I am struggling right now. I can't cope with my emotions much longer. I am feeling a lot of anger, fear, and loneliness.

To start with, my step father, the only family member that I had left which I felt close to, passed away last week. I have a thread about this in the grief forum. I am also moving out to a new apartment that I am fully paying for on my own for the first time soon. The current apartment that I am staying in was being payed for by grant that I was on for youths ages 16-25 with mental health issues that made under $16,000 per year. The grant wears off next month, which means that I will be fully responsible for my own living expenses for the first time in my life. I am also a full time college student and an employee now, when I couldn't even find and hold down a job 6 months ago.

Everything is so new to me and I am terrified. I am scared of screwing up because I know that I have nobody to help me anymore if I lose everything. My step father is gone and I have no family left aside from a homeless uncle and a cousin that's in prison. I have nobody else left to bail me out of my screw ups and I have nobody to talk to aside from people on this forum when I'm lonely or hurting. I am also afraid of doing bad in school and losing my work study job and grant disbursements that I am dependent on to pay my living expenses. I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to find another job if I lost this one because I still struggle with job interviewing and what not and I know that if my survival became threatened, I would become emotionally unstable like what always happens to me when I am put under a lot of stress and become reckless (having the warrior gene can be a curse sometimes).

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I am scared of losing everything that I've worked so hard for up to this point. I have already started falling behind in my studies and had to drop a class. Right now, I can't even do a basic HTML and CSS class right, despite normally being adept with technology related stuff because I am so emotionally overwhelmed. I haven't been studying enough at home because I am so desperate to escape from how much that I'm hurting that I have been binge watching anime and gaming when I'm at home and not sleeping instead of studying and taking care of myself. I have been living off of Monster energy drinks all week and drinking coffee by the pot because caffeine helps me escape from feeling sad and hopeless for a time.

I can't take the pain anymore. I am sick of hurting. If I will hurt like this for a long time, than I want out of life. I have this grand idea of having myself cyropreserved so that maybe I can be revived one day when life isn't so painful. I have had thoughts of scamming some big corporations to pay the hefty cyropreservation bill and then killing myself so that I can hopefully be revived one day when humanity evolves somehow and life is less painful and overwhelming. I have all of these grand ideas of future science and technology fixing humanities problems and enhancing people's quality of life which have been the only reason why I have cared enough about life to keep fighting. I am at the point now though to where I'm ready to accept that I'm not good enough to make an impact on the world because I am so emotionally fragile due to the hell I've been through and by the time I can improve my emotional state (if such a thing is possible), I will be too old and people won't care about me anymore. Plus, if reviving cyropreserved people isn't possible in the future, than I recon that being dead would be better than hurting the way I am.

And no, I am not going to do anything crazy yet. This post is more of a pathetic cry for help than anything. Still though, I do entertain such thoughts.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I am struggling right now. I can't cope with my emotions much longer. I am feeling a lot of anger, fear, and loneliness.

To start with, my step father, the only family member that I had left which I felt close to, passed away last week. I have a thread about this in the grief forum. I am also moving out to a new apartment that I am fully paying for on my own for the first time soon. The current apartment that I am staying in was being payed for by grant that I was on for youths ages 16-25 with mental health issues that made under $16,000 per year. The grant wears off next month, which means that I will be fully responsible for my own living expenses for the first time in my life. I am also a full time college student and an employee now, when I couldn't even find and hold down a job 6 months ago.

Everything is so new to me and I am terrified. I am scared of screwing up because I know that I have nobody to help me anymore if I lose everything. My step father is gone and I have no family left aside from a homeless uncle and a cousin that's in prison. I have nobody else left to bail me out of my screw ups and I have nobody to talk to aside from people on this forum when I'm lonely or hurting. I am also afraid of doing bad in school and losing my work study job and grant disbursements that I am dependent on to pay my living expenses. I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to find another job if I lost this one because I still struggle with job interviewing and what not and I know that if my survival became threatened, I would become emotionally unstable like what always happens to me when I am put under a lot of stress and become reckless (having the warrior gene can be a curse sometimes).

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I am scared of losing everything that I've worked so hard for up to this point. I have already started falling behind in my studies and had to drop a class. Right now, I can't even do a basic HTML and CSS class right, despite normally being adept with technology related stuff because I am so emotionally overwhelmed. I haven't been studying enough at home because I am so desperate to escape from how much that I'm hurting that I have been binge watching anime and gaming when I'm at home and not sleeping instead of studying and taking care of myself. I have been living off of Monster energy drinks all week and drinking coffee by the pot because caffeine helps me escape from feeling sad and hopeless for a time.

