*** Venting ***

*** Trigger Warning: Negative Post ***

Every time I write something, I feel I lose something from my "value" because I expose myself with no real benefit. But keeping it to myself doesn't do any good to me, neither. On the contrary, I feel I'm choking if I don't let my thoughts and feelings out. Yesterday toward midnight I felt I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I wish I can do anything else instead to channel these feelings like reading. But I cannot focus, and I'm in a very low state to have the will power to force myself.

I'm extremely frustrated in my life. I feel I'm heading to a darker place as the days pass. I think I'm in a point of no return. I have very negative view of life. I no longer seek to be happy. Not a single thought makes me happy, literally speaking. I see the negative in everything. I think it's something good I have no wife and children. I don't want to bring anyone to my world and suffer because of me.

This life is nothing but a big illusion. Most people think it's something beautiful or at least worth living. They are delusional. But this is what it takes to live. They have to be. If people had my view of life, probably there wouldn't be humans. Animals live the moment. If they get hungry, they eat. Feel a danger, they run. No wonder why "Zebras don't get ulcer". We humans are different. We can imagine things. We know we will die. We live in worry and frustration in our minds all the time. We are very sensitive and emotional, but we don't get the proportionate attention and love, because we are intrinsically selfish. We need the things that we cannot get or give.

To me, life is a place of struggle and suffering. Just ask yourself these questions: how many years you were/have been happy in your life? How many hours you are happy during your day? It doesn't help me viewing life this way, I admit that, but it's so powerful that I'm paralyzed. I'm surviving because I also fear death. But what life is this when you have no urge to live but you fear death!! I feel stuck. The pain is inconceivable and unbearable, and all is purely mental.

I feel there is something wrong in my body, too. I feel there something doesn't belong there, but I always fight the idea of going to a doctor and get it checked. Today, there is a meetup meeting with a group I used to go to. But I'm fighting the idea of going so hard. I see no point. I haven't been out of my apartment since last Sunday. Haven't talked to anyone since I spoke with the cashier then a few words. Force myself to call my parents because probably they would be worried if I didn't call. But all of this is just pretending. I don't want to talk to them not because I don't like them, but because I don't want to talk to anyone.

Thanks for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok to talk about how you are feeling here. It sounds like you are depressed. Is that accurate? "it doesn't help me viewing life this way, I admit that, but it's so powerful that I'm paralyzed.". Bingo. I think you hit on something big here. Good insight.

Have you ever considered meditation as a tool to help you deal with life and overwhelming negative thoughts?

[Rose76]

I think they call what you are describing "existential depression." This may be small comfort, but I've read that this is more common in people of above average intelligence.

Unfortunately, you can't think your way out of this. And you probably are prone to thinking because you are probably good at thinking.

One thing I would recommend to you is to expose yourself to high quality thinking by high quality thinkers . . . read. Try reading the work of others who have posed the very questions you are raising. You're in very good company.

You won't find a cure, but you may find something to be interested in.

Probably it's depression, because depressed people see life more negatively, and I dare say, accurately, than those who don't have depression. But I think my depression is not existential in nature but rather consequential to other issues. At one hand, socializing with others bother me emotionally (I'm socially awkward/anxious, sensitive and despise fake conversations and don't like small talks) and intellectually (I don't get along with other people's way of thinking), but on the other hand, I crave the basic things other crave, like genuine connection, intimacy and love. The feelings of both socializing and being lonely are overwhelming to me. So, I feel I'm torn. Feeling isolated and the loneliness is the cause of my depression, at least in my analysis.

Being intelligent isn't necessarily something good, especially if it's way above average. Many great people (in the intellectual sense) were actually not happy in life if not miserable. I don't wish to be intelligent but alone and miserable.

I have read some of your posts and you have written many good things. More than once in my life, I have gotten really depressed. I have always been able to bounce back (though the last time I was depressed it lasted for years; it was very extreme).
Venting some of my feelings on here, really helped me with some of my depression. There are also some very kind people on this forum who sometimes simply send "how are you doing?" types of private messages so for me, it was beneficial to expose myself. As far as feeling like you are losing "value" because you have shared something about yourself, could this be a bit of paranoid thinking? One of the things that made my depression so deep was that while I am not at all psychotic, I did make assumptions about people being "out to get me." The only way I was able to get a handle on some of it was by working with my therapist.
I am sorry you feel so isolated. Yes, I think depression usually gets started (and is harder to overcome) because of isolation and/or other stresses we face that overwhelm us. At least you are not alone in the sense that many others at this forum are depressed, in part, due to isolation.
Do you work? Exercise? Go to therapy. I find that activities are helpful. I hope that something in this post might be encouraging to you.
PS I think that Rose76 is right. And I think I have seen a study or two (there was at least one I read about a year ago) showing that intelligent people experience more mental health issues than those of us who are just average. This makes sense to me.

I don't think I'm paranoid in the sense you described, but as I said, exposing myself and my feelings is something difficult to do. I feel I expose my inner self and become vulnerable. I don't do this in real life. In my mind I cannot help by hear others pitying if not judging me, by saying he is wasting his life thinking too much instead of living it, or he has just to do it or he doesn't want to live or something similar. No one says this directly, but we have the ability to predict what others might be thinking. I don't know if it's just me or we all think the same way.

I recently finished my job and looking for a new position. I don't exercise, not anymore. I've lost interest and motivation in almost everything I was doing.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I don't think I'm paranoid in the sense you described, but as I said, exposing myself and my feelings is something difficult to do. I feel I expose my inner self and become vulnerable. I don't do this in real life. In my mind I cannot help by hear others pitying if not judging me, by saying he is wasting his life thinking too much instead of living it, or he has just to do it or he doesn't want to live or something similar. No one says this directly, but we have the ability to predict what others might be thinking. I don't know if it's just me or we all think the same way.

I recently finished my job and looking for a new position. I don't exercise, not anymore. I've lost interest and motivation in almost everything I was doing.

Well it's realistic imo that people will judge, they may think pitying thoughts/kind or unkind. That's a given imo. We can't control that. What we can begin to control is how we feel about that - not always easy mind you.

It's a learning curve for me to shrug off others opinions - it really doesn't matter, I keep reminding myself that.

My opinion of you is that you are struggling right now, like many of us, but I do not pity you - I empathise hugely because I have felt pain too. I do not look down on you, I know how much bravery it took you to open up here and I admire that. That is my opinion of you for what it's worth.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I don't think I'm paranoid in the sense you described, but as I said, exposing myself and my feelings is something difficult to do. I feel I expose my inner self and become vulnerable. I don't do this in real life. In my mind I cannot help by hear others pitying if not judging me, by saying he is wasting his life thinking too much instead of living it, or he has just to do it or he doesn't want to live or something similar. No one says this directly, but we have the ability to predict what others might be thinking. I don't know if it's just me or we all think the same way.

Hi Mr. Stranger, my response to your post was only intended to help you and be supportive. The only reason I suggested meditation is because I have depression, and get severely depressed sometimes. Meditation, mindfulness, and zen readings have helped me immensely and I thought I'd share.

Also, I am wondering if you are not looking for advice, but validation and just someone to listen. Is that correct? That is not a problem, it just means i misunderstood.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this bad.. Do you see a therapist?

[Rose76]

I think you are very insightful and have hit the nail on the head. You are lonely, and loneliness - especially chronic loneliness - easily leads to depression.

I would also strongly agree that being intelligent has its downside. A lot of what intelligence makes you aware of are aspects of reality that are not happy. I read of a study that was done on the relationship between being realistic and being depressed. Initially, the reserchers were testing the hypothesis that depressed people have an unrealistically grim view of life. Well, that's not what was born out by the data they collected. They rated all the subjects of the study for mood, on a spectrum from depressed to optimistic. Additionally, they, in some manner or other, rated the study subjects for their tendency toward realistic thinking. They found a correlation. Truly realistic people are unlikely to fall into the category of being very optimistic in their outlook. Depressed people, by and large, rated higher in realistic thinking than optimistic people. One of the conclusions was that, if you want to be an optimist, it really helps to not be a highly realistic thinker. So there's some validation for you.

Getting back to the socialization issue. In life, there is a price for everything. That's an old saying, and, the longer I live, the more I find it to be true. Trying to put yourself out there socially does involve risk. You risk being bored by people and you risk being hurt. Of course, there is a price for sticking to a socially avoidant lifestyle. The price is loneliness, and you know how that feels.

I guess it boils down to which price you want to pay. You can't change the fact that, as a human being, you need human contact. We are social animals, and we wither inside without satisfying interaction. There is a catch. You can't get some satisfying interaction without putting up with some non-satisfying interaction. The non-satisfying interaction ranges from mildly annoying to dreadfully hurtful. Spend enough time around enough humans and you will experience that whole range. That's the price of full social participation. However, if you stick with it, you will mature emotionally. That means you will develop some armor over your sensitive soul. You will become more resilient in the face of interpersonal challenge. You will grow.

Seeing as how you don't like where you are at because isolation is resulting in depression, I would recommend you approach life differently from how you have been doing.

