Looking for advice after breakup

hazn · Dec 11, 2015, 03:15 PM

OK, I think I've come to a conclusion.

Yes, it sucks that after having put so much into the relationship, it ended the way it did. Whether she had a personality disorder or not (and I honestly don't know if she did or didn't), we both had different outlooks on life and our differences would probably have meant that things would have broken down at some point anyway. As for maintaining some kind of friendship, she clearly doesn't want that. Not really much I can do about that, however much it sucks. I guess she has her reasons. I still wish we could have parted on good terms and discussed things to get some closure, especially after everything we shared together. That really is the worst part of all of this for me, because I'd really have liked to have understood why it had to be this way. Even if a relationship has to end, for whatever reason, that doesn't mean you can't end it in a good way... unless someone did something REALLY bad that's unforgivable. Having said all that... at least this has allowed me to see how a relationship can turn someone who was previously more or less independent, into an anxious, clingy, needy, desperate, dependent, pretty much obsessed, person. That's not who I am as a person at all. And although I can understand how our different personalities could have contributed to that, I shouldn't have let it get to that point. Like others have said previously, working on self-esteem, boundaries and such should help prevent something like this happening again.

Summary - Relationships sometimes don't work out, and that's OK. Some people aren't a good match for one another, and that's OK too. If you find yourself having to sacrifice things that are important to you in order to try make a relationship work, that's probably a sign it's not right. I have a pretty good brain, and I shouldn't have gone against what it was telling me.

End of thread! Thank you all!

avlady · Dec 11, 2015, 03:28 PM

good goin" hazn!!!

Aug 27, 2016, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

Hey all,

I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

To make a long story short... I was in a long-distance relationship with someone who I thought shared mutual feelings of love, empathy, and compassion. It turned out that she wasn't actually capable of any of these things. I saw the warning signs early on, but I ignored them and put it down to her troubled upbringing. Over the course of the relationship I went through a LOT of emotional stress. I have anxious preoccupied attachment, whilst she is fearful avoident. She would show me love and affection one day, and be completely indifferent the next. There was no consistency. Her actions and words were in complete conflict. I had days and nights of crippling anxiety trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and what I did wrong. This turned me into a very insecure and needy person. I thought with time I could teach her how to love, and assumed she was as dedicated to making the relationship work as I was. In the end, she cut me out of her life completely over something small, and did so in the most horrible way. It was clear to me that she wanted me to hurt, and she knew I would. I do suspect she has some kind of personality disorder due to her apparent inability to love/form relationships, feel empathy/truly care for other people. She also had some issues with anger, which would manifest itself whenever I would question her inconsistent behavior towards me. It sounds to me a lot like narcissism, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm left feeling the following:

- I'm sad. I lost someone who I loved dearly. What makes it worse is coming to terms with the reality that she wasn't real. When I'm alone I can't help but cry sometimes. Writing this post is difficult. I miss the good times we had, though I know it could never make up for all the bad.
- I'm confused. I never thought someone could be so heartless. I'm not sure if I can ever trust anyone again. I shared all of my deepest feelings and insecurities with her. She must know what impact this is having on me, yet doesn't seem to care.
- I feel guilty. Maybe if I had done things differently, there could have been a more positive outcome. I made some mistakes too, and I know I have things I need to work on. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.

OK so I realise this post is getting a bit long so I'll get to the question. How can I better myself in order to make sure something like this never happens again? I seem to have traits associated with codependency, but I could be wrong. I have low self-esteem. I don't feel very good about myself as a person. I don't have any close friends. When it comes to close relationships I seem to have a hard time regulating my emotions (I've only been in love like 3 times, though)... I feel like that might have something to do with the people I've been attracted to also, though. Ultimately, I'd like to get to a point where I don't place my happiness in someone else's hands and lose my self in the process. I don't want to be dependent on other people. EVER. I hope this makes sense.

