[iloveplants]

Anytime my husband is passive-aggressive, or defensive (which is hard for him to see), I am triggered and end up in severe pain. I have started hitting myself, as a result, and am feeling more reactive, because my threshold for dealing with this for years, has diminished.

I don't know how to cope, right now. I try to tell him to leave me alone, but then he continues his passive-aggressive, hurtful rants, as he walks away, and he continues by insulting me, or projecting.

We don't have a couple's counselor, because he has not been to enough individual therapy, yet. We have an appointment scheduled. He asked how he could help my pain, right now (he calms down once I come to the point of tears), and I told him he could go and learn how NOT to be passive-aggressive.

This sucks.

[Michelea]

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Hopefully having an outside observer in couples therapy will help direct things in a more positive direction for both of you.

I do this when I'm upset and people use sarcasm. People don't seem to know when to stop, they push me and push me until I end up hitting or biting myself and then tell me I'm being manipulative when they literally wouldn't leave me alone and I had to get my feelings and stress from their annoyances somewhere.

I hope it gets better for me soon

[iloveplants]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

I do this when I'm upset and people use sarcasm. People don't seem to know when to stop, they push me and push me until I end up hitting or biting myself and then tell me I'm being manipulative when they literally wouldn't leave me alone and I had to get my feelings and stress from their annoyances somewhere.

I hope it gets better for me soon

Anna,

Thank you. Thank you for relating with me (though, sorry you do). That is definitely a huge similarity, and it's so difficult to deal with. I can tell my husband I feel he is "...kicking me when I am already down..." though he just continues and continues. I can't tolerate emotionally unavailable and defensive partners. It's exactly part of what I had to deal with growing up. It's so difficult to keep from responding in this way, these days, because I have met my threshold for dealing with these triggers. Nothing is changing on his part -- I work very hard on mine. He has triggers, too, though he is not as in-tune with himself, and is new to the concept. Either way, it is incredibly painful, and I hope you and I do not have to deal with this for the rest of our lives.

I have tried snapping a rubber band over my arm (to mimic pain). Hardly works. Hoping my husband just gets it at some point, and stops being relentless, stubborn, and insensitive.

[PianogirlPlays]

I also have been very reactive to my husband's words and actions. It does contribute to my struggle with hurtful behavior. It is upsetting and hard when I have spoken about things but things don't really change. This is a very hard way to be married. I get stuck and many of my painful thoughts are repetitive remembrances of hurtful moments. It makes me hurt even worse!