[Bookworm257]

OK so my parents think Im a manipulative liar. And they're kinda right. But I've lied so much they won't even believe the truth anymore. Today, the dog yelped because I pet it rough. They didn't believe me. They told me I had to have pounced on it or something. We spent an hour arguing over this, and they were really mad at me! I felt entirely stuck. It was the truth, but they weren't buying it. They started to yell after a while. I did not change my story because if was the absolute truth. And now my dad took my phone away. Great. I feel like they're completely mad at me now. Eventually I gave in and told them I landed hard on her, even though it was a lie, just to get the argument to stop. I swear I just pet her rough. We already have trust issues because I lie so damn much about small things, and this just put on thin ****ing ice! I wanna run away and disappear, my parents don't trust me. Im a manipulator of the truth, I admit that and feel bad for it because now my parents won't believe anything I say and when I wake up in the morning they might still be mad at me! I want to go away and start afresh and I wish I taught myself to be honest rather than trying(and failing miserably) to avoid confrontation. Sorry, just needed tom get a that off my chest

[MickeyCheeky]

What do you usually lie about?

[Patagonia]

Bookworm,
I’m sure you’re familiar with the fable of the girl/boy who cried wolf. Aesop I think? Anyway, you’ve built a wall up of lies with your parents & now you want that wall to disappear overnight.
I don’t think that’s fair or logical to ask of another person.
So I’m asking you to try to step back from your own situation & look at this logically; that it has nothing to do with you.
How many stories have you read about the one spouse that takes back the cheating spouse bec they said they’d never do it again.
Or the alcoholic who has a close call & says they’ll never drink again. Same with someone who has an addiction. They ask people to forgive them, make promises they can’t keep, lie & well.....when they really need something really important they end up alone.

Now I’m not saying your parents are going to leave or abandon you, no way, but the lying has created a distance between you guys.
Make sense?
So your job is to start to close that distance with being accountable. And I’d start out small.

Tell your parents something small...& then do it...& then tell them you kept your word. These will start to add up.
Like you tell them, “hey I’m going to run the vacuum in my room after school today,” (& if you’re my kid I’d think I had either heard you wrong or I had lost my mind lol), but then actually push yourself to do it...& then tell them you did it.
So this becomes a “habit.” You’re being accountable & after awhile you won’t need to tell them what you did; they will see it.

My dd lies just for the sake of lying & it’s become habitual for her. So there r lies that slide & lies that build up. But if you’re lying about everything, well what is there to believe? And why should anyone believe?
So maybe if it’s become a habit you’ll need to slow your conversation down in your head so your not lying. At least not lying as much. Lying has become a habit & habits are conditions in our psyche that we can change.
Children up to young adults use The amygdala part of their brain for making decisions. This is the emotional part of the brain bec your frontal cortex which contains reason is still growing. So you’re using quick emotions for answers. If you slow your emotions down, breathe, think & then react you’re changing how you view yourself & the situation.
Start small. Make small changes.
Best of luck!

Have you heard of the story of the 'Boy Who Cried Wolf'? Basically he lied so many times no one believed him when it counted.

What on earth then have you been lying about and for how long that it has gone to such an extreme?

You need to actively demonstrate to the people around you consistent honesty. This means not a single fib from here on in. Describing your full justification for your actions is a start.

[Thunder Bow]

It is your parents who are being controlling and manipulative. Are you old enough to move out?

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

It is your parents who are being controlling and manipulative. Are you old enough to move out?

I’d love to hear your reasoning behind this based on the OP thread. I just don’t see it that way.

[tecomsin]

Good for you for posting about your lying. That indicates you have a chance to change your behavior before it becomes so deeply baked in that a person can't reliably distinguish (or care) the truth from a lie. So your biggest problem is not that your parents don't believe you.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I’d love to hear your reasoning behind this based on the OP thread. I just don’t see it that way.

