thoughts, intrusive impulses, etc.

[hpocus]

I think if you notice it, then you aren't a bad person. The ones you have to watch out for are the ones who never do any self-reflection and assume they are good - generally they're the worst of the lot.

[PianogirlPlays]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Yep everyone has these thoughts, urges, feelings...

Remember thoughts are just thoughts, electrical impulses firing in the brain. You can chose not to cling to them and let them float by without judgement (which I know is easier said than done) but with practise you can master it.
Also acceptance, like has been said before, all humans have both kind and unkind thoughts and impulses. You can chose whether or not to act on them but its important to accept you will ALWAYS have unkind, angry or just random thoughts.
There is no need to fight, you have nothing to fight against let these feelings etc come and go....

I think I agree here!

[PianogirlPlays]

I have many thoughts that pop in that are not really like the person I really am. I don't like them either but recognizing that they aren't really me may truly help.

[Rose76]

I think you're actually having a quite profound insight into a truth about human nature. We are all, each one of us, probably capable of evil way beyond what we would care to acknowlege. Fortunately, we may never have to face up to just how bad we could be. We may never be in a set of circumstances that tests us beyond our ability to manage.

It's been found that, in circumstances of war, for instance, very ordinary people with seemingly normal, decent values can find themselves committing atrocities. The main difference between those people and the rest if us may be largely a matter of most of us having the good luck to never find ourselves in an extreme situation. I think it can be a mark of moral and psychological maturity to gain some grasp of this truth and let go of some of our smug assurance that we are nice people who could never do anything really all that wrong. We could do a lot worse than we think we can.

[meganb22]

You're human. We all have the ability to do good and bad things. We aren't perfect angels. We don't always have nice thoughts. I have felt the same thing you feel and it sucks and its scary. Just know that it's normal. Oh and just remember, people who are truly evil aren't scared or worried about being evil.