[ace333]

I know its still a week until fathers day but I'm already feeling the anxiety and depression about it. My dad past suddenly this past march so its only been a few months. I'm still struggling but feel ok most days but now that fathers day is looming I feel a dark cloud of sadness coming and I'm trying to do my best to keep it under control as I tend to lash out on others around me for no reason doesn't anyone have any tips to help me out

[Aviza]

Some days are truly harder than others. Just take it a day at a time, know he's at peace now, and try to live your life.

[Onyx999]

It sounds trite, but its true...you just have to get through it one hour at a time. I feel for you. My mother with whom I had a very complicated relationship died in March as well. Today has been kind of a bad day for whatever reason.

You are not alone in this.

Dad: 1935 - 2003
Mom: 1940-2016

wishing you peace and an eased mind.

Originally Posted by ace333

I know its still a week until fathers day but I'm already feeling the anxiety and depression about it. My dad past suddenly this past march so its only been a few months. I'm still struggling but feel ok most days but now that fathers day is looming I feel a dark cloud of sadness coming and I'm trying to do my best to keep it under control as I tend to lash out on others around me for no reason doesn't anyone have any tips to help me out

It's 32 years later, now, since my dad died of a sudden, one and only, heart attack. To say that I didn't handle it well is an insult to anyone who's been on the losing side of a not-quite-complete genocide.

Not dealing with my dad's death, feeling unable to name or write down my feeling, is what led to my very first mental illness diagnosis. Father's Day is a matter of days away and I don't know if you see a therapist or psychiatrist or any sort doctor but, if not, I would try to see if there's a grief counseling specialist that you could, at least, make an appointment to see, or, if you're seeing someone now, ask for a grief session soon. If you're not seeing anyone, get out your insurance card (and benefits book) and start looking. Make sure of his/her specialties and make an appt.

Probably the best thing to do is call either Primary Care Doc or your insurance company and ask for a recommendation (if they don't already require one).

In order, the holidays that followed my dad's death were Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Ash Wednesday, (I'm having difficulty thinking right now) Easter, Father's Day, etc.

Thanksgiving (at a friend's home, a friend with a large family, a friend's family accustomed to taking in abandoned college students, wayward - or at a loss - partners and spouses), then his birthday (which I skipped) and Christmas were the worst. No, that first Christmas was the worst. Our little family, so much smaller even with a single absence, just stopped functioning that first Christmas. The four of us remaining decided that going to our mountain house was a better idea than sitting around the family home waiting for no one to show up.

I don't think that anyone slept through early Christmas Eve morning. And instead of opening gifts on Christmas morning as had been our custom, we navigated the nicely cleared snow road into town and had breakfast. The dining room had a prix fixe on (what I believe now was) an all-you-can-eat, Lazy-Susan sort of layout. I had a taste of everything and the food was delicious. But none of us ate much. Now that we were up we decided to keep moving (by silent vote) and we got back to the house with the (again, silent vote) understanding that we would open gifts.

I don't recall who opened the first gift but I'll just say that it was me, since I was the youngest there. My stepmother handed me a huge and heavy box and said, "your Dad got that for you this summer in Germany." I opened the box and pulled out the largest, most ornate, ugliest, complicated, repugnant and appalling German beer stein that I have ever seen.

I sat, turning the stein in my hands, looking at the enclosed catalog, and wondering what response was expected of me. Even now, except during a hypermanic episode, I stay out of hospital by evaluating what expected responses might be from the people around me and behaving in that manner.

What the hell did they expect? I was at a loss for once. I was so at a loss that I guess that I was overtaken by delirium? I don't know. I know that I like the hollow sound of "delirium" and I know that I equally like the fullness of the word "dirigible." That seems reversed, doesn't it? A dirigible is actually full when it's ready for operation. You just can’t see that it’s full. Not without a gauge. And I didn’t bring my gauge that day.

I know that I began giggling and then laughing. Hearty and boisterous laughter replaced the giggling and then a kind of righteous weeping - righteous, mind you - that wavered up and down, up and down, and I don't know how long that lasted.

I mean that I really have no idea how long that I rode the coaster that day. The three other people who were there that Christmas Day are dead. At some point I took my beer stein and walked upstairs with that last gift from my father.

I laid in bed and just kept looking at my beer stein. The laughing had stopped and I just laid in bed, sobbing, until I fell asleep. I slept until the next morning. One of those 24-hour sleeps.

My father's death, and the mental health issues that resulted from my negligence of grieving, changed my life negatively for decades. It is still changing me, particularly in terms of any previous self-worth or values. I didn't know how to handle grief and I didn't know where to look for help. My dad's death was so very sudden and I was so completely unprepared and the only things that I can suggest are to make certain that you're not alone for a long period of the day, be ready for any emotion (a crying jag or fits of laughter) and if feel like you need to do something to pay homage to your father, do it.

My dad was buried in a traditional American casket/cemetery funeral and, after that first Christmas, where I felt as if we tried to run away from him and as if we would be happier if we put miles between us, I decided that had been a mistake. I handled holiday's home just as I had previous to his death. I didn't spend every Christmas at home but I did try to make every Father's Day and visit his gravesite, just sit and talk. And then I couldn't make it for a number years and now he's about 12 miles from me and I haven't visited for 13 years.

I think everyone has a different idea of how to remember ones family, probably based upon a tradition of some kind. I know that my intentions were good in principle but flopped in practice. No, that's not true. I'm not sure where I messed up but I know that I should have been in therapy two weeks after my dad died rather than one year.

I still have problems in dealing with grief. I've had more death and loss than most my age. But now others are catching up, bless them. The people that I was in university with are losing their parents now, if they've not already done so. And it's reasonable, I think, that between 60 and 70 years old that most can expect to lose parents very soon. At first I was surprised by how easily my friends took their parents death. Well of course they did! Parents aged between 73 up to their 90’s? That shouldn’t be surprising.

By 25,though, I had lost both parents. Loss and grief. The first is going to happen, it's a matter of time. But get help with grief if you think that it would help. I didn't realise until recently that I was sitting on a bomb of explosive grief and that it was my fear of "just one more loss" that was keeping me from moving. LOSS. GRIEF. FEAR. ISOLATION. And here I lay, reading to sleep the day away.

As always, when I find emotions here that I can relate to, I usurp a question and make it about ME. I'm sorry. It's the way that I empathize, I think? I missed my therapy appt yesterday because I was having some alarming physical problems. This is the second that I've had to cancel in a row. I wish that I could find a Skype therapist or some kind of Internet therapy.

I'm really going overboard in making this about me. It won't do any good to stay in this mode. Oh - the lashing out. Anger is so new to me but, damnit, it feels so good sometimes. If I had been able to find anger earlier, I could have avoided all of the angst maybe. When I do finally get back with my therapist I'm going to ask him if I can think of his office as a place where I can exhibit anger without repercussion, curse instead of thinking of it as a place where I must be on best behavior. Maybe it would be okay for you to single out a couple of friends and ask if you can rag on them if you're a bit overwhelmed.

Some of these things may seem far-fetched; maybe they seem too little. You can't anticipate everything but you can be prepared for some things. My dad's death and the years that followed were/are the worst of my life. See how you get by this, be aware of any coping skills that you may learn this Sunday and then talk it over with someone (therapist preferred).

Good luck. Be prepared.

[handheart]

Well its hard for you and its normaly to afect you ,the losing a dear person its very paintful .I dont know how i can help you i just only say to you to be powerful