[xRavenx]

I have a problem looking towards others to feel better about myself. When I fail to make the people I care about happy, I always ask, "What's wrong with me? I internalize things in romantic relationships, wondering why I am not enough. I always feel need to please everyone.

Does anyone else here struggle with 'people pleasing' tendencies? Any advice on how to work towards breaking this cycle?

[QueenCopper]

I struggle with this majorly. This is something that my therapist and I were working on because this kind of thinking has put my in some really bad situations. I am not sure how to fix it and I don't think I ever will because I am giving up on therapy. Hopefully someone will be able to be more help than I am to you. (((Hugs)))

If more people were like this the world would've been a brighter place.
Doing something for someone is one thing, but doing something for someone and feel good afterwards? That is a bonus for selflessness!

But know this - not everyone deserves being given something. What I can advice you is to recognize who deserves giving and who doesn't.
Thee worse someone makes you feel in general, the less giving they deserve.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

If more people were like this the world would've been a brighter place.
Doing something for someone is one thing, but doing something for someone and feel good afterwards? That is a bonus for selflessness!

But know this - not everyone deserves being given something. What I can advice you is to recognize who deserves giving and who doesn't.
Thee worse someone makes you feel in general, the less giving they deserve.

This is a good point. Sometimes I have a habit giving to the wrong people, because I make excuses for them: that they aren't capable of giving to the extent I do because of what's going on in their lives, but there needs to be give-and-take. I think I have some co-dependent tendencies though and wish to work on this. I have no idea why....but these patterns are tough to change.

Another advice I can give you is to see if there's anything you need.
Then you can work on asking others for help, as an exchange. It will both literally help you, and make you feel less "used".
If someone refuses, don't help them anymore.
If someone can't help you out, help them less.
If someone is willing to and is helping you, keep them.
If someone is willing but can't help you, let time tell.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I have a problem looking towards others to feel better about myself. When I fail to make the people I care about happy, I always ask, "What's wrong with me? I internalize things in romantic relationships, wondering why I am not enough. I always feel need to please everyone.

Does anyone else here struggle with 'people pleasing' tendencies? Any advice on how to work towards breaking this cycle?

I'm a people pleaser myself and I have placed myself in very bad predicaments because of it. I don't like to see people upset especially with me and I feel the need to help. I feel like I can help so I try and even when I try I still feel like i have done nothing.
It's funny that you say that because ever since I had sessions with my at I've been more aware of pleasing people even more than the norm for me. My grimness husband just passed at a very young age and lately I've been giving so much of myself and doing so much for her that I'm Almost losing myself. I went a little above and beyond today and I really shouldn't have because I've placed myself in a bad predicament so now I have to make things work for me.

i think that when we please people we lose ourselves a bit. It's important to make a mental note and remind ourselves that we count. Our happiness and opinions count. I'm thinking that we put everyone else first and ourselves last. I'm sure it's tied into our past. I guess we have to remember to place ourselves first and take care of ourselves in order for us to be able to help others when time comes. I've had to learn to say no and I'm getting better at it but I still fall for it.
I don't think it's fair for you to hold yourself liable for someone else's happiness. At a point like that try to accept that you've done the best you could do for someone.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I'm a people pleaser myself and I have placed myself in very bad predicaments because of it. I don't like to see people upset especially with me and I feel the need to help. I feel like I can help so I try and even when I try I still feel like i have done nothing.
It's funny that you say that because ever since I had sessions with my at I've been more aware of pleasing people even more than the norm for me. My grimness husband just passed at a very young age and lately I've been giving so much of myself and doing so much for her that I'm Almost losing myself. I went a little above and beyond today and I really shouldn't have because I've placed myself in a bad predicament so now I have to make things work for me.

i think that when we please people we lose ourselves a bit. It's important to make a mental note and remind ourselves that we count. Our happiness and opinions count. I'm thinking that we put everyone else first and ourselves last. I'm sure it's tied into our past. I guess we have to remember to place ourselves first and take care of ourselves in order for us to be able to help others when time comes. I've had to learn to say no and I'm getting better at it but I still fall for it.
I don't think it's fair for you to hold yourself liable for someone else's happiness. At a point like that try to accept that you've done the best you could do for someone.

(((Hugs))), I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with this. These issues are very challenging to work on. You are right, we do lose ourselves in the process and forget to take care of our own needs when we are always taking care of others. I've had some relationship experiences that might have affected me in this area. I'm sure that like you said, these issues come from the past somewhere. It should be an interesting topic to explore in therapy, but sometimes it takes time before my therapist can make assumptions based on my background, because it's not cut-and-dry. I don't like when therapists make leaps without knowing the whole story when it takes a while to understand my upbringing. It will take some digging.

I do need to give myself credit at times when I try my best. I guess I just like to see results and seek validation, but I know that's not how the world works all the time. I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I need to practice taking better care of myself, but when I attempt to do this, there seems to be backlash from others where they accuse me of not being there for them as much when I do make a change. I'll have to adopt the philosophy that you can't please everyone though. I still feel there's a need within me that's not being met....but I just can't figure out what it is.

[MickeyCheeky]

I struggle with this too..

[Leyla]

hi there
i used to try to please everyone too, i had a hard time saying no or speaking up for myself for fear they would end up not liking me anymore. NOT good way to live, you need to work on your selfesteem and loving yourself more. at the end of the day not everyone will like you, not everyone is like you.

as you get older and with more experience you will start to realize these things...

take care

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

(((Hugs))), I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with this. These issues are very challenging to work on. You are right, we do lose ourselves in the process and forget to take care of our own needs when we are always taking care of others. I've had some relationship experiences that might have affected me in this area. I'm sure that like you said, these issues come from the past somewhere. It should be an interesting topic to explore in therapy, but sometimes it takes time before my therapist can make assumptions based on my background, because it's not cut-and-dry. I don't like when therapists make leaps without knowing the whole story when it takes a while to understand my upbringing. It will take some digging.

I do need to give myself credit at times when I try my best. I guess I just like to see results and seek validation, but I know that's not how the world works all the time. I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I need to practice taking better care of myself, but when I attempt to do this, there seems to be backlash from others where they accuse me of not being there for them as much when I do make a change. I'll have to adopt the philosophy that you can't please everyone though. I still feel there's a need within me that's not being met....but I just can't figure out what it is.

Hugs to you as well. You are so right. It's something that should be discussed in depth in therapy and then worked on but it's true. These are one of this things that it's not just a simple discussion and it becomes an in depth topic where you have to look into the past. Some therapists are not willing to do so. I know mine said that there's so much that went on in my past that there wouldn't be anytime to cover it and so she basically skipped it. I still felt the need to process and address things but she thought it was too lengthy. I'm not sure why we were in such a rush being that she told me that my sessions were going to waste eventhough at the time i had unlimited sessions basically.
Now I'm not in session and dealing with theses issues along with others. For me it's a daily battle. I love to please others but most of the time it's not a win win situation. I give up time and effort and then somehow I end up losing towards the end in some fashion. It's a vicious cycle.
It's true that we can't please everyone. Unfortunately in certain cases it doesn't matter how Much you do and still others think that it's not enough of sub par. I guess we are looking for that validation but this is not the way.

[BLUEDOVE]

You are STILL trying to get approval/love from parents,
recognise this,and that you come first.

[avlady]

i have a problem with this too. it is something i learned from my mother.She is so selfless but i don't want to be that way anymore as people walk all over me because i don't have the right words or actions to work with. sometimes others will stick up for me and i feel 3 inches tall.