My brain is torturing me

I have been a depressed person since puberty. I have dealt with it ok because I have survived my brain pounding me with negative thoughts. I thought about suicide many many times. I have listened to my brain tell I'm a failure and I don't stack up to other people. I know I made some terrible financial decisions and right now just living on social security because I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in June 2017 ( blood cancer) and it is reinforced that I'm a failure baecuase at 65 years old I don't have much savings and boy cancer cost a lot of money to treat. I just went thru a stem cell transplant which was pure hell but they tell me I am doing real well. If that's the case I don't know why I feel even more depressed than ever. No motivation to do even the simplest of things around the house. Oh yeah because the cancer ate away part of my pelvic bones I'm either in a wheelchair or on crutches and because they needed to treat the cancer first we haven't even got around to find out treatment for my bones to see if I will ever walk again unaided. In a freakin mess mentally and physically. Oh yeah I do see a shrink every week and take Paxil. Any insight or encouragement is greatly appreciated.

I have no advice but I am in awe of your strength. Please don't think of yourself as a failure. You are here and fighting. That's amazing. I wish the best for you and hope you kick cancers butt. It sounds like you've got this. Hugs.

Thank you for the kind words. I know I am my own worst enemy. I don't feel particularly strong. Just seems I go to sleep at night and then wake up in the morning and it's like " Groundhog Day " meets the " twilight zone " every day

Sometimes that is all we have the strength for and that's okay. You are fighting a hard battle and that takes a lot of energy. Just keep doing the best you can and you will get through this.

You're very strong, sir. Definitely not a failure