[starryprince]

Hey all! Hope you're all doing well! I've written on here about my grandma and how she sexually abused me as a kid. I was also molested by someone else and my grandmother convinced my mother not to confront the person. This all happened around the same time, when I was 5. She was also quite emotionally abusive (which I admittedly have a hard time recovering from). I go to therapy, just in case anyone was wondering.

I also mentioned on here that my mother knows about all of this but she is in denial. She doesn't believe it was that bad.

I currently live with my mother and grandmother and it's been...Well, it kinda suck to be honest. I love my mother to death. I always will and I will always be forever grateful for everything she does and has done for me.

What is driving me up a wall, however, is how my mother dismisses everything my grandma does as nothing. Ever since my grandma learned I'm gay, she's been asking me intrusive questions about my sex life and saying how she's ashamed of me and she thinks I'm sick. She's said a bunch of different things but those things stick out. Instead my mom laughs and tells me, "You have to get your grandma out of your head" and she says how I have to ignore my grandmother. I don't understand how I can do that, knowing and remembering every abusive thing she's done and is currently doing.

My mother is being very passive about all of this, the abuse, the homophobia, everything. It's making me angry but it also saddens me and makes me feel really invalidated. I was dealing with everything as a kid when I was molested and I'm dealing with it alone now.

I'm getting my masters degree at the end of this year so I'm hoping I can find a job right after, save up, and move out.

How do I deal with my mother's passiveness? Am I wrong in my feelings? Am I the problem?

This was hard to write...I could really use some advice, please. Thanks a lot in advance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello starryprince: Congratulations on getting your Master's Degree! That is a great accomplishment! You mentioned you are in therapy. And, of course, therapy is really the place to process all that has happened with you.

No, I don't believe you are the problem nor are you wrong in your feelings. But, at the same time, I don't know as there is really anything you can do to deal with your mother's passiveness, other than working through how you feel about it in therapy.

Your mother, and your grandmother, have had many years to become the people they are. Imagining that there should be something you could do to change either of them (if you could just figure out what it is) is simply putting pressure on yourself to try to figure something out. It's a chimera.

From my perspective, the best thing you can do here is to focus on finishing up with your studies & getting a job so that you can move out on your own.

[newday2020]

Agree with Skeezyks .........very good advice.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello starryprince: Congratulations on getting your Master's Degree! That is a great accomplishment! You mentioned you are in therapy. And, of course, therapy is really the place to process all that has happened with you.

No, I don't believe you are the problem nor are you wrong in your feelings. But, at the same time, I don't know as there is really anything you can do to deal with your mother's passiveness, other than working through how you feel about it in therapy.

Your mother, and your grandmother, have had many years to become the people they are. Imagining that there should be something you could do to change either of them (if you could just figure out what it is) is simply putting pressure on yourself to try to figure something out. It's a chimera.

From my perspective, the best thing you can do here is to focus on finishing up with your studies & getting a job so that you can move out on your own.

Hey Skeezyks! Thanks for the congratulations and advice! It has definitely been difficult but I'm glad I'm nearing the end of my educational journey (for now anyways). I'm quite proud of myself. At times, I didn't think I'd get this far and here I am!

You bring up an excellent point that I wasn't even aware of myself: the fact that I believe I can change them. I guess I do believe that, if I change my behavior or just sit down and talk to them, that would be enough to make them see my side. But deep down I know that's not true. My grandma will never change and my mom is in a lot of denial and feels stuck between me and my grandma. It's a difficult situation that can't be changed overnight, if at all.

You're right. I'll just try to focus on myself and my own well-being. Thanks a lot for this advice!

[Shaly78]

When ur being rejected put an end to the rejection! She can't handle it give her grace on this and get another confidante.