[kismetie]

Okay so hey guys, this post is more me trying to sort out my thoughts than really asking for advice but feel free to leave some anyway or just comment what you're feeling!

So at my last session with my T the question "What is holding me back/What am I afraid of?" came up and while I was trying to answer it, I noticed I steadily had to refocus myself to answer the question and to remain calm.

Not because I tend to freak out and lose it or because my T had asked me to try having some self control but because I totally hate feeling like I'm not in control of myself and feel like expressing my emotions leaves me open and vulnerable.

So there I was, in a session, pushing down this steadily rising feeling of energy that was beginning to turn into panic as I tried to answer an equally simple but loaded question.

It became apparent to me (and not for the first time) that I have this completely unrealistic and huge fear of just well everything.

In a jumble of words I told my T how I feel like if I do something, anything, then I'd be basically condemned.

There's like this overwhelming looming threat crowding around me that makes me feel like if I try to do anything that I'm going to mess it up immediately. And it's terrifying.

I feel like I'm going to be immediately punished for speaking my mind and being my own person and I have this HUGE fear or rejection, abandonment, and judgment all mixed together as one.

As I sat there talking to my T, I began to feel all this nervous energy buzzing inside of me from my anxiety and began tapping my fingers together and then shoving them under my thighs to hide the fact that I was moments away from having tremors in my hands and then I started bouncing my leg only to cross them and stop myself from bouncing on the d*mn couch.

All this because I'm afraid to let out what I'm feeling and honestly don't know how. This all happened involuntary and as a defense mechanism. I've been shoving my feelings down for so long and dissociating from them that I don't know how to react to them when I feel them now.

Because if I try and acknowledge one, then all of them are flooding forward and trying to rush through and then my mind is short-circuiting and shutting down, going blank, because it's all just so overwhelming.

And I'm just afraid because I can for a split second feel all of it, like it's behind a closed door and I don't know what's going to happen once it's opened all the way. Because there's no way of stopping it all from all coming out at the same time. ANd, I won't be in control. I won't know how I'll react. And that's super f*cking scary to even think about.

I'm afraid I might just break. Be rang out.

My T has offered me to explore this route as when I'm in her office it is supposed to be my "safe place" but I don't know if I can handle it. I'm just supposed to completely break down and open myself up like that to just wipe my face and leave afterwards to go back outside to the "real world?"

I'm not even really saying I'm open to it but if I were, I'd much rather me be somewhere where I can have some time to recuperate afterwards (I've mentioned in my other posts how I'd like to go to a rehab center for mood disorders).

And well crap, everything is just so overwhelming isn't it? Even though I'm disconnected from my deep emotions and feelings there are still some things I feel (all of which are negative). Depression, anxiety, annoyance, shame, guilt, confusion, nothingness.

I'm basically afraid all the time and never have any idea as to what the hell I'm doing with my life *sigh*

[Shazerac]

Letting go and letting feelings out can be terrifying. But the fear of it can be worse than the actual release.

The rehab thing sounds interesting. Or maybe you could ask your T if there is an empty office or meeting room that you could go to after the session to calm down and compose yourself.

[Sunflower123]

The rehab idea does sound good. When you start opening that door it may feel like a dam broke but eventually will stabilize with the help of your therapist so it will be more manageable. Good luck.

[Thunder Bow]

Doing therapy like that takes courage. You are on the right track.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi There,look up 'Neuroscience',and/or get a book on it.
You would be able to work with yourself,your mind,and
your feelings. Which of your parents modeled no feelings
to you? I ask,because I have 4 children who are like you,
and they took after their mother. We are divorced,and the
children will not speak to me,because they know I am the
one who feels . . .and loves. Would you be afraid of being
loved? I can't tell you the pain I've endured through this.
At least you are making an effort,I think my kids are literally terrified of feelings,is that how you feel? I would be
very grateful if you would message me to help me understand,it may help me to avoid making mistakes if I
can write to them,as what may seem normal to me,might
seem repulsive to them.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE