always

i feel always invalidated, not listened to, always manipulated and guilt tripped.

i told my T about my issues at work and she now wants to talk to my boss and to the lady teaching me the job (she already knows them both). i know she only wants to help me, but i cant help but taking the message that she doesnt trust what i say and wants some other people to tell her the "truth". she even wants me to take a practical test to "prove me" im wrong and theres nothing wrong with me and its all only in my head. i feel extremely invalidated since this is not at all the first time i feel invalidated by her. why doesnt she trust me? why doesnt she listen to me and choses to believe some other people? the same people who tried to encourage me not to give up by invalidating what i feel.... why nobody believes me? why nobody listens to me and always have a different version of the story? their perception is totally wrong!!!!

the other T i saw 2 months ago also didnt listen to me and only picked up a few issues i told him about and left unheard the main ones. does he think that by not talking about some subjects they dont exist??? does he think this helps me? he only sees me a couple of times a year but still.... i was used to better.

then theres my mom... im tired of her needing me emotionally close. im tired. i want space. and when i take it, she gets hurt and offended so i feel guilty and end up talking to her even if i dont feel like it. i think shes getting old and one day i'll regret not having been closer to her but i NEED space. and my T instead agrees with my mom. i dont even quite understand what my mom wants from me? talking? but i do talk to her! i tell her anything worth to be told. what is it that she wants from me? my T said she wants connection. well, nobody gets what *I* want? why are their feelings more important than mine?

and then i see my mom hurt, depressed, and i feel guilty. i know she tries to leave me alone, but still i KNOW what she truly wants. and when she steps back a little, im afraid shes mad at me and i make a step torwards her and i see her happy and it makes me feel so manipulated!

this other guy... got mad cause i said something he didnt expect or want from me and gave me the silent treatment. im used to that... but it doesnt feel right either.

i know none of them make any of this on purpose, but it hurts me. and i feel that talking changes nothing since they all believe what they want to believe and they dont really listen to me!

i feel better off alone.... tonight my friend asked me if im ready for a new relationship and i couldnt believe what she was asking me. i stuttered something like "you... you... are asking me.... if im... ready to.... stay with a....?" i couldnt even finish the sentence. she said "yes, with a guy!" and i said "why? i feel so good alone!!!". until then i had not realized how good im feeling without guys around! and the only thought of it terrifies me! being alone for the rest of my life all of a sudden doesnt scare me anymore....

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You're validated here. I think it might be a good idea to get a new therapist who validates you. Sending big hugs.