[starryprince]

Hello all. I'm ashamed to write this here because I feel like it'll reflect badly on me but I don't know who to talk to about this.

How do you handle jealousy?

I have been through childhood sexual and emotional abuse and I'm still living with one of my abusers and have been for the past 22 years who is also homophobic and doesn't accept me (I am desperately looking for a job so I could save up and move out). I'm working hard on myself in therapy. I don't have many friends at all but I joined Meetup.com to get out of the house and meet people, and so far it's been okay. I also got back into online dating. When I tried it at first, many people said on their profiles that they didn't like black people or found them attractive and I got turned off from it (I'm black, haha). I haven't seen things like that since I started so good sign! I grew up in and am still in poverty, which is why I took my education very seriously and I am the youngest person in my family to get a masters degree. I suffer from depression and anxiety (such as social anxiety) but I see a therapist. I just need medication as I've been feeling dead all of the time. I've always struggled with romance (mainly because of the abuse). I have no one who understands me. I am currently in the beginning stages of my gender transition so I'm definitely alone with that. To top all of that off, I just lost my cat of 17 years last week and it's so hard to cope with losing her. Basically, things have always been a struggle for me and my family.

My friend, on the other hand, has a large group of friends, lives in a house, is middle class, has a girlfriend of 5 years (LDR) and things just work out for him. He is going through something now but he has his girlfriend. We've been friends for almost 4 years now.

He tells me about how much he misses his girlfriend and he is such a kind soul so I always listen to him. But these days my depression has been so bad and, while I listen and try to help him, there's a voice in my head that says, "What is he complaining about? He has a girlfriend, he has a job, he lives in a house, he's only taking ONE class". After years of listening to him, I'm beginning to get jealous and I feel horrible because I can imagine how difficult it must be, being with someone and having them live miles away. I was in a LDR but, of course, it ended horribly after a month. I just feel so envious.

How do I deal with this jealousy? I really hope I don't get flamed on here...I'm being very vulnerable by posting this. It took a lot out of me to show this ugly side of myself and I could really use compassionate yet honest advice...Thank you.

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't think you're a bad person.. I think it's normal to feel this way sometimes, if you're depressed and had a difficult past Does your friend know that you are depressed? If this thing bothers you so much, maybe you can talk with him about this, explain why it bothers you, and see how it goes from there Does this friend support you in some way?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I don't think you're a bad person.. I think it's normal to feel this way sometimes, if you're depressed and had a difficult past Does your friend know that you are depressed? If this thing bothers you so much, maybe you can talk with him about this, explain why it bothers you, and see how it goes from there Does this friend support you in some way?

Thanks so much for not thinking I'm a bad person. With the way I was raised (and am still being influenced) I always believe that if I had any negative feelings like jealousy or anger, then I'm a bad person. I feel ashamed of having those feelings.

Yea, my friend knows I suffer from depression and I actually spoke to him about this about a year ago. He said he understood but sometimes he gets really sad and he just has to talk about her, which I get. But now it just makes me feel awful.

Yea, he's very supportive! He's a bit simple, which isn't a bad thing, but he sometimes doesn't understand certain things and why some things aren't as easy as they appear. But he's great. That's why I always try to listen to him with any problem he has. But I've just been so depressed and lonely that it's been hard lately.

[hopeless2015]

Try not to beat yourself up to bad. You have a lot going on right now and we all have feeling of jealousy from time to time. It's good that you reached out here and don't be afraid to let your friend know that your struggling with depression right now, it sounds like you have a good friend and should be able to share your struggles as well, that's what friends do...they help each other out. Hugs to you!

[Trippin2.0]

You're not a terrible person, I've been in a similar position.

I actually needed to take a step back from my friend in order to preserve the friendship.

Another friend of mine, although an entirely different scenario, I had to set up a boundary and let her know we would not be *****ing about her bf anymore.

Try not to compare yourself to your friend, its one of the worst injustices you could do yourself.

PS. I wouldn't worry about getting flamed on PC, its a safe place, and should you happen to feel unsafe, the report button is very effective.