I can't take the pain anymore. I am sick of hurting. If I will hurt like this for a long time, than I want out of life. I have this grand idea of having myself cyropreserved so that maybe I can be revived one day when life isn't so painful. I have had thoughts of scamming some big corporations to pay the hefty cyropreservation bill and then killing myself so that I can hopefully be revived one day when humanity evolves somehow and life is less painful and overwhelming. I have all of these grand ideas of future science and technology fixing humanities problems and enhancing people's quality of life which have been the only reason why I have cared enough about life to keep fighting. I am at the point now though to where I'm ready to accept that I'm not good enough to make an impact on the world because I am so emotionally fragile due to the hell I've been through and by the time I can improve my emotional state (if such a thing is possible), I will be too old and people won't care about me anymore. Plus, if reviving cyropreserved people isn't possible in the future, than I recon that being dead would be better than hurting the way I am.

And no, I am not going to do anything crazy yet. This post is more of a pathetic cry for help than anything. Still though, I do entertain such thoughts.

You really have a lot going on. The commute time, school, work, moving. Don't be hard on yourself. There really aren't a lot of people who could do what you're doing under the best of circumstances.

When do you move into your new apartment? It should be pretty soon. I'm hoping that will make things easier for you. That would also be a good time to try to set up a schedule for yourself where you commit to studying a certain amount of time each day. For me, when I was in college, I got up very early in the morning, put coffee on and would study and work on assignments 2 to 3 hours. It worked well for me. I also spent a lot of my time between classes in the library.

It's good that you are reaching out on here. You know we are all routing for you!

[divine1966]

It does sound so overwhelming. I know you can pull through. I understand the extreme stress and am trying to think of strategies. I'll think of something and post a bit later when off work. Hugs

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I am scared of screwing up because I know that I have nobody to help me anymore if I lose everything. .

You cannot look at it that way. You need to look at it as a learning opportunity. If you come at it that way you are less likely to mess up. A few years ago I had a test that was important for my career. The pressure was intense. I could lose everything if I failed. But I decided I would take the test looking it as a practice run. And that helped me to be calm and I did pass the test.

Right now is the most painful part of your life. But as things go on they will get better. You will make friends, you will get better jobs. I know because it happened to me. My family was there but I absolutely would not ask them for help. Frankly they wouldn't give it to me. It was a bad time in my 20s and 30s but I have recovered nicely.

Take one day at a time.

Also, seriously you are a great writer and you should consider opening a go fund me thing and just honestly state how desperate things are for you. If you think people won't give, your wrong. I have seen people get money for things like "help me harass my ex-girlfiend". You have nothing to lose.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

You cannot look at it that way. You need to look at it as a learning opportunity. If you come at it that way you are less likely to mess up. A few years ago I had a test that was important for my career. The pressure was intense. I could lose everything if I failed. But I decided I would take the test looking it as a practice run. And that helped me to be calm and I did pass the test.

Right now is the most painful part of your life. But as things go on they will get better. You will make friends, you will get better jobs. I know because it happened to me. My family was there but I absolutely would not ask them for help. Frankly they wouldn't give it to me. It was a bad time in my 20s and 30s but I have recovered nicely.

Take one day at a time.

Also, seriously you are a great writer and you should consider opening a go fund me thing and just honestly state how desperate things are for you. If you think people won't give, your wrong. I have seen people get money for things like "help me harass my ex-girlfiend". You have nothing to lose.

Honestly, I will strongly consider the Go Fund Me thing as a backup plan at this point. Right now, I'm not in that great of a need for money though.

I have to go ride the bus up to school today to take a test that I didn't aptly prepare for. I have to take a programming test on the computer and today is the last day that I can do it. I am struggling with depression right now and I couldn't sleep last night and I am tired and miserable. It doesn't help that the professor decided to change the due date on this test from the 30th to the 23rd at the last freaking moment.

Honestly, I am probably going to fail this class anyways. I would rather just stay home and sleep at this point instead of struggle with the buses today only to fight a battle that I cannot win.

I can't cope with all of this right now. I just want to stay home and play games. I can't be expected to handle all of this at once when I have struggled most of my life.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Honestly, I am probably going to fail this class anyways. I would rather just stay home and sleep at this point instead of struggle with the buses today only to fight a battle that I cannot win.

I definitely think you should tell him about your step dad. If you are like me you probably would rather cut your head off than "show weakness" but sometimes you get dealt some bad hands and the only good that can come out of them is the compassion of others. If you do take the test... good luck. It is one test. If you don't do well tell your professor about your step dad and ask for a redo.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I definitely think you should tell him about your step dad. If you are like me you probably would rather cut your head off than "show weakness" but sometimes you get dealt some bad hands and the only good that can come out of them is the compassion of others. If you do take the test... good luck. It is one test. If you don't do well tell your professor about your step dad and ask for a redo.

I sucked it up and went to take the test. I got a 79 out of 150 points. I didn't do my best work but at least a 79 is better than a 0. I did learn though that I need to put a lot more work into writing CSS because I suck at CSS still apparently. I'm not even going to bother asking for a retake at this point because the professor specifically said no retakes.

