[Erecura]

I feel extremely low. It's been about a month since I've been feeling pretty bad. It started as the deadline for my university work came closer, so eventually I thought it was caused just by the stress. But now I've finished the work, I'm waiting for my grades and I've been looking for my first job...and it's getting much, moch worse.

I've just been feeling so useless and worthless. I don't trust my abilities, my skills and I fear that I won't ever be good enough for the future I hope for. I just generally feel very bad about myself.
There's a lot of inner pain inside of me, like somebody would stick an invisible knife in me. That pain is combined with feeling of anger and restlesness. It went to the point, when I feel physically sick, like I could vomit any time.
I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone and I can't concentrate on one task for longer than 5 minutes.
I've been mean and rude to people I care about, only because everything is a trigger for me. Either to feel hurt and cry, or to get angry and yell at people for no obvious reason.
Most of my day I just listen to depressing music and think about how my life sucks at every point. I usually drink wine to smooth the negative feelings, but I feel ****** for that as well, I know I can't do this to my body all the time.

The other fun thing is... All of the past memories, even those I've pushed into the background of my mind a long time ago, they all came back. All the bad ones about being bullied, or humiliated, they just run through my head, even those that happen 10 years ago and I go through them over and over. They come in flashes and I can't control them. I usually even end up shaking my head or making weird faces when they come and if there are people around me, they look at me like I'm crazy.

I've also been having nightmares or I wake up scared and disoriented in the middle of the night.

I've been thinking about suicide, but I had also had existential anxiety and it's changed my views on death a lot. The fact is that I don't know if I could do it. I'm a coward and I fear the pain and suffering. I also attempted suicide 7 years ago and I know how disgusting and painful the process of dying can be. I'm not sure if I can go through it one more time.

So I'm stuck... I feel totally ******, but I'm not sure if I could ever really kill myself. I just really don't know what to do...

[Sunflower123]

Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist? That would be helpful. Do you have a therapist? That would be helpful as well. Between the two, you should be able to come up with a game plan to give you relief. Sending big hugs.

As Jennifer suggested, perhaps it's time - if you haven't already - to be evaluated possibly for depression by a psych doctor and to talk to a therapist. I am not a professional and cannot diagnose, but it seems like depression to me.

I am sorry you are going through this, but these things can really help. You may need to be put on medication (if you are not already?), which will help you to focus better and to be more productive and energized. It won't resolve the depressed feelings and sad/horrible memories -- therapy can help to address those. ((((Hugs))))

[Erecura]

@Jennifer 1967 and @golden_eve, thank you for the answers. I don't know if a month is long enough time to officially call it depression. I still think it might be just a period that would eventually go away. I feel better today.
It's been 2 years since my last visit at a psychiatrist office. I suffered existencial anxiety and panic attacks, but I told my psychiatrist about getting better and I stopped the medicine. He adviced me to go to therapy, I went for about half a year, but it didn't work for me...
The first therapist I got was just extremely expensive, the second one told me my issues were to abstract for her and adviced me to see someone else and that one didn't fit me at all, but I used to go there for half a year anyway just to give it a proper chance. I couldn't talk to him at all.

[Thunder Bow]

Depression can make it difficult to talk to a therapist. You had rough past, and need to talk to a therapist about it. There is no quick fix.

[Fuzzybear]