Mess in my head

Over-thinking is the monster that produces the darkness within me. Eloquent, I know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. And it’s just ****ing depressing, as usual. Why do I care if someone reads this and judges my writing? Why do I care if my friends judge me? Why do I care? Did they manipulate me on purpose, or without meaning to? Emotionally abuse me? Just like everyone else in my family who’s been hurt and hurt people? When you give your opinion and your sister just angrily shouts back at you and it’s normal because that’s apparently how it was in the household, and it’s a normal part of you but your boyfriend and the rest of your friends whom you cherish think otherwise and chastise you for it because they are hurt by you? When you state your thoughts and you are judged for being cringeworthy, extra sensitive, angry, hot-tempered, ‘wtf is your problem’ ***** kinda way? When you are judged for being ‘overdramatic’. Insane. Spoiled. When every single time you are judged and judged and judged and different people tell you different things and everyone doesn’t like you for who you are because you are angsty. When you try your best to communicate, when you try your best to keep it in, when you keep your resentment for fear of being judged, when your feelings are invalidated over and over, misunderstood, tossed, no one gives a tiny bit damn…and you’re still judged hard as hell for the slightest action you do. And you’re blamed for crying, showing emotion, weak as ****, for existing. Trapped in the net of people’s self-hate. A victim of emotional abuse by everyone. Invisible pain.

Forgive me for my existence. I’m sorry. I didn’t ask to be born I tried my best. I really did. I swear. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings. I’m so sorry for hurting your friends. I’m sorry for bringing it up. I’m sorry for talking. I’m sorry for keeping quiet and not taking the initiative. I’m sorry for being angry. I’m sorry for caring. I’m sorry for being sympathetic when you didn’t want anyone to be. I’m sorry for being angry at everything and everyone. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for what I didn’t do. I’m sorry for moving on. I’m sorry for not moving on. I’m sorry for being an attention seeker. I’m sorry if I seem spoiled or too sensitive or cringeworthy. I’m just sorry for everything in my sorry existence.

I’m easily triggered to think about suicide. It’s so easy to kill myself. It really is. But if I do, I’m sorry in advance if you become traumatized by my suicide. I’m sorry if I hurt you by killing myself. I’m sorry if your life is ruined by my taking my life. I’m sorry if you heard the news about my suicide and it tainted your reputation. I’m sorry if the news of my suicide wasted your time that day. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and it’s annoying af.

Thank you for reading if you did. I needed a place to rant that didn't involve people who are currently in my life. I feel slightly better after that. It's like a poison has seeped out of me.

I hope you did feel better getting this out. Maybe change whom you are around? If you are of adult age, you have every right to move on to a new stage in yourself, a better life away from this. Cliche or not, the only person you can change is you. If you're doing what you know is right, don't worry about them.
As for suicide, I don't believe that solves anything even though the thoughts to do so are still very present within myself. I believe we advance as a universe only as the beings within the universe advance their lives and ways of thinking. If I kill myself, I set the universe back another step, and it would be wrong for everything.
I hope you can get to a better place, and find safety and peace

Wow SorryShaped. Great response!! I concur. I hope venting helped you feel better. If it did, vent away. Sending big hugs.

that was a very well said rant. I've had those feelings and they suck! I hope you feel better for saying it. Please get in a safe place. Screw those who would not care if you hurt yourself. You deserve to have a life.

I'm glad venting here was helpful

I thought your venting was beautiful, I like all your complex emotions and thoughts, the depths and ways they dance. Now, I would like to know, what is going on in your daily life, if we can help you with that part. Recently, I was tossing and turning, and thought it would be the night I actually went mad. I made it through the night, and the emotion of anger came to me. Here I was thinking I was being all selfless and sweet. And under the anger, was the thought that I hadn't been enough to help my son ask for help in his addiction, and behind that was facing he had never felt me there loving him. From now on, I am going to admit what I'm angry about and what I am secretly wishing for.

Post says:

I have feelings, you don't want to hear about how I feel, your message has always been that of "go away if you have to feel". Built up emotions to the point of needing to rant.

Then the sorry's. Sorry for what? Being human?

If the people around you don't listen and constantly blame to the point where you contemplate suicide, it's time to walk away from these individuals.

A lot of members/people can relate.