Trying to Interpret my Feelings and Thoughts

This is obviously a VERY long post that I don't expect anyone to read at all, it's just a rant I let myself go on. I'm simply trying to vent for myself at some level and seeing if putting it out there helps with any form of further insight to myself.

I'm just really-tired isn't the word I'd say-more like, burned out and drained I suppose. I'm not to the point where I can't move, or can't get out of bed. And I almost feel like I berate myself into believing that if I'm not as bad as my mom, or my dad or anyone, what right do I have to not do anything? I understand how irrational it is, and even after thinking it, I dispute it and disregard it quickly. I guess I kind of just perplex myself in the way I think or how my thoughts drift. The fact that I so easily pick myself back up and keep it realistic while making myself not better or good or okay, just, there. Making myself stand back up, to be there. It's always an odd sort of feeling. I want to just let the melancholy burn away at me and consume me with sadness and fill me with emptiness, but it's almost like a dream I have. Something I won't let happen, but it's something I always let myself just barely touch. Something I can kind of understand, but not dive into it. I guess I always just want to know what it's like to be down and not get up, I want to be something that I can't completely fix myself. Maybe I think if someone else does it, then I'll be better, everything will be new and from a different perspective. But even when I try to reach out to anyone, or ask as if there's no problem, I get the same answers I already know.

It's like I'm searching for something that isn't there, and I do that a lot I'd say. But again, I'm not. I'm happy with everything I have and I like everything, but I don't know, it drives me insane. And I find it so useless to rant about it over and over again because nothing changes. It's the same thought pattern of trying to fix myself. I'm left wondering if I really need actual help with anything? I can do it myself, and I do on instinct, out of habit, but I still seek out what isn't there. I don't even know what I want or what I'm looking for. I'm so completely mundane that it must be something as simple as being only somehow, or feeling somehow neglected even though I know it's not the case. Even if it were, I'd understand it, and be able to move on. There's just that incredibly mundane want of attention, recognition, someone who you know really cares as much as you do, helping you out as much as you help them, and it's just gripping onto my problems, or changing them. I don't know. It's just so silly honestly. I'm so boringly realistic, that it's how I react without thought. It's my automatic thought process, being logical and realistic. It's almost as if I throw any sort of doubt or these thoughts away, and fight through it without a second thought.

It's all so silly. So silly how the brain works in ways so thoroughly against you, and so different but so incredibly similar to each and every person, that you find yourself going mad. And in reality I know it's nothing to be so worked up about. Or perhaps I'm so invested in staying grounded I don't even know what my personal thoughts are opposed to being realistic. Working how I 'should' and what's best. I don't even know if there's a difference and maybe I'm just purely like a dog chasing cars. With no hope to ever catch one, and if I did I wouldn't even know what to do with it. I just do it, because it's how I've learned to be, how my brain tells me to be. Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into this? Going too far and confusing myself even more without any single chance of understanding. Maybe I over complicate things just to make it a challenge for me, because it's what I'm taught. Over come the challenge, and you're doing things right. I don't even know. Thinking like this makes sense to me, probably others to, or not. But it's all so mixed and annoying. I know it, and that I can't change it and there's no point to it, yet I still point it out. Maybe back to the trying to call attention, and get something from others. Humans are so socially driven, I might as well just end it there. But I just seem to complicate it, good or bad. I'm not sure. But writing makes me feel better, even if I rant. It eases me more then I think I ever could speaking out loud. I'm no good at that. But I still jump head on whenever I need to.

I suppose I am just a poor dog chasing cars. Chasing everything I want to understand, chasing my dreams, and chasing what reality tells me to. Doing everything all at once, trying to be better, but I don't even try outside of thinking. I chase happiness and answers like anyone else. Outside, I'm so content with life, and everything that happens. I just immidiately become almost another person. I'm so invested in my friends, and just a normal high school student. I'm laughing, I'm joking, and it's so different from my thoughts. I'm so straightforward, and I harldy overthink. But that's just how the brain works in some ways. I'm so incredibly normal, and I can't stand it maybe? I don't know. It's all such circular thinking without an end.

But I'm so empty right now. Because I know that things will get better and worse over time. I know that not everything will happen straight away. I know I need to plan, but things can still work out without one right away. I know what I like doing but I don't know what to do. I know it's okay too. I know what everyone will say no matter what I say, or do. I know how it ends, I know how it goes, and I'm just stuck knowing that I won't ever know. But it's all so sickening. You know nothing is for sure, but you can always predict things with reason. I know that. And I know this is ridiculous and all superfluous. But I know that it won't stop me from thinking it a million times over. But everything begins to lose it's meaning or it's sanity thinking that way. So, you simply look at it from a different way and reason it out that way. But it doesn't deduct the value of the other thinking, you're simply changing how you think about it. And then after you look at everything in so many ways they start to blend together, you come out just as empty as before. But that's life, and I know that already right?

