[socksbaby]

before i tell my story i am going to warn you that in reading this you will likely be very quick to judge, and that i am very aware that i have made mistakes and i know the consequences... i should also say that i'm 17 years old and diagnosed with ADHD which partially explains my impulsive actions. anyway.
last summer, when i was 16, i was raped by an acquaintance. i didn't tell anybody for months, and the first people i told was a small group of classmates at a retreat. i never had any intention of telling my close friends or family. after i was raped, i didn't think about it a lot, i was still happy, i was still more or less the same mentally and emotionally as i had been before the rape.
in february, i began dating a boy from my school. i genuinely loved him. a month later we broke up because he said "he didn't know what he wanted". my heart was truly broken and this was when i first began to feel depression set in. now i've been broken up with before this but what i experienced with this breakup was something else. i cried everyday, i cried in school and when i saw him. when school ended, i thought since i would get a break from seeing my ex everyday, i would feel a lot better. unfortunately, summer brought an even worse nightmare. my parents had searched my phone one night and read my text messages discussing my rape. they immediately confronted me about it and i started therapy. they started taking my phone every night and searching it, reading through my text messages and questioning every interaction with a male i had on text or social media, they looked through my safari search history and through my camera roll. i also felt incredibly isolated during the summer because my friends were all working or on vacation and i was just at home all day. i still had feelings for my ex, despite not having seen or talked to him in a month. in august i thought things were looking up because i got a job. my ex started to talk to me again, saying that he still loved me but he didn't want to be with me. in august was when i started to meet guys online. the first time i was just hanging out with a guy, but he wanted to hook up and i was attracted to him so we had sex. in the months of september to november was when this **** started to get really bad. i would meet up with guys on tinder, sometimes intending to have sex, sometimes not, but i would almost always end up having sex with them. i would sneak out at night and take the train to wherever they were, and as time progressed i started taking ubers at night. my parents were pretty clueless about this for a couple of months. this was what i thought was a high point for me because i felt it to be liberating. when i was with these guys i thought i was over my ex and i was finally happy. i never developed feelings for any of them (there was around 6 or 7 i met up with and 2 that i consistently hooked up with) but a couple of them i considered to be good friends. i also started smoking weed almost everyday and doing dabs and drinking. my antics were over one morning at 5 am i was coming home in an uber and my mom saw it and thought it was a car for her so she opened up the uber door and saw me in the car. she was really traumatized by this and i know she still doesnt trust me (this happened in november) after that i stopped sneaking out and i pretty much cut off contact to all the guys i was hooking up with. i took a break from drugs and alcohol and i told myself i would make healthier choices and be happier. i've been trying to pursue a relationship with this one guy who told me he liked me but i get the vibe that he only wants to hook up. i lost my wallet this week. yesterday my friend told me that there's a rumor going around about me. it happens to be true. someone from my retreat group blabbed that i was raped.

i still cry over my ex because he's the only guy who's been genuine with me and not wanted sex. no guy i've been with since him has treated me well at all. we're ok friends now but i don't think he wants me. i feel like i have no one. i'm so ****ing lonely and i regret everything i've done. i started ritalin and seroquel for ADHD in october and ever since i've been taking them i experience depersonalization occasionally and i just feel generally weird. some days i feel like i'm high even if i haven't smoked. i'm sorry if that sounds really weird it's the only way i know to describe this. i have friends and family who are here for me but they don't really understand what i'm going through. i get the same old **** "things are going to get better" when my life has been hell since march. nothing has gotten better. therapy helps for an hour but after i leave i feel ****ing lonely again. i'm sick of feeling this way. i'm just starting to lose all hope.

[Skeezyks]

Hello socks: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time in your young life. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. By the way... there's no judgement here. I'm old. But I still have at least vague memories of what it was like to be 17 & some of the things I did so many years ago. (Sadly, in my case, it didn't end there. The bad choices continued well into my adult years.)

Anyway... what I want to say here is... the people in your life who are telling you it will get better are at least partially right. It may not be accurate to say they will get better. But it would be accurate to say they can get better. You can make it happen. And the good thing about your present situation is you have some understanding of what your circumstances are at the present time. That's a good foundation upon which to build. And the passage of time may not heal all wounds. But it does tend to make them more manageable. So you have both of those things in your favor.

It's good that you have family & friends around you... even if they don't seem to "get it" most of the time. And it's good you're in therapy. I know it only seems to be helping for an hour. But over the long haul it can help. And, as far as your med's go, if you haven't already, I'd encourage you to talk with your prescriber about what you're experiencing. Perhaps there are some adjustments that can be made that will make them more workable for you. Please don't give up hope. I know how difficult life can seem sometimes. And it's not just because you're young. Trust me... it can feel pretty darn hopeless as one gets older as well. But you can persevere & even triumph! Please keep posting. Writing about how you're feeling can help too. I wish you well...

[*Laurie*]

I'm not feeling judgmental of you at all. I think you were traumatized by the rape and are acting according to the fall-out of that trauma.

As for grieving over your ex, who wouldn't? I'll be 55 in a couple of weeks and when I think of the guys I was in love with (and I was truly in love) when I was between 16 and 21, it still hurts...believe it or not! I mean, I no longer spend time grieving the ends of those relationships, but yeah...it still stings.

I'm glad you're in therapy, even if it doesn't feel particularly helpful right now.

Keep working and keep believing that there's hope, because truly, there IS hope for you and for your life. I promise you that. (((HUGS)))