[Data]

I am feeling sad, removed from reality, and "burned out" emotionally - so I thought I'd have a rant here if that is ok.

Last night I had a dream. I left my wife and children and went to live in a squat. We were continually in fear of being discovered by the security guard and the others would not listen to me when I told them not to use lights. I befriended another man who was living on the floor in the room and we were physically intimate and I developed a sexual, loving relationship with him. Then the security guard saw me and there was a chase and we were all in trouble and in danger of splitting apart. I woke up quite disturbed because I am a married man and I don't normally find other men attractive.

Then work felt pointless today. I am a software developer. The other two people in the office don't really speak much and I often feel isolated. The company is chaotic and my boss is very disorganised and it stresses me out. One of the jobs I've been given is low priority and will take a long time and it is to change a computer program to cope with something that isn't that important anyway and only happens about once a year. Most of the things on my list I can't actually do, because my boss tells me he hasn't the time to make the decisions necessary for me to do the work. And the guy in charge of the company is an idiot. He sent me an email on Friday night saying "URGENT - REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ACTION" and my boss told me to ignore it! I look to work to give me job satisfaction and help distract from the pain inside. I have a good degree and a PhD... you'd think I'd manage to find that. But all I seem to get at work is more stress and anger building up inside of me.

Also this morning I was so bored that I went on the the internet and just discovered my birth mother. I was adopted in 1973 when I was a few days old. My natural mother married a guy who was not my father when I was about 6 months old. I have just found her on Facebook. I am curious and a part of me would like to contact her. But what happens when she finds out that my adoptive mother was strange and that I have developed into an emotionally unstable adult with a drinking problem? Will she feel guilty?

My son has been trying to get my attention this evening. He has autism and ADHD. This morning I found a large piece of bread in the garden and he admitted that last night he threw it out of the upstairs window as he did not like it. I have been ignoring him because I feel so sad inside and so stressed and I struggle to cope with him. I managed to lie down and speak to him for about 10 minutes but that was all I felt able to give and I feel as a father I wish I could give more.

I can't speak much to my wife because i am so sad that I just drag her down and then she gets angry with me.

I have been trying to control my drinking with some success. Between Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings I got through a bottle of bourbon, a bottle of vodka (700ml) and 1 can of lager.

On Monday evening I had 6 cans of lager. Tuesday evening was 5 cans of lager. Tonight I am aiming for 4 cans. I am not sure if I have the strength within me to do it though. I might end up on 5 cans. My wife has a lot of money worries, we can't afford to replace our worn out furniture and a lot of it is because of the money I spend on alcohol .

I am also obese. This morning I accidentally urinated on myself at work. I felt so embarrased, I sprayed cologne all over myself and I had to wash my clothes when I came home.

Right now, I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to.

The few positives in my mind about today are that I have helped my family and some people at work, which counts for something. I try and do the best I can every day but its so hard.

[Leyla]

hi there
are you seeking any help with your drinking, that would be a good place to start, than get some counselling.

when you are mentally, physcially and emotionally well than you are able to look after yourself and your family better.

things can get better, but you have to take those baby steps...

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your concerns, Data. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm glad to read that, in spite of these difficulties you are able to a few positives & to keep trying to do the best you can each day. This is to be celebrated!

Wow… youve been going through so much. Im sorry But i hope everything will be okay Know that PC is here to support you always
<<<huuugggsss>>>

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Data

I have been trying to control my drinking with some success...

I am not sure if I have the strength within me to do it though.

I began drinking for the effect at age 24 and drank safely for about two years before I began losing control over how much I drank. I later learned that is caused by a metabolic abnormality that only ever grows worse over time...and I would gladly share more about that and my overall recovery either here or privately if you might ever wish to hear it. I eventually arrived at a point where I could live neither with drinking nor without it, and there is where I began learning how to live in the face of everything else.

[Thunder Bow]

In the dream, that man was just a part of yourself, that you were interacting with.