I hate my life and am so depressed

I am just at the lowest of lows. I am constantly surrounded by negative and bad influencing people. I never dreamed life could be so horrible. Almost 50 and nothing to show. flat broke. do not own a home. hardly any friends. no one to count on and live in an awful depressing environment. I hate my low paying job. Everyone treats me like crap. I don't know any different. I don't have a husband. had one once but he treated me like crap also. I can't date because I can't tell the men who I "really" am. So I resorted to only dating married men because it is a secret world with excitement and I feel wanted and I KNOW I can't really have them. Why wouldn't I do this?? I mean I was raised to believe I am nothing, worthy of nothing, incapable of anything and always yelled at, etc. can do nothing right. so yeah. I am trying for single men now but this a joke

I do believe you’d benefit from therapy. As well as maybe vocational counseling

I am sorry that you are having a tough time. I can relate.
Not having a husband or friends or having a bad job.... these are struggles most of us share... I wish i had a solution for you but I don’t. all I can say is that you and you are the only one who can make a change about the things that bring you down. It is important to have good people in your life and I hope you can find them.
May be you are having a bad day and tomorrow you will feel better?
May be it would be beneficial looking at the positives in your life? I am sure you do have it... we all do. For instance, each morning I start the day with watching the sunrise while having coffee. This is my guaranteed positive each day. Even all else fails, I got my sunrise and coffee.
So what is your positive? Please try to find them.

My life has been like this for ten years. I am at the breaking point. I even looked up cocaine on the internet (never done drugs) looking to see what it does. I've also felt like killing myself a few times over the last 6 months.

May I ask? If your life has been like this for 10 years, isn't is an indication that you need to make some changes? I encourage you to start making positive changes. Instead of cocaine, make wiser decisions, think about starting physical activity (if you are physically able to do so), start journaling, meditation practices, read others' stories/struggles (i.e, Ted talks, podcasts, books, volunteer), eat healthy.
Please try to be honest with yourself. 100 percent honesty leads to self awareness.
I am sorry for having to articulate the reality. I don’t really know what else to say but to encourage you to break the highly self destructive behavior patterns.
I am here, should you need support.

I'm so sorry you feel this terrible. Please know that you're NOT worthless - you've just had bad experiences in your life who led you to believe so.
I'd start saving some money from your job and think about hiring a therapist. There are also some self-help books.. you might want to buy something that can help you with your social skills, for example.

You were told lies about yourself.......that is what they were/are......You are as valuable as anyone on the planet.Perhaps counseling would help.....xo

You sound overwhelmed by a lot of stuff.

When I feel overwhelmed it is helpful to break it down and tackle one thing at a time, and prioritise - It might help to write it down.

You could look at your job and ways to change that, maybe a different job or taking a course to improve you chances.

I would keep dating on a back burner for now, if you are in a bad place mentally it is best to nurture yourself first.

Change it, start read books, listen people, do what YOU want, grow from your situation

The best thing for me is to do things that help me feel less isolated when i am feeling this way. Drugs and dating is probably not going to get you to a better place right now. Even one friend you can count on can make a huge difference.

I'd start with looking into CBT, aka recognizing and taking negative thoughts, and turning them around to be positive and beneficial in some way. Look into getting a T who will do this with you, or find a book online about it. Either way, the sooner you start rewiring your brain to look at the glass half full, the better you'll feel in the long run.

Now, I'm not saying it's a cure all, but it does help more than you'd think.