[troubledsage94]

I hope to get some clarity on this matter that has plagued me for years from this.
This is a lot but it explains everything and I still can’t make sense of any of it.
In elementary school I had a best friend Kaylin. We were almost inseparable. I was a smart, inquisitive and emotional boy. I would often be seen either angry or crying. When I cried it would last for at least hour unless Kaylin was there to calm me down. I felt that she truly cared for my wellbeing. She would sit there for the entire time until I calmed down. She believed me when I couldn’t articulate what it was I was feeling or why I was crying. We were both possessive of each other and everyone started saying that we were either boyfriend and girlfriend or acted like a married couple. We would argue often but still stayed best friends. But at the end of third grade she had to move to Georgia. This crushed me. By this time I realized I loved her but never said it. She had called me back in fourth grade but I never got her number even though I could have and never told her that I love her. I am still beating myself up for that. For the rest of my life I have been reminding myself of that mistake and still held on to those feelings believing that one day I could get in contact with her again to tell her. I promised myself that I would never feel happy again until I could tell her I loved her.

Throughout middle school and high school I basically “went through the motions” as I didn’t really feel any meaningful emotions. I had times were I was happy, but anything other than happy was repressed. Anytime I was mad I told myself why I shouldn’t be mad. Whenever I would get sad I just never let it show and held it in. I always avoided conversations that were about love or romance. Those conversations reminded me of her and it was very painful. In high school I was asked out several times but I always said no because I felt that I wouldn’t be right if they liked me but I’m still hung up on someone else. Then one girl kept asking me to go out so I gave her a chance. But, I was still against it and tried to end the relationship as soon as possible. We never went on a first date and she left me for her ex.
The missed feelings for Kaylin plateaued until my second year of college. I progressively felt worse about myself. I felt as though that I was just a bad person who can’t feel for anyone. However, I recently had a crush for one of my friends. He is a guy and straight. I have told him that I like him but he didn’t say much of anything but made it clear that he wasn’t interested. But my feelings for him reminded me of Kaylin.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings nor how to resolve them.

[thecrankyone]

Have you tried finding her? Facebook is great for that.

[~Christina]

Im sorry your struggling after all this time for the friendship and love of someone from grade school. Its really common to have very fond memories of people that were kind when you needed the compassion the most ... But this is holding you back from enjoying your life now, in the present..

Maybe seeing if you can find her online would help? But then again she could be married with kids and that could be more upsetting..Or maybe she would not remember you, I only voice that possibility because last year a guy that I apparently went to school with in 6th grade got in touch with me through a mutual friend on Facebook.. Seriously I did not remember him at all, even though according to him we shared many classes and hung out a lot.. Me? Clueless I felt really bad.

Have you thought about seeing a Therapist and finding out how to "un stick" yourself from that point in your life...

[troubledsage94]

I have tried finding her since middle school and try every so often. But it was third grade since she moved and she moved to Georgia. A therapist is money I don't have.

[divine1966]

I would try to move on. You don't know who she is as an adult.

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[troubledsage94]

How do I get over her? She helped me stabilize as a person without whom I'd probably have worse problems.

[~Christina]

She helped through some rough times, honor that by moving forward enjoy your life.

[divine1966]

Did you try to search for her?

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[troubledsage94]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Did you try to search for her?

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I have but i cant find her.

[Angel428]

You make me think of one of my ex best friends... We were very close and I helped him through some very tough times. He caught feelings that I did not reciprocate. I loved him, but only as a brother. I ended up having to push him away because his hope of us ending up together was affecting our relationship and keeping him from finding someone else. He doesn't know how to let people go... He's a sweetheart and could easily get a girl, but he refuses to let any of them even get close to his heart. He almost refuses to notice their existence; because he refuses to think that I'm not "the one". Moral of the story: sometimes the best thing to do is move on. There are other people out there, you just have to open your eyes.
I don't know how helpful this was, but I hope that you either find her or find someone you care more for.

[avlady]

yes. live in the present