I look forward to your replies

OK. First off, I apologize for resurrecting this but this hit close to home on soooo many levels. It sounded like you and I talked to the same girl and you were in my head. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

Her cutting me out was as a result of something bad I did which I shouldn't have done... I was dishonest about something. I told a lie (more like a white lie, but I guess it's the same thing?). I don't believe what I did was that terrible considering the circumstances, but maybe she felt it was. I made a mistake, and I feel very guilty about it. I really don't understand how what I did justifies her reaction, but I can't read her mind. To be honest, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me... we're all human and we make mistakes, how could you drop someone like a hot potato just like that as if there's no context, or as if they never existed?

I did this. During my nervous breakdown, I told a big lie to mine. I felt bad and later confessed. She knew I was lying and that's when she started to not trust me anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

OK, now to be balanced, here is another interpretation... I was too smart for her. I questioned her inconsistent behavior early on in the relationship, so she had to learn to play a better game. Deep down, she knows she is incapable of loving, feeling empathy, and being attached to someone.

I did this exact thing too except it happened during the middle and end. Mine got so upset that she would always say I found something wrong with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

It sucks when you care about someone so much for it not to be reciprocated, right? But you're right, there's not much we can do about it. It's completely out of our hands. We only have control over ourselves and how we try deal with the situation.

It does. The past few days, I learned that all my former friend could not love and only cared about herself. She told me ont time she hated buying X-mas gifts for her family.

So that tells me that even if I continued the relationship, she could've been cold to my family too. That I wouldn't tolerate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

Summary - Relationships sometimes don't work out, and that's OK. Some people aren't a good match for one another, and that's OK too. If you find yourself having to sacrifice things that are important to you in order to try make a relationship work, that's probably a sign it's not right. I have a pretty good brain, and I shouldn't have gone against what it was telling me.

Once again, you were in my head. lol Seriously, I sacrificed my emotional well-being just to try and make mine happy. In the end it wasn't enough and like you said, some people aren't meant for each other.

hazn · Aug 28, 2016, 03:08 AM

That's OK

I'm not going to lie, I still think about her and I still have bad days even though it's been a while now. But I know that'll go away in time, so long as I don't engage with her again.

Although this was a very negative experience for me, it's also taught me a lot about myself. So my advice to you would be to learn what you need to learn and to continue working on you.

Do not do what I did and try to make excuses for her, or blame yourself. You are both to blame for the situation, the difference is that hopefully you'll try address your issues... whereas she will likely repeat this with the next person.

Aug 28, 2016, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

Do not do what I did and try to make excuses for her, or blame yourself. You are both to blame for the situation, the difference is that hopefully you'll try address your issues... whereas she will likely repeat this with the next person.

I won't. I know both of us are to blame and I will address my issues and hopefully overcome them. I know she'll repeat the same behavior with the next person. I hope one day she realizes she has issues and try to help herself.
Just curious. Did yours ever contact you again or try to come back to you or throw bread crumbs at you saying she misses you? I want to be prepared just in case she comes back and I know not to fall for her tricks or charms to hoover me back in.

hazn · Aug 28, 2016, 11:56 AM

It's complicated. We are on talking terms, but we don't talk much (haven't heard from her in over a month, and prior to that was another month). And it's ONLY via email. When we do talk she sends mixed messages... she has said she misses me, but her actions say otherwise. Also said she wanted to try being friends again and that things would be different... yet I see no change in her behavior. I interpret that as breadcrumbs. It's crazymaking, really.

I am no longer initiating contact, and I'm not reacting to her contradictory behavior. I'm not buying into her BS excuses, either.

Since I'm not initiating/chasing anymore I'm sure we will soon lose touch completely. And that works for me. I'm finally rebuilding my self-esteem and no longer feel like a crazy person.

My advice to you would be to block her completely so she has no way of contacting you.

Aug 28, 2016, 12:33 PM

Oh wow. Ok. That's good you're not reacting to her behavior. I read that acting cold with people who may have personality disorders, they'll eventually give up after many attepmts and move on to the next person. Thank you for the advice, hazn. It helped a lot!

Menu

Looking for advice after breakup

My Support Forums