This is the hardest thing I have ever said. I didnt find a thread about this so i guess its not a normal problem so im actually a freak show. No one knows this. I doubt even my sister does. Even I forgot it and suddently remembered days ago. We have a 6 yo difference, me being the oldest sister. This happened maybe when I was 9-10, maybe 11! I don't remember how long but I think it was for a while. But I dont know, maybe months... I dont have the time clear. Somehow this disappeared from my brain, maybe because I couldn't deal with this. I had a feeling we did something, but I had a nightmare the other niht and suddently remember more things. I can't even write this quickly its so hard I just want to die I don't deserve to be alive.

Possible trigger:

I think we messed with being one on top of the other doing movements (of course i started it) and I basically got down on her and rubbed myself against her thigh. I remember one day I was like: try it! (for her to go down on me), but she didnt like it and i didnt say anything more (BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE OPPOSITE: me being very insistent for her to do it or even forcing her i dont know if i could trust my brain im so ****ed up i deserve to die. I didn't know exactly what sex was until when I was 9 and a half, but I thought it was just between men and women. I didnt know oral sex existed or any other thing. Later, i somehow began to understand, I freaked out and was like: I NEED TO STOP THIS. In general, I think I was like: lets do it! and she was like: okayyy (like she didnt mind but that doesnt count because she was a CHILD and she didnt know anything)

Also, I liked when she sucked my ear and I would tell her to do it but she always laughed about it or was like: okayyyy. And as for her, the MOST important person in this story: she doesn't seem to remember anything! except for the ear thing. She sometimes jokes about how I loved having my ears licked And I'd be like: thats... true (i didnt even remember that). She doesnt have any problems (shes a bit competitive over grades but I think thats her personality) and we have a normal and very close sibling relationship. Shes happy and normal. But I remember and I just want this to end. I can't tell this to anyone else because I'm sure I will feel worse. Right now, I dont have the force to commit suicide but I want to disappear suddently. If god exists I should be going to hell.

Has someone heard of something like this? The worst thing is that I cant find myself to talk to her like before because I'm so ashamed of what I did and she just DOESNT KNOW. And I dont care our relationship stops working because she should hate me and she will be happier if im not in her life, Its so ****ed up what i did and the worst thing is that i didnt know or maybe my brain locked itself so that i didnt have to suffer this remorse but its too late now. I wish I had died before i did that.

Now I'm 20 and I can't stop feeling nauseous even thinking about this. I vomited 3 times tonight and I can't tell anyone why. I think I may have told her not to tell mom and dad so MAYBE I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. IM A MONSTER I CANNOT KEEP LIVING AND DISGRACE MY LOVED ONES EVEN MORE. Now what if i actually did a lot more to her and dont remember? Im so afraid, i want this to end! I want to start a bad relationship and someone to treat me so badly and hurt me. Its what i deserve: to live in misery.

You can't understand even in my worst nightmares would I have lived something like this. I suddently don't know myself I had a perfect life: My family is caring and amazing, im in college and everything was fine but now I no longer exist.

[Sunflower123]

You need to get into therapy about this immediately. You need to talk it through and where to go from here and whether it would be more beneficial to your sister to apologize or if it could harm her. You also need to tend to your own emotional needs. It's very brave to talk about this subject and that is the first step to recovery. As much as you can please try to damper down the emotional negativity and guilt. It did happen and you can't change it but you can start addressing this. Good luck and best wishes.

[possum220]

You are not a monster. Both of you were innocent children.The fact that you feel sick about it ten years later is an indication that you may be a highly sensitive person. Sounds like she thought it was a game. Nothing more.

As Jennifer has said talking to another person is part of your own healing. Talking to a therapist gives us a way to get another perspective.

When I was 8 I was guilt ridden for years when I lied to my parents about an accident I had. I apologized to them and did tell them the truth but when I did do that she said that I had already told them what had happened. The guilt about that lie made me sick to my stomach.

Maybe there is something else going on inside your mind that is compounding this event. Please get help.

[Open Eyes]

monsterhell,

This is not something you should get suicidal about. At this age children do not really understand and they discover themselves and that it feels good. You are looking back on this with a lot more knowledge then you had then so you must not condemn yourself so much. We are designed to be sexual by nature as nature itself is about procreation. It is normal to discover this part of ourselves and some discover this at surprisingly young ages too without really knowing what it means. You are just human and not evil or bad.

[Mysocalledlifehere]

My niece is 6 years younger than me.

Possible trigger:

When I was around 11 I for some reason knew how to play with my clit til I'd cum. I tried to show her how bc I wanted her to feel the same pleasure.

She didn't even remember. I asked her last year. She laughed. Don't stress

[pachyderm]

We are all human.

[eskielover]

Some things happen in childhood that we realize later were wrong. You didn't continue pushing her to do what you wanted. Real abusive people don't stop their abuse for usually a long time & most times have no feeling of wrong doing at any time.

You learned from that experience....when something happens in our past that seems like abuse that isn't ongoing it's ok to write it off as child curiosity....but it would help to work through all your thoughts & emotions regarding this in therapy

[divine1966]

I don't think what you described is that unusual or monstrous. Kids try things. But do see a therapist and talk about it and go from there.