I feel like I have hit a wall

In my childhood I never felt as though I was 'there'; my memories are quite hazy and I felt like I drifted through. It's as though I was incredibly sad without even being aware that it was sadness.

I feel like I was probably depressed, but how can you know if you have never known any different?

Anyway, I never really bothered with schoolwork because all I cared about was coming home and playing games. In all honesty, I was quite socially anxious and used to piss myself at school instead of asking to go to the toilet (and also at break because I didn't want my friends to leave me.) Also, at such a young age in school, I never really took into account my grades would impact my future; I did okay though, I got all C's in GCSE'S.

So I went into a different school to do my A levels. It was strange, everyone looked more grown up in sixth form and for the first time I felt like I really needed to fit in, as though I cannot exist without others. I was so socially awkward that sometimes I would just act strangely or say odd things; but at least since I started paying more attention to my appearance, I was getting compliments for the first time.

Because of all of this pressure of fitting in, every moment of every day both in lessons and during break, I again wasn't working hard because I felt like I needed to think constantly about body language, the way I looked, what I say, etc. I ended up doing crap in AS levels and leaving before second year.

So as an alternative, I started doing an IT apprenticeship. I was still anxious and used to drink most mornings, but I was doing really well at my job, people for the first time noticed my intelligence (even though because I concentrate so much on fitting in, I did a lot of work at home.) However, I was still really upset because I was struggling with my confidence still. Then I was made redundant, so I started another apprenticeship, but I was made redundant again. (What a waste of time!)

I can't bring myself to spend another year trying to get a qualification, I'm scared to get a lot of jobs because of my anxiety, and mostly I'm embarrassed. A lot of people know that I'm actually quite intelligent and a hard worker, but yet I'm doing so terribly.

I'm embarrassed because everyone else has gone to university, or they're working, or they're in relationships (which I can't do because I'm emotionally unavailable and feel like people only like me for my looks) and they have friends whereas I have no one because I drifted through a lot of my life feeling like people were fake and putting on a show.

I feel like most of my life I haven't really been 'me' and everything was like a hazy dream.

What I hate the most at the moment is that I have no one to celebrate my birthday with next week

I don't know how to get out of this hole that I'm in...

I was a child many decades ago. At the time it all seemed fairly normal. (I didn't know any different either.) It's only in hindsight I have come to realize what a messed-up kid I really was. I'm afraid I don't have any great solutions to your dilemma for you. But I wanted to let you know I read your post & I wish you well...

Thank you so much! When life has it's trying moments it means a lot just to be wished well by someone