[Yismymindblank12]

If my mom died last week from her accident.

Nothing would hold me back on killing myself.

Flat out, I couldn't live with myself knowing no one would see my greatest moments and that the person who had the chance to open up and show she cares about me gone. Living from then on never knowing what it be like seeing my mom smile for the first time and that she'd never see me succeed. That my sense of belonging and family gone entirely.

the fact I would feel that someone cares gone entirely. I would stop being nice and be so mean to people. I had a plan of doing anything and let myself die. I didn't want to see myself here forced to pay her huge debt with my dad never able to afford a place to live. I would of not eaten anymore and would of done everything in my power to make myself throw up I'd be so selfish, because I need to be before I go on and end it.

I was so hurt because I felt that people would give me so much pity I would try my best to tell them how much they are ****** people and they don't care and they don't try and I know they know what I'm talking about.

Some people in my life I'll tell them I'm sorry for doing this, but I gotta do it.

That in the end you wouldn't get to understand how I feel if you weren't here. That when I'm told it will get better is the biggest heart ache ever.
Feeling that it maybe better, but has gotten worse and you just try to live like it's ok. It's not right.

Life isn't fair, I know so I should off myself to get over this crap and not go insane when I'm homeless and old and staring at some piece of paper wishing my life would of turned around. Knowing I didn't have a choice in this matter I was supposed to die because it's not that I don't have motivation. I don't care to be alive. I don't care about this stupid games people play I don't care about working my way up to make myself feel so disconnected with the happiness and success. I can't stand my life. It's not real it's like my soul has been taken from me for being alive. It's not once gotten better. I am grateful for a lot of things, but my situation never gotten better and I've been doing all I can working at 2 jobs before almost 3. I starved myself a lot to keep food in the house and I was very ill physically and suffer from major dystonia. I dated abusive people who I only had a choice to go for it wasn't right for me to date them or them be apart of this.

In the end, I rather not see another day. I want to get to the end of this 5k and just take a nap. Existence isn't about existing my life experience was never easy it's never has been and it's never gotten easier. I wish people stop being sooo ****ing cruel and being so damn judgemental and make simple things the most difficult task ever.

Don't lecture me I know I know I know. but I don't know, because I haven't been in your shoes when it got better for you. I know because I'm still waiting and working towards it. It's me die trying.

[nicoleflynn]

If you could change your life, what would it look like?

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

If you could change your life, what would it look like?

The beginning of my life, where I was betrayed by everyone especially my parents as a 4 to 6 year old. I couldn't tell you how confusing and painful that is when you had no body to go to because everyone you trusted hurt you badly.

That I would be like most kids, where my parents would have the balls and try to get to the bottom of what's going on asking me how my day was, and asking me if I'm doing alright or that listening to me.

That what would go right is my mom wouldn't had put us in so much debt losing our house lives and food. That I could go to school be with friends more and more and had been able to learn how to drive make mistakes when I'm young and not now when I'm a young adult that I should of learned then, but never had the chance to.

That I had the opportunity to make amends and save money for myself and learn a better self esteem of myself the one the people do see and compliment me on. That even if I was a teen dad that I have my child her with me.

That my grandma didn't die of starvation and she died peacefully from alzheimers that my family didn't get all drama over nothing. That I could go back and relive every day as I grew up having what it's like to feel apart of a family like many people I know who take it for granted.

That I had the resources to better my life and not just survive.

That I had the knowledge and strength earlier to know when someone goes wrong in a relationship before. That I would never have to look at myself in the mirror and wonder how many pounds I've lost.

That I would make my parents happy I'm around. That they be more open about how they feel about me.

That I could of been like those kids in my school who didn't know what heartache and pain was like and just living life to the fullest because they were lucky it was given to them.

Many days I could see myself having what I always wanted when I got older I wanted a new family, my friends that I'm close to, my SO their family and what's left of mine. That I don't fear my death because I had a life that felt worth living not something that was never given to me, it's like I'm given a chance to make it better when everything is taken from me so I have to work with nothing.

That I could make a difference in the world and show people directly how much I care about them. That I would help people in need who are more unfortunate than me. That I would go so far to even adopt some children who are orphans that I would go as far as putting myself in danger to make sure someone feels safe. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure people aren't unhappy anymore. That I could make those choices, because I know exactly how I would go about it.

That if I could go back I would of hugged everyone I hurt and told them why I acted that way and didn't want to hurt them and that I show I have a big heart, and that people really shouldn't feel bad for me. That I chose be a better person because I really care about other people even if they don't for me.

[stewartmays1]

i lost my step dad a year ago only to loose my mum a few months ago so i get how you feal but the truth is you have to pick yourself up and carry on living your life its the only way you will never forget your mum