At times people will bore the p!$$ out of you. But, over time, you can learn how to shorten those encounters. Now and then you will be hurt, but you will discover that an occasional case of hurt feelings isn't the end of the world and won't kill you. Sometimes, it helps to just say, under your breathe: "Yeah, and screw you too." You can learn that you don't have to react to everything.

You can, with effort, change your vulnerability. You can't change the fact that you are hunan and need social interaction and a chance to find love and friendship. You are hard-wired to need warmth and affection. You can't change that.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hi Mr. Stranger, my response to your post was only intended to help you and be supportive. The only reason I suggested meditation is because I have depression, and get severely depressed sometimes. Meditation, mindfulness, and zen readings have helped me immensely and I thought I'd share.

Also, I am wondering if you are not looking for advice, but validation and just someone to listen. Is that correct? That is not a problem, it just means i misunderstood.

I appreciate all the responses of all kinds, validation or advice. What I wrote about opening up was a response to a question to why I feel I lose "value" or if I feel paranoid about it, it wasn't intended to any response written in this thread. I just described how I feel when I write in general, which maybe wrong, but I cannot help but think this way. Despite that fact I do write my feelings, because as I said, I feel I'm suffocated otherwise.

I think a major cause of all of this stems from the fact that I'm isolated. This distorts my mind and my thinking, and makes me angry and frustrated. And although many people confess that meditation helps them, I'm not sure how it will change my reality. I have troubling thoughts, but I'm not looking to accept my reality and come to terms with being alone the rest of my life. I crave human connections. In the past I was doing many things alone like reading at home and in public spaces, biking all day long, going out and walk in the parks, going to movies, going to meetup meetings ... etc, telling myself maybe if I do these things and make myself "available", something might change along the road by meeting some people. I was wrong. Nothing changed. Actually, I felt worse every time I did these things because all I could see is that people are living, but I'm not. I feel kind of hopeless as a result, but still not giving up completely.

However, I try using meditation when I get anxiety attacks to calm down. The problem with me even if I try meditation is that I cannot focus my mind on a focal point like breathing. Every time I do it I lose track and my mind wanders quickly. I have poor concentration capability in general. My mind will be in a hundred places at the same time. Maybe I need more practice. I think it helps a little, but not completely.

Thanks for your responses and suggestions. All are appreciated.

@Rose76: Thanks for your post. It contains a mixed of intellectual and emotional intelligence (obviously, I lack the latter), and I couldn't agree more with you. Conceptually, I understand that there is a price for everything. I lack the resilience you mentioned. I think I'm still fragile and not mature emotionally. I have a problem controlling my overwhelming emotions when socializing and being rejected or hurt. I haven't been sociable all my life, even as a kid. I was only connecting with my family members. Even then, I did that only when necessary. We were a closed (extended) family. So, I haven't developed this emotional resilience. My father was always protective of us (and critical), and didn't allow us to experience social life, because he was afraid that we would be exploited or hurt. I realize this is my issue mainly, because others seem to go about their social life despite being hurt sometimes. I try my best not to, but I hurt people in my life. I'm no saint.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

....I empathise hugely because I have felt pain too...

Thanks for your post. This is true. We feel the pain of others through our pain. But sometimes what we think others think of us isn't necessary the same as what we feel about others. Our mind is good in assuming the worst.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm sorry you feel this bad.. Do you see a therapist?

Not really. I'm not exactly a big fan of therapists and/or mediactions.

[Rose76]

Being pretty socially avoidant most of my life, I assumed other people had it together and were sailing through life way more successfully than me. Well, Stranger, what people project on the surface can be covering up a bigger mess than you would ever guess.

As I have gotten out there more and gotten to know more about people and been doing that for some years now, I have been astonished at how much dysfunction and insecurity goes on in their lives that they keep hidden. I know a young family whose facebook wall paints a beautiful picture of a totally normal, happy, American family. Through relatives, I'm privy to the real story that encompasses enough over-the-top screwball drama that would qualify them to be on The Jerry Springer Show. I always thought I was weird and odd. That may well be, but most people - when you get to know them - have an awful lot of strange crap going on in their lives. You and I are not as different as we might think we are. Specifically, there is an awful lot of immaturity driving an awful lot of behavior by a lot of people who might strike you as really having it together.

With experience, I think we can grow in resilience. Our basic temperment is hard-wired, after a certain age. I will always tend to over-react and go off the deep end when I get upset over an interpersonal episode that upsets my equilibrium. But I now know that the upset is transient. It will pass. I've also seen where people who hurt me went on to reap what they sowed. They ended up getting hurt themselves way worse than I ever would have wished on them.