The accusations and yelling is why. That is all about control and manipulation.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I’d love to hear your reasoning behind this based on the OP thread. I just don’t see it that way.

"We spent an hour arguing over this, and they were really mad at me! I felt entirely stuck. It was the truth, but they weren't buying it. They started to yell after a while. I did not change my story because if was the absolute truth. And now my dad took my phone away. Great. I feel like they're completely mad at me now. Eventually I gave in"

[Patagonia]

But the OP stated that they kind of agree they are manipulative. That they have lied so much the parents won’t believe them.
Do you mean control & manipulation from the OP or the parents?

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

"We spent an hour arguing over this, and they were really mad at me! I felt entirely stuck. It was the truth, but they weren't buying it. They started to yell after a while. I did not change my story because if was the absolute truth. And now my dad took my phone away. Great. I feel like they're completely mad at me now. Eventually I gave in"

So how were the parents supposed to know that this was the “absolute truth” when the OP stated they do lie & manipulate the truth.
Isn’t this a manipulation of a situation by the OP?
It’s a very honest statement the OP stated that said they are not honest & lying has become a habit.
Maybe the OP needs to tell the parents that their going to try & not lie again or improve their accountability while living at home.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

So how were the parents supposed to know that this was the “absolute truth” when the OP stated they do lie & manipulate the truth.
Isn’t this a manipulation of a situation by the OP?
It’s a very honest statement the OP stated that said they are not honest & lying has become a habit.
Maybe the OP needs to tell the parents that their going to try & not lie again or improve their accountability while living at home.

Do you really think that what the parents did was not manipulative and controlling? Do you really think parents should torture their child for hours like this?

[CelestialFlame]

Just lie less and less until you only tell the truth or get better at it so they think you’ve stopped. You’ll gain their trust again either path you take.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

Do you really think that what the parents did was not manipulative and controlling? Do you really think parents should torture their child for hours like this?

Wow we must not be reading the same post?

Where is the so called “torture” in this post? Yelling? Gee, I really can’t see that as a form of torture! Accusing someone of lying who says they admit to manipulation of the truth? That could be torture for the parents, yes I can see that POV.
Maybe it was the fact that the phone was taken away by the parent?
Is that “torture”? Should I even ask who pays for the cell service of this technology? If this technology was owned by the OP the parent would not be using this as leverage.
Maybe we should replace the word “torture” which is way over the top for this post, with the word “inconvenienced.”

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Wow we must not be reading the same post?

Where is the so called “torture” in this post? Yelling? Gee, I really can’t see that as a form of torture! Accusing someone of lying who says they admit to manipulation of the truth? That could be torture for the parents, yes I can see that POV.
Maybe it was the fact that the phone was taken away by the parent?
Is that “torture”? Should I even ask who pays for the cell service of this technology? If this technology was owned by the OP the parent would not be using this as leverage.
Maybe we should replace the word “torture” which is way over the top for this post, with the word “inconvenienced.”

It's the fact the parents kept grilling the kid for this long. I don't think that's how you should treat a kid.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

It's the fact the parents kept grilling the kid for this long. I don't think that's how you should treat a kid.

Ok. So how do you handle this type of situation with your own children? What do you do differently that has worked for you as a parent?

[Thunder Bow]

The Parents.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Ok. So how do you handle this type of situation with your own children? What do you do differently that has worked for you as a parent?

Involve a third party, a professional well-versed in how to deal with non-average problems with kids.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

The Parents.

What does this mean? Can you add to this post in a more complete way to add to the conversation?

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

Involve a third party, a professional well-versed in how to deal with non-average problems with kids.

Which part is non average? Harming the animal? Yes id agree with this idea especially if the OP didn’t know they consciously hurt the dog & did it subconsciously.
Totally agree!

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Which part is non average? Harming the animal? Yes id agree with this idea especially if the OP didn’t know they consciously hurt the dog & did it subconsciously.
Totally agree!

