[mulan]

This evening I became sad by a "stupid" reason.
I don't know very well how the conversation started, but I was speaking with my mother about beating children. She was telling about a girl who missed behaved badly and some teachers were talking about how it would change her behavior if they were allowed to beat her.
I know it is very difficult to deal with a pupil that behaves badly. I guess no one knows the best method to stop it, or who's fold it is. I frequently hear my colleagues (medical students/doctors) saying how hitting a child could do wonders and how it is missing on nowadays children. But I don't know, I take it personally because while being I child I was beaten and it didn't anything but hurting me.
So when my mother used the argument children should sometimes be beaten, I argued against her, made it an argument about me and how I think she acted wrong when I was little.

Than at dinner she commented it to my father. And he said like I deserved it at the time, I was very stubborn, and he would totally do it again. All this sadness that I felt when a child came back. I felt I was mean and faulted, and remember how I used to feel sad and unloved and I guess I showed it, while being quiet, at the dinner table.
They noticed it and they acted how they used to do, dismissing my sadness, kinda mocking it (or so I felt). And they made me remember this memories also, and how they beated me at the time if I cried. It was so painful, being hurt and trying not to cry at the same time, feeling sad and afraid.
I don't know who, but someone, during this argument used the example of kindergarten my bitting my teacher to prove my behaviors deserved correction. I remember exactly why I bitten my teacher... Some older kids had mocked me and I was very sad, just right before school started. I wanted to be alone to cry and she hold me on her lap and wouldn't stop asking me why I was sad. I was not used to that, I felt it to be too invasive and I was ashamed. So I bite her so she could leave me alone and I could cry without anyone looking at me. I was five and I was already this damaged.

I am on that little girl shoes again. And I am writing this to find someone that cares and to take it out of my thoughts so I can feel better.

[mindwrench]

That is terrible, and I get why you feel that way. Believe me when I say you are not alone,and have every right to feel that way. I am so sorry for anybody that has to go through that as a child, or any age, and then have it mocked by the abusers as an adult.

Possible trigger:

When I see anyone striking a child in public, I yell "Hey" and stare at them to stop. I will physically intervene if they don't stop . It grinds my gears, and I go into a rage if I see somebody hurting a child.

In recent hears I overheard my mother recounting a bad dream she had to a friend on the phone.

Possible trigger:

She said she was babysitting a small child and it was misbehaving, and she was frustrated because she was having difficulty removing the child's diaper so she could whip it on bare skin with a flyswatter handle. That she couldn't inflict enough pain and she said it like it was normal and expected sympathy from her friend

. I felt sick to my stomach and betrayed. I have never called her out for her role in the abuse I received, but a cousin once did and she denied every bit of it and said it was all lies. Yet she recounted that dream!

She says her and my dad did the best they could and did the only way they knew how.

Possible trigger:

I guess they didn't know better than to beat their child till they are physically exhausted from swinging belts, whips, fists, or whatever else they happened to pick up, and not stop when I passed out from being unable to breathe, or had broken bones.

I am currently living at home again with my mother (my dad has passed).

You didn't say if you were visiting or living back at home or sorry if I missed that part. I hope you at least have some escape from this environment. I understand how it renews those feelings, and takes you back to when you were young.

[Elana05]

I'm sorry to hear this happened. No one should be mocked for crying. And children do not need to be hit to be disciplined.
The important thing to remember is that you are important and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

I can sympathize...

I try so hard to think about what my own kids will remember from their childhood. In a way, I have my parents to thank for this

I commented to my parents once that it didn't help to hit kids (they asked why I didn't hit mine...) I said it was very damaging. They said "but look how good you turned out"...

I swear I have such a dysfunctional family. I'm so glad we're not that involved with each other...