Hi there,

I've been working through a lot of issues brought on by childhood abandonment and have finally reached a point where I should be grieving the fact that I never had what you'd call a mother, but this is where I find myself stuck.

I've realised I'm scared to death of crying. I'm absolutely certain that if I do, I'll receive a smack. I can't remember ever being hit, but I know that at least the threat of violence existed when I was growing up, from my dad.

I guess what I need to ask is that surely, no healthy person would hit anyone for crying? On the contrary, isn't the normal reaction to be concerned and want to help?

[Thunder Bow]

Yes, of course it is. You made progress and have good awareness of what went on when you were growing up.

[Bill3]

(((((d.o.a.)))))

Thank you so much

Just shed my first real tears over my mum abandoning me.. I've always felt kind of pathetic about crying and had actually convinced myself I was never going to do it if I could help it. But now I decided I don't want to feel ashamed every time something brings tears to my eyes, so I let myself go and am sharing now to further take the shame and fear out of the equation..

[Bill3]

d.o.a., that was a very big step. Congratulations!

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a.

NOTHING AT ALL pathetic about crying!!
Hurt is hurt, pain is pain..........and that's not something to be ashamed about, and neither should be the outward expression of those. I'm just sorry your mother took that expression away from you
And yes, about your mother.........you have every right to feel hurt, to shed tears about the way she treated you!!

Plus, you're right, I would hope that the natural human instinct if someone was crying would be compassion and caring and that you're able to give that to yourself also if/when you shed tears

And d.o.a..........major kudos for the massive step you've taken in the outward expression of your feelings/in shedding tears!!! That is a real sign of strength!!!



Alison

d.o.a.
I know how you feel. Crying was not welcome in my house, at all. I was threatened with punishment when I did.

I am allowed to cry, now, as an adult. I give myself permission.

hugs.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

I guess what I need to ask is that surely, no healthy person would hit anyone for crying? On the contrary, isn't the normal reaction to be concerned and want to help?

not to deminish how you are feeling because I know many that feel the way you do, and I am sorry but in reference to your question ...yes perectly normal healthy people do and have hit out for crying....

in some cultures its a standard part of life that children must be seen and not heard. and crying is not allowed. its not about mental illness or other problems, just part of that culture...

many religions also have standards about this where crying is not allowed and is punished due to website rules i can not go into more detail but if you go to a library and research religions you will find that most religions have something about this kind of thing.

also for many many generations it was a standard good parenting where the statement of give you something to cry for was acceptable and encouraged.

even now many USA states do not outlaw corporal punishments. there are many parenting books out there that are presently teaching parents how to curtail crying/fit throwing\temper tantrums some of which contain not allowing \punishing for crying.

here in america how parents deal with children's crying is more a parental decision, though the USA does have ...abuse ....laws punishing a child by time outs, or corporal punishment is not abuse in most cases. my location has legal definitions of what is and isnt abuse. for example here in NY a parent is legally able to spank their child even if it is for crying\ throwing a temper tantrum. what they can not do is spank with an object\bruising and such.

though ....some ....people with mental disorders may do what you asked due to their problems but over all its perfectly normal part of ones own religion, cultural background and parenting choices.

[Bill3]

Many people have hurt others, often their own children, due to the perhaps unwitting acceptance of cultural narratives against crying. The people may be "normal" in accepting this cultural narrative. The people may be healthy in many ways. But the accepting and acting upon this anti-crying narrative, particularly with regard to children, is an unhealthy aspect of their personalities and it causes damage to themselves and to those they criticise and punish.

Alison, thank you SO much again!

I think I've felt pathetic about crying because I've got things mixed up in my head.. As a child, I was small and unable to protect myself - and I think it's normal to hate feeling so helpless, and to not want to feel like that again..

BUT.. To call myself 'pathetic' is like I'm blaming myself for not being stronger and more capable of protecting myself - when I never should have been put into that position where I needed to be! I did nothing wrong by being the helpless child that I was.. What was wrong was my dad acting threateningly, and my mum/other adults in my life not protecting me.

Amandalouise, a quotation comes to mind.. 'It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.'

No matter how strongly someone believes that what they're doing is 'parenting', abuse is abuse. And to punish a child for something as human as feeling is SICK in my book, no matter how long people have acted that way. Of course, many people just repeat what they saw their own parents and other adults do and say, without a thought to what it means to a child.

For me, not being allowed to express my feelings made me feel like I was suffocating. Often, my mum would actually tell me to choke on my anger! Not being heard made me believe that what I had to say was worth nothing. I learned to hate myself and be terrified of my own feelings.

Now, at 30, I have no idea who I am or what I want. But I'm learning to accept my feelings and listen to them. A big part of the process is to unlearn the sick messages I've received my whole life. Thankfully, there are people here who can send me healthier messages and help me believe in myself - THANK YOU for that, from the bottom of my heart

[Shaly78]

Sounds like the closest thing to a flashback, research flashback they have some origins in your memory although you say you don't have memory...Talking about it session came maybe make that memory seem more real to you instead of downplaying it and wonder why who ever done this too is health or not....That kinda doesn't matter.....Sometimes, people just get mad doesn't necessarily mean they are mental health lol...Although, I get what you are saying, when we as adults enter therapy you question everyone's sanity growing up that you was around especially the immediate family, especially if there is cycles of abuse from their family . Hopefully they are safe enough to keep that relationship now matter how mad you get