[Kitty_Love_53]

Hello! I would love some help.

Today my girlfriend's younger cousin got engaged which caused her to get angry and cry for hours. Even though she's the older one, she has felt behind in everything in life (from getting a license to dating to renting a house, etc.). She really wanted to be the first one to be engaged and married (even though her cousin and fiancé have been together for almost 8 years now). She thinks that because her cousin has her life "more together" that makes her a failure and her family won't care about her life. She keeps talking like she is in a competition with her cousin.

Also, she was scared about graduating from university this spring (before said cousin), but was feeling better when we invited her family and they were excited about going. Now she thinks nobody will care.

I have been trying to make her feel better but I really do not know what to say. If anyone has any advice that would be much appreciated!

[green0cake]

She is just the one thinking of that competition.

Even though she's the older one, she has felt behind in everything in life (from getting a license to dating to renting a house, etc.). She really wanted to be the first one to be engaged and married (even though her cousin and fiancé have been together for almost 8 years now). She thinks that because her cousin has her life "more together" that makes her a failure and her family won't care about her life.

I don't think it comes with being an older one. Maybe family looks on maturity. With the way your gf acts, she is not yet matured.

I suggest you should not pamper her. But instead, she need to learn things for her to be mature. She needs to be secure one way or the other. I'm sorry I don't have steps/to do's to say.

Sounds like she has a self-esteem problem a little self-worth.

What are her goals? What steps is she taking to attain them? What are the positive aspect of her life that she probably discounts about herself?

Is there any way to celebrate the good things in her life?

[Kitty_Love_53]

Ok, I'm replying to this thread again months late...

I think maturity may have something to do with it, but we are young so that only makes sense.

She definitely has self-esteem issues. She has felt like she lives in the shadow of her cousin. I've been trying to tell her that she's not behind in life, but she truly believes she is and I'm not sure why. She actually just graduated (on time) with a BS and has related jobs (still looking to start a career though). She is panicking about the future a lot and I feel like nothing I am saying is helping.

You can only encourage so far. Your cousin has a poor self image like not wanted, not loved, not appreciated. Sounds like some family dynamics there need working on. She needs to stop trying to live for others and competing with them and start living for herself. It would be a blessing if you could softly and gently mention counseling to her and hand her a few names and numbers for her to contact. blessings

I agree about the maturity factor.

I also agree with the talk above about self-esteem.

I know of agreat many exercises and worksheets that pertain to this but it would be ludicrous for you to be the one to give them to her. She needs to take the bull by the horns and get help for this herself.

As such, there are ways of being supportive and encouraging without telling her how to feel better. You can subtly get her to talk by asking questions like, "You seem better today, tell me how you are feeling" "What did you think of such-in-such?" "I noticed xyz got you a bit down, how could it have been better." Essentially you want to ask questions that demand multi-word answers instead of those that are close ended (questions that require only one word to reply).

[Bill3]

I've been trying to tell her that she's not behind in life, but she truly believes she is and I'm not sure why. She actually just graduated (on time) with a BS and has related jobs (still looking to start a career though). She is panicking about the future a lot and I feel like nothing I am saying is helping.

When you contradict her by telling her that she is not behind in life, you are showing her that she is alone, that you, and people generally, cannot understand and accept what she is thinking and/or feeling.

As an alternative, you might want to try "active listening".

In active listening, you "reflect back" what the person thinks and/or feels, without judging it. So, for example, when she says that she is behind in life, you might say You sense that you will never catch up. Or You feel inadequate and hopeless right now. Or You see your cousin as doing so much better than you right now, and it hurts to see that.

These statements do not agree or disagree, they simply show that you understand her thoughts, and/or you understand her feelings, and you don't judge them. You simply are with her in her distress. She is not alone.

If you don't quite get her thoughts or feelings right, she has the opportunity to correct you. If she does correct you, then you just reflect back the correction--again, to show her that you understand and accept without agreeing, disagreeing, or judging. You simply are with her in her distress. She is not alone.

[LadyShadow]

Bill always has such excellent advice!

Well to be honest, there is definitely some self worth/self esteem issues going on there. I used to be like that too, jealous of friends getting married on facebook having kids etc, and I felt behind.

But then....I got older and wiser.

Listen I have a younger sister who has EVERYTHING I never had. Private schools, excellent college education, a boyfriend who she will marry and have babies with and a great rewarding career.....

Me on the other hand I am 36 years old, single fat and living off of my parents and on disability. But you know what??? I lived and I am living an amazing life. And I couldn't be happier for my sister. I plan on being the maid of honor at her wedding, fat and all!!

So it is a question of maturity.....