Torn by jealousy

After a pretty bad episode with my father (over text) last weekend, I've been reading, researching and reaching out for support quite extensively all week. My next therapist appointment is only on the 21st of March so I needed to find ways to stay sane until then. I've gone through several different emotions, psychoanalyzed all sorts of thoughts and obsessively tried out several self-help exercises every day since. It's really helped me stay as calm as I could be and make sure I didn't have any severe depressive episodes or anxiety attacks.

I woke up this morning thinking maybe I am a little too preoccupied with my mental health and decided that today I wouldn't psychoanalyze myself but instead do something I enjoyed. I couldn't sleep too long so I was up before 7 and spent the morning writing some fiction. After that, I couldn't really think of much else I wanted to do but I've just been relaxing, watching mindless TV and trying to avoid any introspection or excessive thinking. It was working well...in fact, I was even beginning to think I may be a little bored and probably would think of going back to work when my current leave ends.

And then my friend texted extremely happy and bouncy. I usually wait for his first text every day so that I can talk to him and tell him everything I have been doing to help myself. He makes me feel like I am doing good job and supports me a great deal. So I really look forward to it. Today when I asked him what he was so happy about, he told me he had booked tickets to go back home during his favorite time of the year and was absolutely over-the-moon about it! Usually, I'd say "I'm happy for you!" because I really love it when he's happy but after all my analysis the last few days, I've realized I need to pause, listen to what my body is saying, what feeling is associated to that and express how I truly feel...and not what I am expected to say.

I did that...

And I realized I was feeling annoyed at his chirpiness. I was annoyed because I was jealous that he gets to go home...that he has something to get excited and happy about...that he has something to look forward to.

I feel terrible for feeling like this. I was honest with him and I'm fortunate enough that he is understanding; but I don't know how to feel okay with my own jealousy.

This is also making me realize why I do so much better when I am alone and not surrounded by people. When I used to be at work, hearing my manager and colleagues talk about their parents, kids and family makes me so sad. And I keep having to say "Oh, that's really sweet!" "Oh, that's so wonderful!" "That's great!" but I mean none of it. I wish I never had to hear how happy others are. I wish I had what they had. Having to accept that I'll never have what they have breaks my heart...and when I try not to be upset, I get angry and I just hate all of them.

I feel so alone.

But how am I supposed to connect with another soul if I can't participate in their stories and life.

You fell in to the trap of comparing yourself to others. That is a sure short cut to feeling bad about yourself. You got some good things going for yourself already.

I'm really sorry you feel this way Not sure if I can relate or not. Maybe you can bring thit thing up to your therapist when you see him/her?

Oh thank you!! Yes...that's what it is! Thank you thank you!

It's really odd! I already know that I should not compare myself to others and I have a mental note of it and everything; but when I felt that jealousy and started thinking of all the things I am not capable of doing because of my jealousy I went down a spiral. After that I just could not see that it was the comparing that was making it happen. All I could think was "they all need to stop rubbing it in my face!"

Ok great!! That really helps! Thanks so much!

Sometimes I really don't understand how I am meant to apply all these things as soon as things come up. I guess it's like cultivating a habit...

...as I said, you got some good things going for yourself already. Work on knowing and trusting yourself.