[carcrashonrepeat]

I've been tense and upset all weekend. I'm grateful for what little money I receive but finding a job is always triggering and mentally/emotionally exhausting. Right now I'm just trying to find a stable job with benefits so I can afford to treat both my physical and mental issues. But whenever I get into the job search process, I become so ****ing obsessed. I'm in this place where I don't make enough money and feel ashamed about it because I can do better, and stuck in a position where I'm afraid to get a job that's too overwhelming. It gives me anxiety. Then it just all seems so hopeless, like no matter what I do I can't/don't feel any better about myself or situation. Somehow just living a close to normal life seems unachievable and I feel like it's my fault.

It's been hard for me to sit down and think of other options, like getting medicaid in the meantime. I get tension headaches. And they get worse. Sleep is the only thing I look forward to and many nights I just want to sleep forever and not wake up.

I live just close enough to a big city where there are more opportunities but it costs an arm and a leg to get there. I could try and find a smaller, simpler job where I am but the outcome's always the same. Nothing ****ing changes.

Man, I have to go dogwalk soon and I feel like not going. If I get a job interview, I'll blow off dogwalking - I'm trying my hardest to fight that impulse. It always happens and it's like someone else inside takes control. I love walking dogs, too. It's the brief moment where I can care/focus on someone else. But I feel like I'm holding onto nothing.

I can't wait for something to change.

[MickeyCheeky]

It seems like you're having problems controlling your anxiety. Since you don't have much money to spare, perhaps you could find some "tricks" that can help you feel calmer when it gets too overwhelming (such as deep breaths, ecc.).

[carcrashonrepeat]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It seems like you're having problems controlling your anxiety. Since you don't have much money to spare, perhaps you could find some "tricks" that can help you feel calmer when it gets too overwhelming (such as deep breaths, ecc.).

Thank you! I typically meditate and exercise but the anxiety has been so persistent lately that even after deep breaths it's rough. It usually takes being in a gym or meditation center to cool me down and neither of those things are closeby. Tomorrow I'll have a chance to travel into the city and get stuff done, which helps.

Today I didn't go dogwalking. I feel bad about it. I lied about it, which makes me feel even worse. My sup said she would give me more hours in a couple of days but it just doesn't feel secure to me. It's a little bit of money. I hate making these decisions. I act impulsively and nothings feels like the right choice.