After a convo with my brother...

Note: I ended up just writing out my feelings here, and feel better after doing that. Feel free to respond though. Here's what I wrote.

I think I need to accept the fact that...despite the fact that I'm learning to communicate civilly and in healthy ways with my brother now, he is who he is, and the way he sometimes responds to me, feels invalidating and dismissive (he doesn't think he's being that way). It makes me so angry, and I feel powerless and upset about it. But maybe I will have to accept that I cannot be as open with him as I want to be, and to keep my distance sometimes. Other times, we get along really well. And maybe just accept that.

What happened was.....We were in the kitchen talking at my parents house. I started talking about something I felt insecure about him knowing, and at the same time, he looked at the clock. I stopped talking and ended up SAYING "I feel like you are judging me for this by looking at the clock." (he was doing it earlier too...he was making his breakfast and I was talking and he wasn't looking at me and I felt like he wasn't listening but when I said something, he sounded defensive and said "you j just said..." and repeated a little of what I'd said) He said in what sounded like a short, dismissive / defensive way "well I know you have to go soon." (he was keeping an eye on the time). But he didn't say anything like "I am not judging you." or "don't worry." Perhaps I shouldn't look for that reassurance from him, and just try not to bring up certain topics. I texted him, and he said he disagreed that he was being dismissive, and that he'd wanted to talk to me. We might talk tomorrow when I go back to my parents for dinner.

I wish I didn't feel crazy for having the feelings I do. I am learning that I have some BPD traits. But I don't think that that makes me (or anyone else with BPD or BPD traits) crazy. If anything, my feelings are valid, just...maybe bigger and more intense sometimes than the average person, and they're definitely bigger than the average Insensitive person, lol. I'm glad I communicated with my brother how I felt in a civil way. I think he has his own issues emotionally, and with communication too. A long time ago, he was diagnosed with Aspergers. But he doesn't feel like that fits him. He doesn't really accept psychological labels or diagnoses for himself though.

Dear Starrysky, it appears we have some things in common. I've actually had similar communication issues with my own brother, who is on the autism spectrum. He is very intelligent and functions at a high level, for which I commend him. I realize he can't help what he can't help. However, as an individual of a sensitive nature, it has been tough for me to shake it off when his words/body language have come across as flippant towards matters of significance to me.

I understand where you're coming from and would like to assure you that it is not irrational for you to feel the way you do. Your responses during these exchanges were reasonable. When it's your family, it can hit you exceptionally hard in the heart, I know. It may be best to keep a certain distance to protect yourself from unneeded hurt if he won't acknowledge that his words/actions come across as less than considerate. Your feelings are valid, too important to have continuously dismissed by anyone. You have the support of this forum and I can be reached here anytime, just sayin'.

Oh my gosh, thank you so so much, Lotus. I really truly appreciate what you have said and took it to heart.