[it'sgrowtime]

Lately, for a few reasons, I've been struggling emotionally. It seems that I don't like expressing emotion about things I can't change. Instead, Ive been holding it inside where it shreds my body and then makes its way to my thoughts and stability.

I feel I have a well of tears to cry, but they don't come. I don't know what to cry for. I want to cry for my mother, but she abandoned me and my family a year ago, so I feel it's not "deserved." I want to cry for her sickness, but she insists its me with the problem; as her child, I somehow believe her, plus I feel so upset, it's easy to believe there is something wrong with me. I want to cry for the lost connection, but I recognize it was unhealthy. I can cry that I no longer have a mother in my life, despite the many more years she will likely live. I could text and say I love her, but I would probably have a heart attack...also it seems that she doesn't love me, even though she claims to. I'm not sure how to feel about her. Did we ever have real love?

Just writing the above, I felt my tears dry up...and anger move in. I have suppressed rage as well. Some things she said to me...

It must be the time of year...one year since I gave an ultimatum. She walked the other way kicking and screaming. She chose the dangerous person who hurt my child, yet said it is me she is afraid of. It's makes me believe I'm a bad person, who not even a mother can love. It makes me think I have things all wrong, because she told me I do (screamed it). I want to believe the things she tells me..I am persuaded by her outbursts and threats. It's true I was making her crazy, because I was telling the truth; yet, she says its because it's lies.

I suppose its frightening and frustrating and worthy of grief. I guess I'm still trying to process what happened. I miss feeling happy.

[MickeyCheeky]

(((it'sgrowtime))) I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. It must be a really hard relationship for you..

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

(((it'sgrowtime))) I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. It must be a really hard relationship for you..

Thank you, so much Mickeycheeky

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. It's not you....it's your mother. Don't let her hang that on you. She made poor choices and walked away. There is nothing wrong with you. The rage you feel is valid and when the tears do come, they will be valid as well. I feel the pain in your message and I am so sorry for that. Can you hold on to the positive things that you do have in your life? I'm here if you need to talk.

[Thunder Bow]

Sorry your Mother did not give you the parenting you needed when you were a child. Realize she may not be able to give the parenting you wish for now. Best to accept that and move on.

[Hobbit House]

I agree with the above posts... as much as your mother may have hurt you, the problem is with her. NOT YOU! It may be difficult to go through but you and your child deserve to be safe. Good luck to you!

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. It's not you....it's your mother. Don't let her hang that on you. She made poor choices and walked away. There is nothing wrong with you. The rage you feel is valid and when the tears do come, they will be valid as well. I feel the pain in your message and I am so sorry for that. Can you hold on to the positive things that you do have in your life? I'm here if you need to talk.

Thank you. Ive reread your post a few times. The feelings in this situation are so heavy. It skews my thoughts. Yes, I need to focus on the positives.

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Sorry your Mother did not give you the parenting you needed when you were a child. Realize she may not be able to give the parenting you wish for now. Best to accept that and move on.

Thank you. Yes, I want to accept that. I still have contradicting thoughts/feelings that seem to make it difficult to finish the job.

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Hobbit House

I agree with the above posts... as much as your mother may have hurt you, the problem is with her. NOT YOU! It may be difficult to go through but you and your child deserve to be safe. Good luck to you!

Thank you! Without a doubt, my love for my children trumps all! That fact has guided me in the right direction. I stumble a lot with fear and self doubt, but I aim to be courageous, confident, and joyful.