So angry...can't keep it in...

I've always had a short fuse and hot temper. Over the years I've gotten good at avoiding things that piss me off, and isolating to self-soothe when I DO get mad. But ever since I went off meds in December, the rage has gotten worse.

Like right now. I don't know why I got so mad, I'm just very frustrated and stressed with being unemployed. I live in a small farm town with limited job opportunities. Unfortunately I'm living with my parents cause, at the brink of bankruptcy, it's either here or homelessness. My car was repossessed yesterday, now I can't leave the house unless I'm willing to walk in the snow and cold.

I can't imagine getting a "customer service" job, which means my options are slim to none. No matter what, I can't do anything until I get a new car. Fortunately (for once) I'm getting a decent tax return so I'll be able to start car shopping soon.

Then what? Bag groceries with teenagers for minimum wage? My rage scares me. I'm so afraid that someone will set me off at work and I'll get into a fight, end up in either hospital or prison.

I'm waiting to hear from Obamacare, so far it's been weeks of false alarms and "we need more information" letters. I'm so !@#$%^&* aggravated I can't even describe it. I know I need a new PDoc and T, and back on meds. But until I get health insurance, I can't do anything.

So...where do I go from here? Even after I start meds again, it could take up to 6 weeks or more to get back to where I was before. How the hell am I gonna keep a job when my mood swings are so... violent and disorienting?? A few people have suggested I look into SSI/SSDI. I've worked for the last 6 years straight and my medical records would probably make me qualify.

But for now, I'm just locked in my bedroom 20/24 hours a day, trying to keep my head together. I know it's all in my head, which just makes it worse! As soon as I realize my emotions are irrational, I launch in the opposite direction and start beating myself up! So I swing from seeing-red-blood-boiling to... "I hate myself and just wish life were over already".

I can't keep up with my own mood swings. I'm lost and exhausted and honestly very close to just giving up. I don't even know what that would look like, but I can promise it wouldn't be pretty. I've had my struggles with alcoholism and painkillers, I don't wanna go back down that road.

What do I do??

Push yourself to go for walks each day. Dress up and walk in the snow and cold. Walking often makes me feel good.

Why not apply for SSI/SSDI? It will give you something to do. If you get it; it will give you time to stabilize and regroup. You sound like you are just unable to work because you have gone through stress/trauma that has triggered some mental issues. You can slowly get this behind you. Your life will eventually get better. To apply, you will need to get copies of all your medical records. Using them, you can apply on line using the diagnosis and diagnosis codes that are documented in your records. The only initial cost is gathering the records. Then they will ask you a few further questions and schedule you for an appointment with a regular doctor and psychologist. Other than coming up with transportation to get to those appointments, you may be able to do the rest from home. I also like the idea of finding ways to exercise as well. You need to find a physical outlet for some of your anger. Good luck--you are in a tough situation.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling.I've read that screaming or using some sort of "punching bag" (an object where you can reserve your anger for) can help. Maybe it's stupid, I don't know, have you tried?

Take care