[Marylin]

So after yesterdays abusive incident when my narc sister got into my home without my permission or knowledge again and messed with my stuff,I am getting my emotions sorted.

I am my priority and since my mother has decided to deal with her cancer by having a hysterectomy I am not running round after her anymore buying her vitamins and cooking food to take her.It makes it easy for my sister and mum but means I have no time for myself again and get used.

I have to put my life first again which means no more telling my mother what I am getting up to cos then she feels she has a right to interfere and manipulate it into being about her.Whatever I do or buy for myself she wants it too and she wants me to run round arranging it for her.It gets stressful and emotionally it feels like my feelings and health don't matter cos I find myself giving all my time and energy to them ,my mother and sister even though I cut my sister out of my life,she still finds ways to use me and abuse me.

So to make myself free,healthy and at peace I have to put a distance between my mother and me cos both her and my sister feed off my news and she tells my sister everything about me and I reckon between them they figure out ways to manipulate me.

I feel stifled emotionally by my mother and she fosters dependency,she attempts to make me emotionally dependent on her.She has a point of never ever ringing me but making me feel guilty if I don't ring her and she likes me to ring her three times a day.It is like she has me trained and under her control.It is weird ,scary and I don't like it and I am angry with her,she uses my poverty to control me and uses money as bait to make me visit her and I end up being giving money by her and paying her back with my own money and giving her extra on top which means I lose my own money in the end.It is take,take,take with my mum and it is a big emotional investment being at her beck and call without any return.

The three months I cut her out of my life were brilliant last year.I am going to repeat that and keep her at a greater distance from now on.I am fed up of this control,it has been going on my whole life and has to stop.It is causing me emotional damage.

I can't go on like that anymore,it is a worrying,stressful existence,I don't want to exist I want to life,and to choose me,my life,do things myself and be self supporting financially.
I want total freedom.

I am not attached to them an extension of them I am a person in my own right,my feelings matter,my emotional health is important,I am not going to let them undermine it ever again.
Hopefully the lessons will be learnt this time finally and I won't make the same mistakes over again.it has taken a long time to realise I have the right to put myself and my emotional health first.
I am still sad that these two people who I was warned about by my dad,he said they would harm me,have still got power over me at my age.That has to end,I am to be free and secure and safe at last.

[MickeyCheeky]

I wish you good luck! You're absolutely right, your health is very important

[continuosly blue]

I know it's very hard but you have to stop LETTING them control you.
There has to be a balance to it all. If people sense an emotional weakness you will be taken advantage of. The emotional part of your brain will not let you take control of your life. Use your reasoning ability. That part of your mind that is more "realistic ". Just do what you feel comfortable doing and leave the rest.
You can't put $5 in the collection plate if you only have $2 in your pocket.

Good luck to you...

You owe it to yourself to look after your own needs. Never should doing so for someone else come at the cost of your own. I am so very impressed you are not only giving yourself the freedom to take charge but to also stand up for yourself.

If you get flack one solution may be to divy up taskings and responsibilities. The way to approach this is two fold. Arm yourself with a list; actually say 'I am/so-and-so is prepared to do one or the other, you choose and I/they will do the other task. Work your way through this list - which ought to be succinct and short. I did this as a new leader in a cafe that was a total schmozzle. It worked very well at dragging all staff into an equitable division of responsibilities.

[Marylin]

Thanks for all your supportive comments.I feel guilty though now cos I just found out my mum has her hysterectomy on Tuesday next week,I am also worried about her,she is 86 years old and it is a major operation.I have had a great deal of fear over my own biopsy results which showed abnormal cells,and also fear and worry over mum who has grade 2 womb cancer.

I have decided to start counselling a month early,instead of April,second week in March.I need to talk about all I have been through and am going through.Someone in real time who is on my side.

I won't be ok mood wise until mum's op is done and a success without complications and without her being in too much pain.
I have said I will visit her on Monday,she will be in hospital 3 days,I don't know if I can visit her in hospital,I will if I can.I will get texts off my narc sister letting me know the ward telephone number I can ring for visiting times etc
It is hard getting over abuse when it is ongoing,I came home last week and had left the indoor patio door lock open,then I found old toothbrushes that had never belonged to me in the bathroom cabinet,I suspect my narc sister let herself in my house again through the back door with my old keys.She has done it before.She will do anything she can to hurt me and upset me she still wants me dead.

It is one thing after another ,if it is not narc sister's abuse,it is mum manipulating me into running round after her,not meaning this latest thing of her having the operation,but in general that is what mum sees me as a slave to do her bidding,a spare, in case my sister lets her down.It has been that way my whole life if I don't set her straight she assumes I will do anything she asks me for her.If not trying to establish myself from those two it is some health issue or another,for years this has been happening.

I think this is a cycle I am sufferring due to me having repressed myself my whole life.I repress myself emotionally,sexually,creatively,it all builds up inside and i hold it in life a massive dam,stemming the flow,I should just let go and see what happens.

The book I bought on how physical illness is underneath an expression of emotions and pain in that area says my womb cancer expresses my feelings as a woman and daughter,masking shame,guilt,loos,grief in those areas.As a woman I have rarely expressed my sexuality,I never had the chance to be a mother though I reckon I would have chosen not to go down that route anyway.I am bisexual but I repressed that,too humiliated by men and angry at them to allow myself to love them or have sex and too much self hatred for my lesbian side to accept it and embrace it.

Good God I am 53 years old in March I should just let go of all that repression and self rejection and let others in ,let them love me.I want to,I plan to go out and meet people,usually I am short of money to pay myself for whatever event it is.Surely if I really wanted to and wasn't a coward I would find the money,though money is short recently,so much to pay for and not enough funds.It should be better come July so will make an effort then.
July is when I am due to have my next womb biopsy by the way.If I get the all clear I should break a barrier/taboo to celebrate.