I'm not here to discuss this deeply. If you need specific advice on how to handle a similar situation, I suggest you post about that directly, perhaps in a new thread of your own, and I'm sure some people will be happy to discuss.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

I'm not here to discuss this deeply. If you need specific advice on how to handle a similar situation, I suggest you post about that directly, perhaps in a new thread of your own, and I'm sure some people will be happy to discuss.

I’m not really sure you understand how these threads work?
Sorry you’ve entirely missed a good conversation. I found it quite helpful w/o asking about ages lol.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I’m not really sure you understand how these threads work?
Sorry you’ve entirely missed a good conversation. I found it quite helpful w/o asking about ages lol.

This sounds like we are talking past each other. See you.

[Artchic528]

Okay, I might be a little late in this, but lemme get this straight.

You have a history of pathological lying and manipulation. Your parents no longer know when to believe you, and when you are being lying and manipulative. You caused the dog to yelp out because you were being overly rough with it, and they understandably were upset because the dog yelped in pain. You claim they said you were abusing the dog, when you claim you were just being absentmindedly overly rough.

Yeah, I'd side with the parents on this one.

However, to prevent this from happening, you need to stop the pathological lying and manipulation and make an honest effort to build up their trust in you again. It's basically on you that you their trust in your honesty is null at this point, so it's on you to work hard to prove to them that they can trust you again.

[mimsies]

I understand tevelygo's point, at least much of it. And I think siding with one side over the other (kid vs. parents) is pointless and unhelpful.

Usually a lying habit develops because most kids lie to stay our of trouble, and then, because lying seems to be the only way to stay out of trouble, it becomes a habit. That has become a communication problem between the kid and parents at that point. I have observed that in about 95% of parent/child conflicts or issues the parents are at least 85% at fault. I mean the the children are actual children or teens, or even young adults often. I have not really looked at issues between fully developed adult offspring and their parents. There is a very small percentage of kids who, for reasons mostly beyond the parents, have such profound behavioral and psychological impairments, they are nearly impossible to parent. Though these cases are rare.

So many parents set up a system in which there is no winning situation for kids. They overreact and over-discipline when a kid is honest about something the parents don't like. Of course, they also get super angry when the kid lies. AND they make it worse for the kid to decide to come clean after initially lying.

We all want our kids to do what we think they should and to make good choices. Of course we do. But the fact is, kids are going to make some bad choices, make mistakes, and do stupid things. We can't help them if they are too scared to come to us with honesty after they have done something wrong. If we make telling us the truth worse than lying, they are going to learn to lie and be secretive, and be manipulative.

I am not saying we shouldn't discipline at all ever. I am saying we need to keep it in check. My son knows that I won't condone his behavior when he does something that he knows I won't like. Sometimes he talks about it with me beforehand, and we look at ways to make it less risky or potentially harmful, and sometimes he chooses not to do it because he respects my honesty and calmness with him. I am also blessed to have his trust, and that of many of his friends. The know that coming to me honestly about their problems and challenges isn't going to result in long lectures or immediate punishment, but rather, probably a good length talk in which we both participate and discuss and weigh different options. And I never lie to them. On the rare occasion when I thought I absolutely HAD to bring in someone else, like their parents or a health or mental health professional or law enforcement, I have always told them with a clear explanation of why.

I agree that yelling at a kid for hours, and punishing them because they won't admit to doing what you are sure they have done, but don't really know for sure, IS controlling, bordering on abusive. Because prolonged yelling at a kid is abusive, period. Everyone has yelled at a kid in the heat of the moment or out of fear, but if it lasts more than one or two minutes, it has gone too far. If one can't get their temper and fight or flight response under enough control by then to quit yelling, they have a problem.Yelling is intimidating and frightening, and is meant to be that way. Spending hours trying to intimidate and frighten another person is abusive, is a form of torture. It is controlling and manipulative and cruel.