I'm just going to put more time into studying and strive to do better in the future. At least I have 2 more major tests coming up along with my final so I will have ample opportunity to recover. Plus, I am confident that I can ace the final because it requires me to write a basic web site that compares two things. Because I already know what to expect, I should have no excuse not to get a perfect grade on it.

I just need to get that move done so I can stop stressing over transportation and be able to devote more time to studying without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe then my emotional state will improve somewhat.

[Open Eyes]

Darkness,
You have learned something important. You learned that you "can" move forward even when you are so stressed. You have a challenge with anticipation anxiety and you are slowly finding out that you "can" accomplish something even though you feel anxious about it. Just so you know, this is something a lot of first year college students struggle with until they slowly adjust to learning and figuring things out. You know what, some of the best and successful performers experience terrible stage fright and have to figure out how to work around that problem. That is very similar to what you have been describing.

You did well, you got a 79 even though you had so much worry. Good for you!! See how you feel now, more confident? That's what comes from making gains, you are learning and we only learn by doing. Each time you make progress you will gain something very important. This is how we slowly learn to thrive on our own.

Just wanted to lend you my support and hugs. I know this is a very rough time, but I'm encouraged by your recent post. I'm rooting for you!!!!

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You did well, you got a 79 even though you had so much worry. Good for you!! See how you feel now, more confident? That's what comes from making gains, you are learning and we only learn by doing. Each time you make progress you will gain something very important. This is how we slowly learn to thrive on our own.

A 79 out of 150 is hardly what I would consider well. It still is better than the 0 I would have gotten if I stayed home today like I wanted to.

Screw this, I am ordering some pizza and playing my game most of the weekend.

I only have to write one paper and I'm set on homework until next week.

I need to destress for the sake of my mental health.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

A 79 out of 150 is hardly what I would consider well. It still is better than the 0 I would have gotten if I stayed home today like I wanted to.

Yes, that's right your effort got you something instead of nothing. So, you did not get it perfect but you worked it out, pushed yourself forward despite feeling like hiding and avoiding instead. You did really good with that part it's definitely a good step forward.

[divine1966]

Hang in there. Don't give up.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I sucked it up and went to take the test. I got a 79 out of 150 points. I didn't do my best work but at least a 79 is better than a 0. I did learn though that I need to put a lot more work into writing CSS because I suck at CSS still apparently. I'm not even going to bother asking for a retake at this point because the professor specifically said no retakes.

I'm just going to put more time into studying and strive to do better in the future. At least I have 2 more major tests coming up along with my final so I will have ample opportunity to recover. Plus, I am confident that I can ace the final because it requires me to write a basic web site that compares two things. Because I already know what to expect, I should have no excuse not to get a perfect grade on it.

I just need to get that move done so I can stop stressing over transportation and be able to devote more time to studying without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe then my emotional state will improve somewhat.

Darkness -- I am rated at advanced level on css. If you have any questions about it that I can help with, please reach out, but give me a couple days to respond since I generally only check in during the morning. I would love to be able to help you with this. PM me with messages.

[reb569]

Also here are a couple of online css resources:

https://www.w3schools.com/css/default.asp
https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/CSS

The w3schools site is written more user friendly and has editors built into each page so that you can try different things out. The mozilla site is more techy. Is considered the best css resource outside of the W3C itself. Either of these sites may help you build your css skills.

Originally Posted by reb569

Also here are a couple of online css resources:

https://www.w3schools.com/css/default.asp
https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/CSS

The w3schools site is written more user friendly and has editors built into each page so that you can try different things out. The mozilla site is more techy. Is considered the best css resource outside of the W3C itself. Either of these sites may help you build your css skills.

Thanks.

I will take some time to mess with those today.

The problem that I had is that I didn't put a lot of time into studying. CSS doesn't seem difficult at first glance but anything could be made difficult if you don't put work into improving.

I won't be able to B.S my way through this class like I did with some of my classes back when I went to trade school for computer support. I knew a lot about computer hardware and operating systems because I built and modded gaming rigs as a hobby. I don't have as much exposure to web/software development so I will have to put more work into learning.

Lesson learned.

[reb569]

The wcschools site also has quizzes so you can check your knowledge. Good luck Darkness. Let me know if you come across something you need help with.

[Cheriwalsh7]

I know that you're in a difficult situations right now, you should make friends and connect with other people to feel you better and feel not alone. I know being alone in life is a very difficult thing.

[Sunflower123]

Good for you!!! The 79 score is not the point. The point is that you got yourself to class and took it. That's big progress. You have a lot on your plate and are getting overwhelmed. Take good care of yourself and give yourself credit and a pat on the back. Take baby steps towards your goals. You already are.

Everyone deserves a day(s) of relaxation every now and then. Enjoy your gaming and pizza.