[dysphoricspirit]

It seems as though every time I sleep, I have a really bad dream. Dreams where I'm getting robbed, beaten up, cheated, humiliated, and even worse. I don't know what has happened to me recently? I wasn't this way a year ago, I had really pleasant, trippy dreams back then. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night scared, with a feeling of dread, like I am really afraid of death, wishing I wasn't a living organism, but a robot of some kind that. Yet I feel like deep, deep inside, I love living, I love life, life is good when it's good. I remember that feeling of being happy, It's worth living for.

All I can think of is that bad health (I'm recovered now) and failing to take good care of myself because of how numb and depressed I am have affected my appearance negatively and people that knew me from before have told me how good I used to be in the past, and the people that are only getting to know me look at me with pity, like I'm an ugly joke, and they feel sorry for me.

I was showered with praise and adored for no reason other than I was good looking, I hated it as a kid, I felt like people were shallow, and didn't take their time trying to get to know me and understand me. Suddenly, like 6 or 7 years later, I'm now an object of ridicule, and pity. I just don't like people, at least the people I was surrounded with, they made me hate myself for looking good, and now they make me feel like I'm some kind of object to feel sorry and pity for.

I realize that my depression is distorting reality and that I'm the one actually giving power to the people around me by letting their opinions affect me, but.................. I realize how awful numbness caused by depression can be, you end up regretting not taking better care of yourself, and it just keeps getting worse with age.

I'm really sorry for this, I may have come across as a self absorbed, vain, shallow person, but this is like a new layer added to my depression, I feel so OCD about my looks, I've even stopped socializing with people, and have stopped talking to old friends, I'm tired of people telling me what I look like. Tired of them feeling sorry for me. I know how I've changed, and I don't want to be reminded of it constantly. Can anybody understand me? It's driving my mom and dad crazy.

[dax415]

I dont know what its like entirely, but I can relate cause my relatives are jerks. I gained weight on the medications and all i get from them is hey you're getting fat. It made me self concious. They are not nice people anyway, so no loss there.

You are not self absorbed, there is nothing wrong venting about what is bothering you. Hang in there, keep talking and get it off your chest.

[dysphoricspirit]

All I Want is for them to treat me like a person, look past whatever 'shortcomings' they see and talk to me like a person. I am more than just my appearance, people hold on to their appearance like it lasts forever, what happened to me might happen to them in a few years.

Other people just retaliate, find shortcomings in other people and make fun of them because of their insecurities, but I cannot do that, I am not that kind of person, I would never hurt anyone to feel better, and I see the good in people, not the bad, even appearance, my eyes are fine with all kinds of people and looks.

[avlady]

i think looks usually don't matter, but when someone is looking down in the dumps i myself really want to help them, and usually they appreciate the empathy, i only do this with good friends although. also if a shabby person i hardly know i really don't pay much attention to beccause maybe they like being that way, sometimes i used to see thse same people like that everyday and did get to know them and they knew they could dress shabby and i would't judge them. i attended a day treatment place so there were a lot of shabby people who couldn't take care of themselves. as for sharp dressers it is the same for me too.then there are just good days and bad days. fashion doesn't mean everything is ok with someone and people like to dress charistically i think.

[dysphoricspirit]

I wish I could avoid certain people, and stick to those that will just leave me alone.

I realize that a lot of it is my fault, when I'm depressed it just makes thing worse. I give them more power by letting their words affect me.

[Dog on a Tree]

Perhaps you still are depressed and still dealing with it's effects. Perhaps also people make those comments out of concern and is a way for them to motivate you to get back to the way you looked? But it can seriously back fire as is the case with you.

It's all in your hands though. How you react, etc. Easier said than done when the things people say to us can really effect us and really hurt us. Words can really destroy a person. But you are not at that point? Talk to your mum and dad about how your feeling and about your appearance.
The reality is, that you can look like whatever you want. If people make comments, so be it. You just focus on yourself and your recovery.

[dysphoricspirit]

Yes, I'm trying to just be myself, I can ignore what people say 90% of the time, but sometimes it just gets to me.

Some people have constructive stuff to say, I appreciate that, but others just want to ridicule, that is what I hate.