[DechanDawa]

After not having my truck for over a month and getting a new engine it ran fine for a few weeks. Then last night white smoke was pouring from the exhaust pipe. I was close to home so parked it. It could be serious like a blown head casket or worse.

Okay. So today left a message to my mechanic that I want the truck towed to his shop tomorrow. Have to think of where to borrow money for repairs...

Today left an email to a counselor who is giving me phone support for CBT. Told her what was happening and that I was trying to practice CBT coping skills...but overall am worried because bad stuff keeps happening and I don't know for how long I can cope.

I feel like the sky is caving in on me. I got fired from a job after only one month. I live alone and have high anxiety and depression. Without a vehicle I can't look for work, and where I live the rent is too high and I have to move this summer. It is all too much.

Every time I try to stabilize something bad happens. Like losing the job. And the truck breaking down after I just poured thousands of dollars into it.

My health care and mental health care providers think it is best for me to use coping skills and to not do medication. I agree only in that I have had severe negative effects with psych meds.

I took suicidal ideation "off the table" a month ago. I felt it was a detrimental way to think.

What happens in my life is one life crisis after another. In between each crisis I feel completed depleted of energy, almost depressed.

I have been trying to change but bad things keep happening.

My life has been full of these crisis but I notice that now things don't seem to improve and I also don't seem to bounce back. Well, I do bounce back but then wham I get hit with something else. I am treading water and not really swimming.

Today I decided not to call crisis hotlines because they will ask a bunch of questions and no I don't feel a danger to myself, and yes I know immediate coping techniques.

[Skeezyks]

Wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. If healing thoughts could cross the miles & make things better, mine would fly to your aid...

[DechanDawa]

Thankyou dear Skeezyks! I was having a major anxiety attack when I wrote this.

My mechanic called me. He said it was very cold last night and condensation was probably making it look like a big bad smoky thing coming out of my tailpipe...but it was nothing. He told me to take the truck out today in warmer weather to convince myself.

I didn't want to because of my anxiety and being frightened. But I trust my mechanic. He is the sweetest and best mechanic.

So I took Little Red Rider out. At first she puffed some smoke but gradually it stopped. I went in town to buy beer because I intend to drink tonight. Had a nice talk with the clerk about Mexico and tequilla. I bought stout.

On the way back I took a country road and my truck performed well. I truck had an engine switched out and another put in so it is like she had a major transplant. I have been driving her for 20 plus years which is way too long for any vehicle.

I breathed a little easier and realized I had a major anxiety attack today that lasted about four hours. I have to do something. My moods are like a roller coaster. On no meds!!!

I realize I need to learn how to manage anxiety. Today was a terrible example of thoughts and emotions completely taking over. I definitely need to find a CBT coach.