[ectoplasmLunatic]

i know i have pretty bad anger issues. i can't control it and i get most angry at my mother that i live with. i came out as ftm in january sometime near my birthday this year. maybe that will be a useful information. my parents divorced when i was maybe 8 or 9 but i didn't care much. then when i was about 11 i started harming myself and my self esteem went down way too low. of course my mother blamed it on the divorce and took me to a therapist. and here they dont care they just see a kid and blame it on the divorce of its parents. it was all useless of course. nothing helped. i stopped harming myself after maybe 2 years but then last year sometime i found out about transgender people. then it hit me. i always hated myself for i dont know what reason. i had nothing to say. i just wanted to appear more feminine for others and look more pretty and all that bullsh¡t. when i found out that something like transgender exists i knew i wasn't a girl. but i had to keep it to myself until january. and then when i came out my mother said she accepts me but doesn't respect me at all anyway until now. she's only calling me more sweet supid names and angering me on purpose. she's not even the homophobic transphobic type. but back to the point. she would anger me with stupid little things like making me go shopping for groceries and then sending me back there when i come back because she forgot to tell me to buy something. for example yesterday she started yelling at a whole tesco store at me because i said i don't want apples today and i don't know what i want for dinner. that wasn't even a eat your fruits thing she never forces me into that. then we came back she sent me out to go take out the trash so i put a hoodie on over a shirt (i wasnt wearing a bra and i'm insecure about all that and she was yelling at me so i acted fast) i put it on i took out the trash then came back and she started yelling at me about how its 30 degrees C and im wearing a hoodie and got angry thinking i'm cutting again or something. now i can't sleep at all because i'm scared she will try to check me for any cuts in my sleep. i don't cut but even though she's my mother i don't let her even give me a kiss. any contact disgusts me and now imagine your mother undressing you in your sleep. then there's the little things like LITTLE things that i get just as angry over. and i'm getting scared that i might end up killing her someday. i know i have trust and anger issues. i know ihave homicidal thoughts (what my suicidal thoughts turned into once i stopped harming myself). but i don't want to end up killing her. not for her but because i'm trying to live a life after 3 years of complete bullsh¡t. i get that she can have her own issues fine but I DONT TAKE MY OWN OUT ON HER. i can't breathe again? or i feel like dying? (bronchitis, asthma, hypoglycemia (no idk if i spelled all that right) I DONT BOTHER HER WITH IT I GO HELP MYSELF AS ALWAYS. i can't control my anger? i don't yell at her i even wait til shes out of the flat so i can punch the hell out of some sh¡t. and don't tell mr she's only overprotective. she's straight up abusing me. i am painting something so my desk is "a mess" (watercolours in a pan and a glass of water with two brushes) and she makes a huge scene about it. i'm watching something? same thing. i'm glancing at my phone? same. but let me go out? hell no. an overprotective parent that's worried about its' kid would do something if they dont want it to kill itself or something if they already know what's the problem. and she knows it's the dysphoria and her misgendering me 24/7 and making it worse. please tell me what you think about this.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ectoplasmLunatic: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty... & I don't know as there is much I can offer in the way of guidance. I will tell you that I am an older man who always felt as if I should have been female. Way back when I was young, the words "transgender" & "transsexual" hadn't even been coined yet. There were boys & there were girls. And if you didn't happen to fit into one of those 2 categories, you darned well kept it to yourself, if you knew what was good for you! As a result, I grew up hiding. And I'm still hiding to this day.

I also struggle with a lot of anger... even rage one might call it. I don't know if the anger / rage I feel inside is related to my being transgender or if it is a separate issue. I've also always struggled with depression, high levels of anxiety, & some OCD-like behaviors. I've self-harmed in the past & made several suicide attempts... two of them serious...

At this point in my life, I have been married for over 30 years. And, without going into a lot of detail as to why & how, I'll just say it has turned out I've ended up simply denying the real me for all of those years to the point where, now, it simply no longer matters. I'm just too old to worry about it. But I suspect that all of that hiding & denial has taken its toll. And perhaps that's at least part of the reason I'm SO ANGRY!

Perhaps it is something like this that is going on with you too? From what you wrote, it sounds like you're not hiding at this point. But you're not being acknowledged or supported either... in fact perhaps you're being punished. Under any circumstances, perhaps it is the case that what is going to need to happen here is for you to get out on your own, away from your mother, before anything can really change for you. I don't know if that is in any way a realistic possibility for you. But it may be what needs to happen. I know that getting away would be the only alternative for me. It's simply that, in my case, I've made the choice not to do it.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Fuzzybear]