I think I just need to get these thoughts down on paper, so to speak.

I was about to go to bed just now, but I found a notebook in my closet from 2002, when I was in college. I looked through it, and was taken aback by how incredibly happy I was back then.

I mean, I've always been aware that things got complicated for my mental health after some incidents in 2008, but I guess I sort of forgot that I used to be completely content, at peace, and satisfied with my life in the early 00's. I dealt with general anxiety as a kid and teenager, but for 4 glorious years after high school, things were absolutely perfect. I know a lot of people feel like these are the best years of their lives, so I'm not exactly alone in this feeling. But reading through my thoughts from September 2002, and comparing them to the thoughts I have now, makes me feel like I don't even know that person. He is completely alien to me.

I've made a lot of progress accepting things as they are, and managing my anxiety and depression. I don't usually dwell on the past much. But, at this moment, I can't help mourning the life I feel like I lost.

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Thanks for listening.

[Sunflower123]

I empathize with you. The person I was before the illness was a driven, overachieving, take life by the tail, confident person with a full, busy life and social life. I miss her and there are times I mourn her because I'm just not the same person post illness. I'm sorry you are feeling that way. You're not alone.

Your post has inspired me though to see if I can set some goals for the "new" me so that a few years from now I can look back with fondness and pride. Thank you. Sending big hugs.

I know the feeling. My life completely changed after 2014 when I had a mental breakdown, was hearing voices then was hospitalized, twice. I felt I was ruined after that. But I have come to terms with this illness (whatever it is that I have), and I have to accept it.

We can still have feelings of contentment, peace and happiness after mental health issues interfere, I do believe. We may not be able to retrieve all that we had in the past, but acceptance is key to being able to move forward with a sense of peace. And it sounds like you have come to a place of acceptance and are not dwelling, which is great. You may feel the loss, but there is much more happiness to be had in the future, too, if you look at it that way and seek out all the various ways to still be happy. ****hugs****

[Gus1234U]

i can totally relate~! after 25 yrs, i am finally becoming a person i can respect again. i still have many 'impairments', and times of happiness are brief and rare, but at least i have the self-respect that comes from working continually to be a better person, more compassionate, less competitive, and finding meaning to my life.

i hope you, and everyone, find(s) what is needed to feel at peace with the changes that steal, like a thief in the night, into our lives and alter them forever.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

We can still have feelings of contentment, peace and happiness after mental health issues interfere, I do believe.

Thank you. You are right. It's all about what we can do now, and working with what we have, instead of beating ourselves up for not being the ideal person we think we should be.

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

Thank you. You are right. It's all about what we can do now, and working with what we have, instead of beating ourselves up for not being the ideal person we think we should be.

Exactly, you got it!!!

[Patagonia]

I like this post. Makes me think. I can't understand thinking about the past too, but when I do it I throw my feelings into it...& I can't do that. I just have to remember that, that person was really me. Not the me now.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Sorry Bjornen, that's sad.

I can't say I really do that. But only because I've never really had a blissful time. I've been very happy. But the further I got away from my childhood, the better I got.

So I've had to be quite clear-eyed about myself. I know that diaries from even my happiest times (if I had them) would be full of struggle and pain.

There's a saying... or it might be a quote by a writer...

"The older I get, the better-looking I used to be."

I'm going off on a tangent. That isn't your situation. You seem like a lovely person now. Keep looking forward.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

But, at this moment, I can't help mourning the life I feel like I lost.

This notion/idea of a 'younger self' exists only as a mental concept - which your physical mind currently identifies with and perceives as 'real' (having value/substance/relevance)...

There isn't any actual substance behind that thought-form and identification, though. Once you eventually make yourself aware of this, you will no longer feel like you've lost something - instead you will feel like you've gained something (awareness/knowledge).

Think about it... Who/How you perceive yourself to be has never actually been a fixed 'thing'... Your physical body itself is constantly changing and has been since birth. Your mental/emotional state is never a fixed 'thing' either. Thoughts and emotions coming and going - but never have any permanent presence within your state of consciousness. Your external life circumstances are constantly changing as well and have also never been fixed/constant.

This is why it's ultimately futile to strongly identify with one's physical appearance, race, social/economic status, professional status/reputation, external life circumstances, etc. (making a 'sense of self' out of this)... These aspects of the human experience don't last and have no staying power (permanence) . Sure it feels normal/natural to identify with these thought-forms for a period of time - but inevitably 'life' will lead you to a place where you have to let go of those attachments and identifications - and will prove to be liberating (freeing)... An opportunity for evolving (increasing one's state of awareness).

Perhaps there is something about your present life experience which is undesirable to you, overwhelming, and/or burdensome. Since you haven't figured out yet how to feel differently in response to your present life experience/circumstances (and this an be accomplished!) - your physical mind tries to cope by influencing your state of consciousness to identify with the imagined 'younger self' thought-form which represents a time in your life experience where whatever current conditions you are presently experiencing were non-existent... It's like an extremely temporary and superficial sense of 'release' that one might get from imagining and consciously reconnecting with an earlier version of one's 'self that was perceived to exist without one's current burdens/afflictions/hardships being present. I believe this is why people can and do enjoy the experiences of feeling 'nostaligia' so much... Things which remind them of an earlier time in their life experience. When they experience those nostaligic feelings, it's like they are temporarily 'disconnecting' from their current state/condition (and perceived sense of self). So they experience a very short-lived sense of relief/release... Does this ring true for you?

You can mourn the perceived 'loss' of your 'younger self' - until you reach the point where you realize that that concept (thought-form) did not really hae the substance/value that you once believed it to hold. And that very well may be the purpose behind you going through this experience now. To bring you to that important awareness and understanding. This feels real for now, and the sense 'loss' feels real for now. It's real for you until you bring yourself to a state where you have moved beyond thinking and perceiving (and identifying) in this manner - and then it's looked upon as unreal (illusory). To experience the sense of 'loss' is what it takes to push a individual in the direction of cultivating that important state of awareness, which will prove to transform your life experience...