[DechanDawa]

I don't have a regular counselor. A psychologist from my health care provider calls me every week or two weeks for about 20 minutes. She treats me like I have "mild" depression but I feel like I have "severe" depression.

She said I have "victim mentality" and need to turn things around in my life.

This psychologist has me practicing CBT on my own.

Apparently this counselor thinks I am getting better. She told me I need to "empower" myself. She makes it sound like all I need to do is flip on some kind of empowerment switch.

However, I still wake up every single morning with suicidal ideation.

Last evening - after two days of very high anxiety - I messaged a suicide prevention crisis hotline. The trained person and I chatted online for almost 30 minutes. They asked me a lot of questions and in the end determined that I was "doing very well" and doing everything "right" in order to recover. There it was again! Someone treating me like I have mild depression when I feel like I have life threatening depression and anxiety.

I don't get it. If I am doing better why don't I feel better?

These professionals keep treating me like I have mild depression.

I feel like I am always on the verge of a major breakdown.

Yet, according to the experts I am doing "everything right."

Do the professionals see something I am not seeing???

Am I really improving but I just don't see it??? Is this possible???

I would like to think that maybe I am getting better and I just don't see it. Maybe one day the pancake will flip.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, I think it is possible that you're starting to do everything that is necessary to get better.. but to see the effects of that you'll need more time, perhpas? I'm not sure But no matter what, regardless of what other people say, your feelings must be always taken into consideration.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Well, I think it is possible that you're starting to do everything that is necessary to get better.. but to see the effects of that you'll need more time, perhpas? I'm not sure But no matter what, regardless of what other people say, your feelings must be always taken into consideration.

Thank you for this. Maybe I need to validate my own emotions. I guess now I feel frustrated. But maybe I am also being a little impatient. Thank you, sweetie, for reminding me to be patient.

I'm wondering if it is because you are so articulate, that is certainly how you come across here, that they aren't flagging you up as being more severe?

I remember when I was in labour being left a long time for 'observation', me being me I kept a lid on my reaction to pain - it was only when the auxilliary served me breakfast (yes I'm not kidding) that I finally doubled over and shouted. Suddenly everyone rushed around and paid me a lot of attention.

I remember the midwife seemed annoyed with me "Why didn't you tell us you were in so much pain?" The thing was I had told them, but I had done so in such a controlled calm manner they didn't read it as being that severe, they were used to more shouting and screaming I guess. I've always been rather restrained so that wasn't me.

I'm just wondering if you are coming across to them as articulate, 'in control', I don't know if that's the case but maybe something you might want to consider. The thing is you can be articulate and seemingly in control but that can be misleading, even to health professionals. If you need to shout then please make sure you shout!

I am sorry you are feeling this way right now and send hugs your way

[DechanDawa]

[quote=prefabsprout;5583856]I'm wondering if it is because you are so articulate, that is certainly how you come across here, that they aren't flagging you up as being more severe?

I remember when I was in labour being left a long time for 'observation', me being me I kept a lid on my reaction to pain - it was only when the auxilliary served me breakfast (yes I'm not kidding) that I finally doubled over and shouted. Suddenly everyone rushed around and paid me a lot of attention.

I remember the midwife seemed annoyed with me "Why didn't you tell us you were in so much pain?" The thing was I had told them, but I had done so in such a controlled calm manner they didn't read it as being that severe, they were used to more shouting and screaming I guess. I've always been rather restrained so that wasn't me.



I can relate to the labor thing. When I was in labor my ex was complaining about being hungry and I felt guilty I forgot to pack sandwiches! Yes! I did not shout to him to go out and get some fast food (take away) and shut up! I don't remember much yelling. After giving birth I went into the shower and cried a bit and that was it. Labor without medication hurts!

Life without medication also hurts.

I did contact friends and family. I also described on here how one family member told me to just go kill myself already. So I guess I learned from my family of origin that shouting for help doesn't really work.

But you might be onto something with the control thing. I hate to be out-of-control and right now everything in my life seems to be out-of-control.

Someone in the world commits suicide every 15 minutes. I find that a shocking statistic. Emergencies are being missed.

I don't know. Maybe I could shout out a bit more.