My head is something I hate being stuck in so much, but even if i was given the option to change it dramatically, or even not be myself, I'd completely and simply reject the notion. I'm so proud even whenever I don't want to be or have reason. Those mornings when I wake up and want to give up, tell myself I'm going to go to school and be depressed, because I simply can't even begin to try and work or be normal, whenever I'm so drained and bitter, I want to be rude and sad all day, I just can't. Because what would my friends think? They don't deserve that, and what fi they don't even know how to deal with that? I've been put through it so much, I can't ever bring myself to do it. The second I see them, even if I'm upset with them, I'm smiling, and joking, trying to make them smile. All I want is to know is that if they weren't feeling good or if they were sad, that even in the smallest way, I could make them smile even for a second or a moment. Even if I just make them content and relaxed, I'll do anything, and just go right back to where I was whenever I left, whenever I'm alone.

I already feel like I've put them through enough crap myself, and I know what they go through. I'll let them complain or be sad, but I'm always there trying to do whatever i can. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be the hero, and I don't want them to thank me, or even do the same. I'm not better then anyone, I still feel like it's never enough, because sometimes I make it worse or can't help. I feel like I'm letting them down. And I know I shouldn't, and it's not my fault, but to me, that's how it is. I don't know. I've never even cried in front of any of them. Not even in friends I've had for 9 plus years. I've always hated it when people saw me cry. I'd go to the bathroom, lock myself up, and cry into a towel. I'd cry silently, and then sit there breathing until the redness went away. No one ever knew or found out. I've never felt the urge to share my feelings or have someone else comment on them. I've never wanted to say them out loud or have anyone read them. Because I find it as something I know how to fix, what's the point? And I taught myself that I had to be the strong one, because I always became that strong person in any situation or friendship. I was the person grounded and holding the other. I never asked for it, but when it happened, I just accepted it. I wanted to help, because I knew I could. So why shouldn't I?

I've pretty much bottled up my feelings so much I can hardly honestly tell what I'm feeling is real, or something I told myself to feel, or even left over feelings from something related or from yesterday. I can't separate them or tell the difference anymore then I can stop chasing cars or telling myself why bother if I know. Because when I feel it, it's never quite fully there, or entirely real. I always have something else, and other things mixed in that drowns it all out. And soon it's faded and murky, a remembrance of falsifications and reality. So why share anything if I don't know what to share? Is it even real if I feel it for moments but it completely dissipates from my mind after doubting what I fell, or even thinking it's the wrong thing to feel? I don't mean that I confused it later on while looking back. I'm just changing my emotions, almost forgetting what they are. I don't really know anymore. I don't know how I feel, or what I should feel. I don't know why it happens, but it does. And this probably should be a red flag. Not feeling clearly, or even thinking it's real, but I'm so use to it, how do I know I'm even feeling the truth? It's so silly. It's all so ridiculous.

I'm just tired of it. Of myself. Of being so opposing of myself I can't stand anything, but I melt into a melancholy that I can't explain. But I don't care really. I don't care in the way I think I should. I don't even know how I care, because like I've said, it's all so silly to me. But it's something I wanted to say, something I needed to pour out of me and just try to make it more substantial. But clearly, my thought process has no backbone. I'm not sure. It's all so normal, but I can't get over how ridiculous I find it, and myself. I doubt this is even anything to read. But it always makes me feel better to write, and doing something with that writing, well I suppose it gives you closure on one specific thought process. But it doesn't mean I won't start it again in a slightly different light immediately after, or a week later. I don't know. I doubt there's anything anyone, or even I could make out of this. But that's just me and how I think. This is really the only place I can rant. I don't know.

I think we are all pretty much confused and very human individuals. I don't think I know anyone who isn't struggling through life.

You may think your words are unorganized and just a rant, but I was in the same place during HS. A decade later and I'm cycling back through. I have built myself based on what others needed or thought I should be. There is a lot of emptiness in exhibiting the "strong one" behavior. Take care of yourself. Writing is a great way to figure out your feelings. Counseling may help too-- don't let that option intimidate you. Warm wishes, Eccentric Angel!