I can't stand this

Life is not.at.its best right now.I have had three technical suicide attempts and those are recent ones for this month meaning more.everyone is happy around me.I can't stand being depressed.I was given a list of things to do when I feel depressed. I completed one then ended up hurting myself afterwards.any case I gave myself a tattoo so cute.I juat don't understand why I have to be like this.why God or some exerestrial force or being made me this way.if I'm just a pawn to be played with and sacrificed for a king I don't like my position. So much I want but I hold myself back, I think back to grade school how everything was structured and now as an adult. There's none.nobody cares and acts of suicide make people judge and hate you.I wish for structuer in my life cause now I'm flying but I don't know we're I'm going.and I also feel like I can't help My family.I'm a burden.my mom complains I'm dragging the family down I didn't ask for the responsibility to hold them up.parents should take care of there children not the other way around if they are able to.and I'm being forced to take care of them I can't.do this I'm not.strong enough. I wish my family would stop trying so hard to fix me for selfish gain

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I don't think they would be trying to fix you for selfish gain. It must be so hard for them to see you in so much pain that you are trying to kill yourself. I don't think it's so much that you have a responsibility to hold them up, but how you are will have an impact on the family too. I'm not saying you're to blame for that, it's just kind of inevitable.