Is this a dark part of my personality?

shezbut · May 01, 2016, 12:45 AM

I recently found out that a colleague/"pal" at work lost her brother.

Possible trigger:

He had killed himself, without warning anyone beforehand.

He "had it all". A loving family. A paid-off home, cars, boats, and property. He had recently retired from work & was anxious to walk my pal down the aisle to get married.

My pal is understandably upset. She is stooped as to why in the world he would have done such a thing. That's when I became quiet.

Possible trigger:

I find myself feeling envious that he's gone. It's not my first time. I've struggled with these feelings for many years now. Feelings of envy or resentment, I think? These feelings aren't aimed towards anyone, I don't think. Just an intense desire to leave this life behind.

I know that it's not pretty. So, I never tell anyone about these repetitive thoughts and feelings of mine. They're nothing to be proud of, I know that much.

But, I wish so badly that I could go.

What do you think? Is this a personality trait? Is it something to be concerned about or is it relatively common?

Raindropvampire · May 01, 2016, 12:51 AM

I especially think among those of us that live with pain/mental pain everyday it's very common. I know when my sister opted out the VERY FIRST thing I felt was jealousy. And it makes my eyes tear up to admit that but it's true.

I never really thought whether I should be concerned it's just how it is. I always figured lots of other people feel the same way

Onward2wards · May 01, 2016, 05:22 PM

I think it is understandable to become envious of anything someone else does to actively relieve distress when we ourselves are struggling to do so - no matter whether what they are doing is positive or negative.

smartiesparty · May 02, 2016, 10:30 AM

I have felt the same plenty of times. I was jealous they'd taken the 'big step' and that I still had to stay at the same place, feeling the pain over and over again. These feelings are totally normal, I would not say they're a dark part of your personality. It is understandable, knowing that you've been going through such an intense pain.

IrisBloom · May 02, 2016, 11:37 AM

I think it's a pretty normal feeling, for those of us who suffer.

As for the girl being perplexed as to why her brother did this: Be aware that when sui happens, family members go into denial. There is a lot of guilt involved with those closest (or those who should have been) to the victim. It's easier to wonder why than examine what was really going on. Not saying that everyone who sui is being mistreated. Just that signs might be there along the way and the ones closest to the victim miss them for whatever reason, so when it does happen the first impulse is to deny.

My family has been through this and it really cranked up the denial and blaming in an already way screwed up family.

The fact that you are still here is a sign of how strong you are. Keep surviving. Ending it is not really a solution at all. As long as you are here there is always a possibility that tomorrow will be the day you wake up to a whole new life.

notz · May 03, 2016, 01:03 AM

Possible trigger:

My experience is I envy the lack of emotional pain that they, the deceased, must no longer have. I wonder what the end must have felt like for them. Did it hurt? Were they happy for a brief period of time? I imagine their last heartbeat, their last breath as if it were my own. I believe that once suicide is a conscious thought, it never comes off the table as a possible alternative to living. I'm not saying I will never do it, but I am saying I don't want to hurt anyone who loves me.

Hugs dear Shez!

May 05, 2016, 07:13 AM

Hi Shezbut, a friend once confided in me that he'd had similar thoughts to those you describe. This was something he had experienced in the past, he no longer had those feelings but didn't discount they may return.

All I can say is I hope that you will feel differently one day, I do not personally believe it is part of your personality, just a place where you are now. Feelings can change.

Douglas MacNeill · May 08, 2016, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I recently found out that a colleague/"pal" at work lost her brother.

Possible trigger:

He had killed himself, without warning anyone beforehand.

He "had it all". A loving family. A paid-off home, cars, boats, and property. He had recently retired from work & was anxious to walk my pal down the aisle to get married.

My pal is understandably upset. She is stooped as to why in the world he would have done such a thing. That's when I became quiet.

Possible trigger:

I find myself feeling envious that he's gone. It's not my first time. I've struggled with these feelings for many years now. Feelings of envy or resentment, I think? These feelings aren't aimed towards anyone, I don't think. Just an intense desire to leave this life behind.

I know that it's not pretty. So, I never tell anyone about these repetitive thoughts and feelings of mine. They're nothing to be proud of, I know that much.

But, I wish so badly that I could go.

What do you think? Is this a personality trait? Is it something to be concerned about or is it relatively common?

----------------------

Shezbut: Let's just say that emotions/feelings are guided by a logic (stimulus/response, rather than syllogism) all their own, and that some of our reactions (Possible Trigger) when persons we know die by their own hand (End possible trigger) only make sense according to the logic that guides emotions/feelings. That doesn't mean we should act on them, by any means. Even if it is envy for the deceased, however, envy is envy is envy.

Right now, I suspect you could use one of these:

As for me, I have a problem here: Could someone teach me how to ensure that potentially triggering content is actually hidden in a post? I've marked the relevant text, but how do I
use the features of this forum software to hide the potential trigger? If a moderator or some other expert could give me an explanation (say, in a pm), I would happily act accordingly.