[fijiisland]

I took a self esteem test and got the score for the lowest esteem you can have. I hate my situation that I am in. I am lonely and feel controlled by everyone. I have a low paying job and am stuck with relatives. My kids hate me and have no respect for me whatsoever! I don't have many friends and the ones I do have have no time for me and treat me like crap. My ex husband treated me like crap. I can't date anyone because I have nothing to say to anyone and can't date because I am stuck in a trap. I have no freedom. I live different lives and have different personalities to please every person and aspect of my life.

I do have men that I chat with online and occasionally meet. I just want to be free like everyone else. I want to just be in the peace and quiet, make whatever food I want. And not have evil eyes staring at me day in and day out. I want a job where I can do what I want, when I want. No hawks watching. I would like some normal friends and some men to date. But I can't date and dont' know how to date. Dating scares me. I would rather sleep with a guy I barely know nothing about, then go on a date to dinner with someone I know better.

I have even thought about making money online doing web cam.

But in person I am extremely shy and no one would ever guess that about me. But I have extreme anger, fits of rage, and then in public I am the calmest person ever. lIttle do they know....

I wonder what personality disorder I have?

[bugbear83]

I don't know you might not have a personality disorder more than be suffering from being a rut. You're feeling inadequate because you have to depend on relatives to get by, not respected by your own children, and unable to control your own life. That gets bottled up and smoothed over while you're at work and in public because we're taught not to show aggression and frustration, but then it all spills up and over while you're alone and feel safe to do so.

I've definitely thought about webcam work myself, but yeah it doesn't lend to very shy personalities~ Are you crafty at all? Maybe making jewelry at home in your spare time and selling it on etsy could make some extra cash. It could also help give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

[fijiisland]

Thank you for your reply!

I was saying I thought of doing webcam because when I do things like that I am NOT shy at all! However in all other areas of my life I am extremely shy.

It just seems weird that I have a hard time for example going to dinner with a guy. But If I slept with him it is not a problem and I am not shy at all.

its like I have different personalities.

[bugbear83]

Oh! Well there we go, that might be a viable business opportunity then~

Well all have different "faces" we show depending on who we're around and how comfortable we are at the time. Like for example I act different around my family than I do my friends. I act differently with people online than I do with people in real life. As for your situation, it sounds like maybe you aren't very comfortable getting close to a guy. Maybe you've been hurt in the past, and don't want to get too serious with someone and risk getting hurt again?

Like if you just sleep with the guy, there's no promises of commitment or expectations. But if you go on a date with him, suddenly there's the pressure to be your best self and you wonder if he likes the You that's out of the bedroom and you have to come up with THINGS to talk about... not to mention with dinner dates there's more of an expectation of a possible relationship.

Maybe it's a fear of intimacy thing?