[mf1438]

I just finished reading the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I took the profile. My primary love languages are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

I am love starved. I desperately need encouragement, words of affirmation. Looking back on my life I can now see how my grandmother saved my life. When all had given up on me, my mother, my father, my sister, my grandmother still encouraged me. She believed in me when I did not believe in myself and eventually I triumphed over adversity. It was hard. It took years and years, but when I graduated from college and my grandmother was there to see how I had finally made something of myself, I was so happy.

The book was encouraging and answered a lot of questions for me. It opened my eyes to a big missing piece in my marriage. My wife doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t want to read the book. She doesn’t want to do the Tank Check game.

But I did start the exercise From Chapter 12: Loving the Unlovely. This is where you ask your spouse for feedback “I’ve been thinking about us and I’ve decided that I would like to be a better husband to you.”

Has anybody tried this? I’m looking for some words of encouragement, letting me know I’m on the right track.

[eskielover]

Maybe your love language is just different than your wife's...it doesn't make hers wrong...just different & even though she's not willing to read the book & do the exercises, I'm sure that by reading the book & knowing your wife, you can pretty much guess correctly what her love language is.

Just because you feel love starved....maybe she does to because you might not be fulfilling her love language either.

Gary Chapman is very good in this specialty area. I have listened to him often on the radio but haven't read the book. No need because I left my H 8 1/2 years ago for many serious reasons that couldn't be fixed by a love language when his ability to communicate even in the english language never existed in the first place.

There could be more serious issues underlying the incompatibility between you & your wife. I know the issues I had with respect for my H turned me off from wanting to have sex with him from the beginning of our marriage. I didn't see this until after I left 33 years later & was able to see the big picture & not just the everyday problems. Sometimes we agree to get married for reasons that aren't just love though we think it is at the time. Sometimes little things we think about the guy before we get married we think will change & sometimes thise negative feelings end up getting reinforces rather than resolved & it's a turn off when it comes to wanting to have sex with this person we thought we got married to because we loved them....but those things that mess with our respect for them block the desire for sex rather than inspire it.

It may be that your marriage has more wrong with it than just sex. Is there something about your bast, or your behavior that is turning your wife off rather than turning her on toward you....because if there is,....that is what needs to be worked on....not the issues regarding sex

[orangyred]

I've read the book. I think Chapman really helps identify how we need to be loved. It was very helpful for me.

I do know that my husband and I do have different love languages. His primary is definitely physical touch. I have a hard time with physical touch. A very hard time. So loving him how he needs is very difficult for me. He is way better at my primary/stronger love language which is Quality Time.

I agree with eskielover, that it's possible you need to identify your wife's primary love language and see if that helps. I also agree that isn't always the answer. I can't remember much about Chapter 12, but if it helps I say go for it. It's your situation and you may know that is the right way to go for now.

The book sounds lovely. I am reading "The language of letting go" by Melodie Beattie. It deals with love in many aspects and i find it resourceful. tc and blessings